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Senate Race Tightens, As Alaskans Finally Realize The Internet May Be More Than "A Series Of Tubes"

“The Internet Is A Series Of Tubes!”
-Sen. Ted Stevens


The good people of Alaska have outdone themselves again. As if letting us borrow that gem of a governor wasn’t enough, the fine citizens of Alaska remind us once again why they represent the very best that America has to offer.

Democratic Anchorage Mayor Mark Begich has taken his first lead over incumbent Republican senator and recently convicted felon Ted Stevens by a whopping margin of THREE VOTES! in Alaska’s hotly contested senate race.

After counting some 41,000 absentee ballots today, Alaska has finally broken through the gridlock, with challenger Mark Begich leading Alaskan fossil Sen. Ted Stevens by the slimmest of margins, 125,019 votes to 125,016.

Although Stevens has been running the show in Alaska since before the state joined our happy union as proud #49 back in 1959, his political career went “down the non-internet tubes” after being convicted on seven felony counts of corruption and ethics violations just one week before the election.

There are still about 50,000 outstanding absentee ballots left to be counted, and in this state of mavericks, we know that anything can happen.

Like a little girl from Wasilla leading her high school basketball team all the way to the state championship en route to becoming mayor, then governor and almost even the Vice-President of the U.S. of A!

Or an 84-year-old seven-count-convicted felon who thinks the internet is a “series of tubes” can still be popular enough to win re-election, even if he will be legally barred from taking his seat, forcing that very same gal from Wasilla to replace him with an even better, less wrinkly, federally-investigated-though-not-actually-convicted option: Herself!

The Good Ol’ Days


A Rougher Patch

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