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Surprise! Famed Congressional Punching Bag Tony Hayward Saved By Even Bigger Oil Whore Joe Barton's Apology Heard 'Round The World

Corporate troll and treacherous Grand Old Pariah, Rep. Joe Barton of Texas, the ranking member of the House Energy and Commerce Committee, went out on a limb to prove he is in fact, the Grade-A douchebag everyone suspected by, wait for it…apologizing to poor BP for the terrible inconvenience America has caused the oil company for little more than covering its entire Southern coast with delicious British Petroleum and death. Like big whoop, right?

While the rest of Congress was naturally unleashing their furious wrath on the gross incompetence of BP CEO Tony Hayward, who will soon have his life back now that BP’s chairman Carl-Henric Svanberg will take over his job caring for the “small people,” Rep. Joe Barton was of course begging for forgiveness from Hayward over President NObama’s shameful decision to force his beautiful oil conglomerate to create a $20 billion escrow fund to pay out damages to victims of the oil spill, likely not including those currently washing up on coastal shores covered in thick toxic goo.

“I’m speaking totally for myself and I’m not speaking for the Republican Party and I’m not speaking for anybody in the House of Representatives but myself, but I’m ashamed of what happened in the White House yesterday. I think it’s a tragedy of the first proportion that a private corporation can be subjected to what I would characterize as a shakedown. In this case, a $20 billion shakedown with the Attorney General of the United States who is legitimately conducting a criminal investigation and has every right to do so to protect the interests of the American people participating in what amounts to a $20 billion slush fund that’s unprecedented in our nation’s history that’s got no legal standing and what I think sets a terrible precedent for the future.”

A terrible, no-good precedent allowing a corporation as pure and beautiful as British Petroleum to be treated in such an unseemly manner by a U.S. president, an illegal, black U.S. president, no less!

That ain’t how Texas rolls y’all!

But even the big business-lovin’ Republicans who usually enjoy nothing more than bathing in luxurious crude oil and similar BP-provided contaminants, think their fellow Grand Oil Puppet may have gone a step too far.

Like Florida Rep. Jeff Miller, whose very city of Pensacola will soon be completely covered in greasy BP greed, negligence, and death all because Hayward and Co., decided a devastating oil rig explosion was more desirable than spending even one red cent to prevent such maritime disasters from happening in the first place.

That would make too much sen$e!

“I am shocked by Congressman Joe Barton’s reprehensible comments that the government should apologize for the ‘shakedown’ of BP,” Miller said. “BP has caused the greatest ecological and environmental disaster our nation has ever seen. They are the responsible party and they should pay for losses and damages, not the taxpayer. I am optimistic and hopeful that BP acted in good faith by opening the $20 million escrow account, as several of us have requested.”

“Mr. Barton’s remarks are out of touch with this tragedy and I feel his comments call into question his judgment and ability to serve in a leadership on the Energy and Commerce Committee. He should step down as Ranking Member of the Committee.”

Whoa, whoa, easy there, Congressman! Not his fancy shmancy committee seat!! Anything but that!! C’mon you can understand, can’t you? After all, you do sit on the “same committee that sets out Republican policy and used the exact same language in opposing the administration’s effort to hold BP accountable to families and small businesses of the Gulf by making BP fund a $20 billion accountability trust,” don’t you?

Oh, details! Never mind those. The point is that even the vile, heartless Grand Old relics in Congress realize that unfortunately, in this rare case, the lesser of the two evils happens to be our terrible, socialist president, and as such, siding with big, bad BP is not only kind of insane, PR-wise, but legally untenable, and will probably backfire and bite them all in the behinds come November. In other words, totally not worth it!

“I have said since the beginning that BP ought to be held responsible for every dime of this tragedy,” John Boehner said, growing increasingly orange with every breath. “And they ought to be held accountable to stop the leak and get it cleaned up as soon as possible.”

Just like I ought to take Joe Barton, bind him to Tony Hayward using Michael Steele’s trusty ropes ‘n chains and drown ’em both in a vat of scalding black oil!

“What is shameful is that Joe Barton seems to have more concern for big corporations that caused this disaster than the fishermen, small-business owners and communities whose lives have been devastated by the destruction,” White House press secretary Robert Gibbs said.

“Congressman Barton may think that a fund to compensate these Americans is a ‘tragedy,’ but most Americans know that the real tragedy is what the men and women of the Gulf Coast are going through right now.”

And just think of what poor Tony Hayward is going through now that his lovely summer vacation has been cut short, along with the lives of every aquatic organism used to breathing through non-oil saturated gills. Bummer!

Good thing hard-hitting Democratic Reps. Bart Stupak of Michigan and Henry Waxman of California, whose staff uncovered the bulk of what’s now known about the sh*t-show known as the Deepwater Horizon oil rig, also gave it to Hayward, who is now seen as the second-worst oil whore thanks to Rep. Joe Barton’s rapid ascent to the top.

“BP cut corner after corner to save a million dollars here and a few hours or days there,” Waxman said. “And now the whole Gulf Coast is paying the price.”

But, on the bright side, at least BP isn’t stuck with the bill. Which should make a certain deep-oil fried Texan happier than a pig in grease, aka our coastal waters!

Blasting Hayward for his petulant, smug comment about wanting his rich, high flying, consequence-be damned, oil executive life back, Stupak said he is “more concerned than ever” with the corporate culture at BP.

“I’m sure you’ll get your life back, with a golden parachute back to England,” Stupak said.

Then maybe he can finally apologize to the Nazis on behalf of Joe Barton for inconveniencing them during World War II. He’s felt terrible about it for like ages now!

Of course, when he finally got a chance to testify, and prove to the world that he really is the British version of Dick Cheney, Tony Hayward insisted his company has made strides in instituting safe operations (wink, wink!) and brushed aside claims that the Deepwater Horizon explosion occurred because of unsafe drilling procedures.

Hayward said that he thinks “it’s too early to reach conclusions” about what caused the disaster.

Though he does have a sneaking suspicion it has something to do with the boogie man.

“We have focused like a laser on safe and reliable operations, that is a fact,” Hayward said.

A death star laser, mwhahahahaha!

Much like the Wall Street heroes before him, and the SS officers before them, Hayward pulled the ol’ “It wasn’t me” and “I was just following orders” defense when facing the sharp questions from the Democratic and Republican anger bears in Congress.

Hayward said he “wasn’t involved in any of that decision making” in relation to the drilling of now-exploded well, and noted that BP drills “hundreds of wells a year all around the world.”

I mean who know all the millions of animals we’ve killed, and miles of open resource-filled ocean we’ve laid to waste by now? Who do you think we are scientists or global CEO’s who actually know what we’re talking about or better yet, actually give a shit? Ha ha, try that soft micro nerd with the glasses and the PC, ya wacky Americans!

Meanwhile, that other Joe who always gets into big f**king trouble for saying big stupid f**king things, Vice President Joe Biden finally got to yell at someone else for saying something outrageous and boneheaded.

“This is an entire way of life that’s in jeopardy,” Biden said. He said he’s surprised that Barton would say he’s “ashamed” because the White House is being “tough on an oil company who caused the problem.” Biden added, “There’s no shakedown, it’s insisting on responsible conduct, [a] responsible response to something they caused.”

Exactly! What’s the problem!? That’s the very definition of a shakedown according to the Grand Oil Party’s handy pocket dictionary and A-Z guide on how to ruin a coastline, bankrupt a country, destroy an ecosystem, and kill all the goodness in the world in eight quick years or less!

In a rare joint statement, the three blind mice House GOP leaders John Boehner, Eric Cantor and Mike Pence condemned Rep. Barton’s statements as wrong, and said, “The oil spill in the Gulf is this nation’s largest natural disaster and stopping the leak and cleaning up the region is our top priority.”

Right after we plug that other disastrous black hole in the White House, leaking common sense and intelligence all over the once-pure BP-subsidiary known as the United States of Exxon-Mobil.

Valdez sounded a little too Mexicany for their liking, don’t ya think?

3 comments to Surprise! Famed Congressional Punching Bag Tony Hayward Saved By Even Bigger Oil Whore Joe Barton’s Apology Heard ‘Round The World

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