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The 43-Year-Old Virgin Is Bursting Out Of The Closet Now That He's Finished Trying To Stuff His Entire Fellow LGBT Community Back In!

Open Wide…

Well, well now isn’t this just rich. Fabulous, really!

Weird, self-loathing closet case, former Republican National Committee chair, George Bush’s 2004 campaign manager, and pretty much the policy equivalent of the AIDS virus on the LGBT community, Ken Mehlman has ever so graciously decided to spare the American people the suspense and come out on his own now that he’s no longer just a spry, sexually confused teenager of 43.

Of course, rumors about Ken’s TOTAL GAYNESS have been swirling around since like forever, but certainly since he was outed as part of Mike Rogers’ campaign to rid the political world of hypocritical homos who cynically convince fat slobs around the country to turn off the boob tube, wipe off the drool, change out of their pajamas, get off the couch and go vote Republican, to stop the evil gay scourge from spreading its perfectly manicured paws all over America’s altars and homes.

But there’s something particularly unforgivable about being the closeted leader of the most virulently anti-gay presidential campaign in history, which gave us four more years of queer-bashing, rights trampling, fiercely hetero cowboys appropriately named Bush and Dick, before kindly deciding to come out as an actual terrible gay himself, long after the damage was done and the lux drapes already picked out on his pricey $3.77 million NY pad, while his fellow gays and lesbians lost the right to marry in almost 40 states.

“It’s taken me 43 years to get comfortable with this part of my life,” Mehlman said. “Everybody has their own path to travel, their own journey, and for me, over the past few months, I’ve told my family, friends, former colleagues, and current colleagues, and they’ve been wonderful and supportive. The process has been something that’s made me a happier and better person. It’s something I wish I had done years ago.”

Awww, Kenny how positively sweet of you! I bet all those deviant gays and lezzies you’ve spent your entire political career marginalizing and dehumanizing wish you had too.

But, if you hadn’t been such a self-hating cowardly queer, how would you have made a gazillion dollars fighting the gay demons in your mind, all so you could buy a swanky, exquisitely decorated (we’d assume) “bachelor” pad in Chelsea to share with your umm, dear “friend,” who you would never have gross gay sex with because that is evil and wrong, and it is much better to be a real, live 43-year-old virgin than some gross fag who actually has normal sexual relations with humans.

Wanna know what else keeps Ken up at night? Other than hot, sweaty men with hefty bulges in their tight pants haunting his dreams…

Why The Gays never joined forces with the ignorant Muslim bashers in the Republican party, ya know, as sort of a deflect-hate-toward-a-different-oppressed-minority-to-help-my-own-ass-strategy:

He often wondered why gay voters never formed common cause with Republican opponents of Islamic jihad, which he called “the greatest anti-gay force in the world right now.”

OMG like totes, so true!

Why didn’t the gays team up with a bunch of racist, white Muslim haters and go bomb A-rabs in faraway desert countries cause surely that would help bring the plight of the gay and lesbian community to light here in America, right? Nothing says true equality like smart-bombing some Saudis (or stabbing NY cabbies) to show them jihadists we don’t take too kindly too other religions persecuting our gays when we are already quite capable of doing that all by ourselves, thank you very much.

Plus, now that Mehlman’s leadership in the GOP is no more, the jihadists have a clear route right to the top of the ol’ persecution ladder. C’mon, who’s with me?

So, welcome to gayness, Ken!  Sure, nobody is going to have sex with your vile, principle-less ass, but don’t let it bring you down, because they probably weren’t having sex with you before, either.

Of course, Mehlman now acknowledges that if he hadn’t been such a god damn pussy, and publicly declared his sexuality sooner, he might have played a role in keeping the party from pushing an anti-gay agenda.

Ooopsy-daisy!

Oooh, looks like someone’s a serious contender for this year’s courage and bravery award!

“It’s a legitimate question and one I understand,” Mehlman said. “I can’t change the fact that I wasn’t in this place personally when I was in politics, and I genuinely regret that. It was very hard, personally.” He asks of those who doubt his sincerity: “If they can’t offer support, at least offer understanding.”

Yes, America. Please understand that I, Kenneth Brian Mehlman, am a hypocritical weasel who would sell his own son (wait, that would require doing that weird “sex” thing). Okay, would sell his own mother if it helped make him even richer or more effective in his glorious career bashing the very community he now asks forgiveness & acceptance from, disenfranchised and thoroughly separate but unequal.

“What I do regret, and think a lot about, is that one of the things I talked a lot about in politics was how I tried to expand the party into neighborhoods where the message wasn’t always heard. I didn’t do this in the gay community at all.”

He “really wished” he had come to terms with his sexual orientation earlier, “so I could have worked against [the Federal Marriage Amendment]” and “reached out to the gay community in the way I reached out to African Americans.”

Well, hopefully, not in the exact same way, but fine, whatever you say. Then, after you got that down, you could reach out to all the Jewish Klansmen, Black White Supremacists, pro-life Feminists, male prostitute-renting Family Research Council co-founders, dumb, broke-ass Teabaggers, and the rest of the creepy self-haters you seem to understand so well.

Also, he should probably be punched on live television by Ellen DeGeneres and Portia de Rossi, and maybe one of the token gays on Queer Eye for the Straight Guy or Desperate Househubbies of San Francisco or whatever the hell shows the gays watch obsessively, in groups, while squealing, especially since Mehlman is still giving money to anti-gay candidates, who hate him.

Hooray!

What someone needs to do is reach their arms around Ken’s skinny little neck and b*tch slap this a-hole across the face, shouting “I don’t care if you’re celibate and never got laid in your life, you’re still a no-good money whore who works both sides of the street, who has less integrity in your entire body than freakin’ RuPaul has in his/her pinky finger, you no-good, immoral, conscience-lacking, sack of self-hating waste.

“I wish I was where I am today 20 years ago. The process of not being able to say who I am in public life was very difficult. No one else knew this except me. My family didn’t know. My friends didn’t know. Anyone who watched me knew I was a guy who was clearly uncomfortable with the topic.”

Oh, we feel just awful for you! How terribly difficult it must have been to launch a national crusade against your own hideous kind, all while having to answer squeamish, uncomfortable questions about your own secret homosinuality, or shall I say, virginuality. Because being an actual asexual freak is certainly better than a disgusting, hell-bound fag, now isn’t it?

“What I will try to do is to persuade people, when I have conversations with them, that it is consistent with our party’s philosophy, whether it’s the principle of individual freedom, or limited government, or encouraging adults who love each other and who want to make a lifelong commitment to each other to get married.”

“I hope that we, as a party, would welcome gay and lesbian supporters. I also think there needs to be, in the gay community, robust and bipartisan support [for] marriage rights.”

Which is why I have spent the better part of my adult life working against the very right of gay and lesbians to be able to do the things on which I now speak.

So, just how can Roy Cohn’s torch carrier, Ken Mehlman, redeem himself for being an actual Judas, all these beautiful, closeted years?

Hmmm, let’s see. He can start by saying how deeply sorry he is for being the architect of the 2004 Bush reelection campaign, how he’s terribly ashamed of his role in developing strategy that resulted in George W. Bush threatening to veto ENDA or any bill containing hate crimes laws. How is he is truly sorry for helping push two divisive, discriminatory Federal Marriage Amendments (banning gross gays like him from the altar) as political leverage, and of course for developing the 72-hour strategy, using homophobic churches to become political arms of the GOP before Election Day.

Oh yeah, and he can also beg forgiveness for all those state marriage amendments banning the hideous union of homosexuals, because if there is one thing God cannot stand it is the blessed matrimony of two people with the wrong penis-to-vagina ratios.

I’m sure there’s a joke somewhere in this story about how, after eight years hanging out with Dick and Bush, Ken finally figured out which one he preferred…And it rhymes with prick!

That said, based on historic patterns of Grand Old Pretenders, I can’t wait for Newt Gingrich to finally admit he is indeed a secret, slimy Muslim-practicing amphibious swamp creature, and Sarah Palin finally comes clean, and lets the whole world know she is, in fact, a Kodiak Bear, who occasionally eats her young, scavenges off the fetid remains of human garbage, and whose level of intelligence hovers somewhere between that of an average canine and a primate. Though, in SarBear’s case, ‘average canine’ is closer to a special-needs mutt.

Let’s call him Ken!

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