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Yay! Michigan Republicans Bravely Solve Budget Deficit By Forcing Foster Kids To Wear Thrift Store Clothes Like The Poor, Parentless Schlubs They Are

Much like fellow brokeass Midwestern hell-state being destroyed by a psycho Republican governor with a deep-seated hatred of poor people, Wisconsin, Michigan too is facing a serious budget crisis with a deficit of $1.4 billion, largely thanks to those greedy, money-grubbing teachers and plumbers unions always demandin’ fair wages and basic health coverage.

And much like you would expect from a newly elected CEO-turned-Grand-Old-Protector of rich, white people, Michigan head honcho Slick Rick Snyder naturally decided to fix this fiscal problem by giving businesses and mega corporations $1.8 billion in tax cuts, because in Republican fantasy land, the best way to get rid of ballooning, out-of-control deficits is to promptly double it.

But how on God’s no-longer green Earth can adding to the already monstrous deficit actually end up reducing it, you ask? Hello?? Ever hear of a little contingency plan, a secret ace-up-your-sleeve called “foster kids?” You know those raggedy, starving, orphan fat cats who get their kicks seeking shelter under the abandoned bridge downtown and hoping that maybe someday somebody will love them.

Ha, well somebody better tell li’l orphan Annie the free ride is over because Daddy Warbucks’ bank account has just dried up! No more will the state of Michigan be forking over some measly stipend so these spoiled parentless children have actual clothes, not rags, to wear to school!

Instead, Republican lawmakers have come up with a brilliant plan to fix the new business tax cuts cost on the (bruised, broken, no longer clothed) backs of foster kids who will now be forced to buy their school year duds at thrift stores, not fancy shmancy elitist stores like Walmart.

Who cares if the Republican’s plan doesn’t save the economically-strapped Michigan a single dime? Serves those pesky orphans right always expecting Uncle Sam to step up and save them from dying in gutters all because they chose to not have parents, like normal, house-dwelling peers.

A small part of the DHS savings, about $200,000, would come from adjustments to the clothing allowance for foster children, or children of the working poor, of $79 for school clothes. Michigan state Sen. Bruce Caswell said children will still get close to that $79, but would be issued gift cards that can only be used at the Salvation Army, Goodwill or other thrift stores.

“Close to,” meaning “less” presumably because seriously, how much pampering does one pitiful, poor little orphan child need? For all we know, these pint-sized freeloaders crawled onto a random doorstep as babies, or tricked their parents into dying in tragic house fires or 15-car pile-ups, specifically so they could get on the government dole.

Besides, as state Sen. Caswell told reporters, there’s nothing wrong with wearing old clothes.

“I never had anything new,” he said. “I got all the hand-me-downs. And my dad, he did a lot of shopping at the Salvation Army, and his comment was — and quite frankly it’s true — once you’re out of the store and you walk down the street, nobody knows where you bought your clothes.”

Or if they were even bought at all, instead of swiped on some pre-paid government-subsidized card for wretched welfare children relying on public assistance to meet their basic needs.

But on the bright side, if people did know where their clothes were brought, it would probably further humiliate foster children, which would maybe lead to more of these riff-raffs finally offing themselves, which at the very least, would save the state even more nickels and dimes.

And since foster kids can’t vote, at least while their all gross and kid like, and nobody really cares about them that much (once they’re out of the womb, that is), they have absolutely no political power anyway.

The real question then becomes why the hell weren’t Republicans making cuts to foster kids before? Think about it, people!

Not only would America be free of these parasite orphans, who next to teachers and firemen, are clearly societies biggest money-sucking leeches, but it is also the single best way ever to hand Big Business money, instead of wasting precious resources giving hand outs to starving street children, otherwise known as Big Orphan, Inc.

Although, by forcing a 6-year-old stray boy to wear a hot pink “world’s best grandma” t-shirt, how will the GOP be able to distinguish the disgusting poor from an equally repulsive, unwanted, brown-skinned Mexican border jumper? Or even scarier, an out-n-proud student body president at the University of Michigan??

2 comments to Yay! Michigan Republicans Bravely Solve Budget Deficit By Forcing Foster Kids To Wear Thrift Store Clothes Like The Poor, Parentless Schlubs They Are

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