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Sonia Sotomayor Vows To Uphold Law, Even For White Males

Wise, empathetic, Latina owl Sonia Sotomayor pledged to serve the “larger interest of impartial justice” and not only help minority firefighters, baseball players, and Hispanics.

President Obama’s Supreme Court nominee to replace retiring hermit Justice David Souter, sassy South Bronx-born (holla!) Sonia Sotomayor hoped to silence critics, aka Republicans, with her Ivy-League educated words (elitist!) and her 17-year experience as a federal appeals judge during the start of her confirmation hearings before Congress.

“The task of a judge is not to make law,” she said. “It is to apply law…My personal and professional experiences help me listen and understand, with the law always commanding the result in every case.”

The Senate Judiciary Committee resumes hearings on Tuesday where Democrats will defend her as a Hispanic pioneer well qualified for the high court and Republicans will question whether this means the end for white male supremacy on Earth. The horror!

But in the brilliant words of Sen. Lindsey Graham, the only Republican to even hint he’d vote to confirm Sotomayor, “Unless you have a complete meltdown, you’re going to get confirmed.”

Of course, Graham quickly added, “And I don’t think you will” reminding everyone that Sonia Sotomayor probably isn’t going to go off the deep end and short of a miracle from the GOP God, will likely be easily confirmed.

Sen. Jeff Sessions of Alabama, the senior Republican, vowed a “respectful tone” and “maybe some disagreements” before ripping into this self-proclaimed “wise Latina woman” for ever thinking her experience might sometimes help her reach a better decision than a white male.

“I will not vote for, and no senator should vote for an individual nominated by any president who believes it is acceptable for a judge to allow their own personal background, gender, prejudices or sympathies to sway their decision,” he said.

“Call it empathy, call it prejudice or call it sympathy, but whatever it is, it’s not law,” Sessions said. “In truth, it’s more akin to politics, and politics has no place in the courtroom.”

At least not when a Democrat is in office, God damn it!

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