Hooray, America! Congress has saved the nation from the menacing brown threat streaming uncontrollably in from the sun ‘n drug-soaked south to steal our jobs, sex-up our supple wives & daughters, and show us dumb gringos how a real Salsa Verde is made.
So now that Congress has passed this $600 million border security bill, sending tons o’ troops and weapons and laser-powered death beams to defeat this swarthy Spanish enemy, and everyone is still buzzin’ from all this yummy war stuff, will Republicans find it in their tea-soaked, terror-filled hearts to actually work with gross, terrible Democrats on comprehensive immigration reform, as promised?
Ha ha, dream on mis amigos!
The Grand Old Position on immigration reform has gone something like this: Secure the border immediately, and then we’ll talk about all this boring, attention-to-detail stuff like how to actually deal with the problem instead of enacting scary, discriminatory bye bye brown people laws in parched desert, now Whites-Only states like Aryanzona.
Now that the Republicans have gotten their awesome $600 million in star-spangled ‘splosives and smart bombs, as well as “1,500 new border personnel, a pair of unmanned drones and military-style bases along the border,” surely they’ll be ready to sit down and participate in a bipartisan discussion on immigration, like actual adults elected to the world’s greatest deliberative body, whose job is to do these weird, annoying cooperation things, not act like petulant schoolchildren who got budged in line for the slide.
“In my many meetings with folks on the other side of the aisle to try to gain their support for comprehensive reform, I repeatedly heard them say that once we showed we were serious about passing border security legislation, they would be able to begin working with us to fix other aspects of our broken immigration system,” said Sen. Chuck Schumer (D-N.Y.), the Democrats’ point person on immigration reform.
“It is my hope that the bill we are passing today will break the deadlock that has existed in Congress and will clear the path for us to finally resume bipartisan negotiations in good faith,” Schumer said. “With this bill’s passage today we have clearly shown we are serious about securing our nation’s borders.”
Yes, Chuck, we certainly see your seriousness and applaud you for your valiant efforts. And much like you, we too hope for resumed (wait, doesn’t that imply that it ever existed in the first place?) bipartisan negotiations. We pray for it every night before bed, right after saying a special prayer to keep Granny and li’l Johnny down the street safe from NObama’s roving death squads!
But, as energy, financial and health care reform efforts, not to mention unemployment benefits, the stimulus, environment, and basically every major piece of legislation before it have shown, taking the Republicans at their word makes about as much sense as Stalin trusting Hitler not to pull some insane double-cross invasion, or taking British Petroleum’s word that the leak is plugged, the oil spill is under control, and the devastation has been kept to a minimum. By minimum, we mean only half the Gulf has been transformed into a glistening wonderland of crude oil and marine carcasses.
And judging by the past actions of this curious batch of Republicans, who care about this country so much they’re are willing to do whatever it takes to destroy it, along with its awful, chocolatey-hued Kenyan leader, the Democrats’ trust in the Republicans’ willingness to do anything in good-faith (‘cept impeach that no-good Socialist bastard in the not-so White House) seems a tad naive and ill advised.
Failing to give the GOP their immigration cake (chocolate-free like they like it!) without securing anything concrete in exchange, like say, a firm commitment to vote “yes” on any comprehensive legislation, will likely just lead the esteemed patriots on the right to demand more delicious birthday cake, then exotic pineapple upside down cake, then fancy-schmancy seven-tiered wedding cake, then who knows, maybe ice cream cake, or probably a whole different dessert altogether (flan?), until eventually they just say, “eh, cake is for Marie Antoinette and other elitist socialists like Michelle Obama only, so screw your damn frosted circle of sweet, moist deliciousness, and stupid immigration reform too!”
Following which, they will immediately return to their brilliant, fail-proof strategy of filibustering everything, while simultaneously whining (or if it’s Glenn Beck, weeping) about being excluded from the process by meany Democrats until they are swept back into power by the easily-duped voters who suddenly think balancing the budget is best done by hemorrhaging money every which way, except into the hands of the people.
But on the bright side, at least you don’t run the risk of some crumbs falling into the hands of dirty Mexicans!
I mean who wants to eat churros or tres leches cake anyway?
And knowing them, they’ll probably take delicious American apple pie and turn it into something gross and Mexicany, like apple paella!