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The Orangeman Cometh...To Walk The Line Or Burn Down The House?

Get excited America, because last night was the night Republicans “took back Washington” from smart presidents with scary brown skin, wrested control of the House from that no-good Nazi Pelosi lady always prattling on about silly things like equality and helping those gross poors and gays, and with the blessings of Jesus Christ, the bear market, and throngs of colonial-clad conservatives, hand power to its newest, glowingest orange leader John Boehner so he and the rest of the Grand Old Patriots can enact their wonderful agenda impeaching NObama, privatizing the Constitution, and stomping on liberal ladies’ heads for freedom.

Hooray!

Of course, this grand ol’ takeover could not have been possible without both the crazy, caffeinated wave of misspelled sign-waving Teabaggers and the brilliant speechwriting team of Mr. John Boehner, who has been traversing the country, invoking fond, imagined memories of dead entertainers and country singers in some fairytale mom & pop America of yesteryear that exists only in the minds of desperate, power starved Republicans, Sears Christmas catalogs, the writers of Mad Men, and apparently John Boehner.

“Remember when Ronald Reagan was president? We had Bob Hope. We had Johnny Cash. Think about where we are today. We have got President Obama. But we have no hope and we have no cash.”

Awww, snap! High fives all around for Boehner’s speechwriting team! Dropping the names of three unrelated semi-iconic Americans in some lame, pathetic attempt to connect these cultural legends with some nostalgia washed, romanticized version of the good, old Ronny Reagan era of trickle down economics, corporate consolidation, and social rollbacks?

Hell, that’s like the rhetorical equivalent of those graphic tees where Kurt Cobain shreds the axe with Jimi Hendrix on fluffy white clouds, surrounded by beautiful angels in heaven, while God smiles down from above.

So umm, go Boehner!?

Amiright?

Eh, not according to the people who are actually related to a certain Mr. Johnny Cash, like outspoken daughter, singer and author Roseanne who took to the Twitter to blast the now-new glowing Speaker of the House John Boehner in 140 choice characters (or less!) as an orange butt-shaped hat, what else?

“Asshat!” Well, that is pretty much a fitting description of the man.

Remember when W was President and America had all the Bush it could ever hope for? We had Bob Hope False Hope. We had Johnny Cash. Corporate Cash. Think about where we are today. We have no hope and we have no cash, but we do have one helluva big, orange Boehner!

A true Republican of color.

Ah yes, the future is indeed bright (orange), teeming with optimism (and cigarette tar), and sizzling with possibilities, not to mention, the burnt, electric UV ray fried brain of an abnormally orange overlord.

That’s House Majority Leader “Asshat” Boehner to you!

It’s mourning in America, or at least for those of us with critical thinking skills, fair skin, and an aversion to celebrating Ash Wednesday, every time a new chain-smoking Grand Old Pall Mall Patriot becomes Speaker of the House.

Let’s just hope Capitol Hill is flame-retardant.

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