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Sarah Palin Isn’t Just a Genius and a Winner, She’s Now a Palm Reader, Too!

Sometimes, sweet Sarah Palin is so mind-blowingly stupid (as in makes George W. Bush look like freakin’ Einstein), that it’s really no surprise this Wasilla wonder’s become the adorable face of that group of misfits and miscreants dumb enough to name themselves after a ridiculous sexual practice, usually limited to frat houses and drunken dares, known as teabaggging.

It’s no secret that Sarah plain and small has a habit of saying one thing and doing the complete opposite. It’s her bread and butter, her moose and mustard, her buffalo and beer!

Which is to say, she pretty much makes a living off of it (and what a living it is!). $200,000 just to say some nice words about freedom, oil, war, and of course, Jesus, while condemning homos, hippie “green” types, and the socialist meltdown of this country courtesy of a certain (illegal??) “hopey, changey” Kenyan man who may or may not be trying to destroy this bountiful land of freedom and bravery known as the U.S. of A.

Yet, weaved throughout her patriotic speeches about God willing her to run for vice-president and why it’s only acceptable to use the term “retard” to describe those whackjob liberals, is a creeping sense that Sarah Palin may be confusing the words maverick and hypocrite. Which is totally understandable considering they’re both three syllable words that contain the letters C, E, and I. She’s not a wizard, people!

A fact that becomes painfully obvious the moment she opens her perfectly lipsticked mouth and sound waves begin vibrating outward (usually how our sweet Ice Queen gets herself in trouble). This is typically followed by some sort of incoherent rambling only audible to those dressed as our colonial forefathers and/or a present-day greasy-haired secessionist cloaked in some sort of confederate flag attire or a “Jesus Saves” t-shirt.

The same crack-squad of geniuses who cheer wildly, shrieking with delight whenever her highness says some asinine statement about the “health care that’s necessary to shore up the economy because it’s all about job creation” or what a real Alaskan mama bear brings to swampy, elitist, Mexican-sounding cesspools like the District of Columbia. Certainly a helluva lot more than some “charismatic guy with a teleprompter.”

Ha ha dumb Barry! Mr. “Hopey Changey” can’t even remember the words to an hour and half speech without having an electric devil contraption scrolling the text to him like some deranged Judas trying to fool the people into thinking he has magic powers.

Well, Sarah isn’t gonna pretend she’s something she’s not (intelligent?) with these hoity-toity, mad scientist machines of sin. Didn’t the good Lord instruct us:

“Lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil” (Matthew 6:13).

Let’s not forget that evil in the form of electric waves and a projection screen is just as potent as evil in the form of abominations unto the Lord like abortion, homosexuality, adultery, and pre-marital sex for anyone without a bizarrely misleading, faux progressive first name followed by the surname Palin.

Which is why Sarah follows closely the words of her Savior, Jesus Christ, when sitting down for a pre-selected Q&A session (can’t have any rogue questions slipping through, now can we?) by literally scribbling notes on her hand as helpful reminders when answering those very tough questions given to her in advance to avoid the very embarrassing debacle she now finds herself in. Again.

After all, who knows better than Sarah that “idle hands are the Devil’s playthings?”

That’s why it makes perfect sense that moments after criticizing Comrade Barry for having the audacity to use a teleprompter to deliver live televised addresses to the nation, the ol’ Barracuda decided to go rogue herself, via what appears to be the old school cheat sheet route–that is unless she randomly decided to get a henna tattoo while promotin’ freedom down in Nashville with the words:

  • “Energy”
  • Budget cuts”
  • “Tax”
  • “Lift American spirits”
So is it a big deal that, much like the fifth year senior in your high school English class, Sarah’s “prep” strategy is also to draw all over herself in sneaky places everyone notices? Eh, not really.

It’s what the common man (or woman) does when he/she can’t remember his/her basic core beliefs when asked simple pre-selected questions about said basic core beliefs!

Lots of politicians carry notes with them (or in Palin’s case, literally on them). Sorry if she isn’t as high maintenance as some terrible, arugula-eating elitist presidents who must rely on evil gadgets to ensure their thousand-word speeches go off without hitch. Sorry, if it’s just not her maverick style to do the whole “note card” thing. This folksy Arctic fox prefers to go au natural.

Just remember the brilliant words from her glorious keynote address during the weekend Palin-palooza Teabagger festival.

“To win that war [on terror], we need a commander-in-chief, not a professor.”

She’s so right! What we need is a cheating student, or better yet, a cheating student without the common sense (she has the dollars and cents) to use a cue card or single sheet of paper.

Yes, what America NEEDS above all else is a leader who draws on herself like a (special needs?) child.

Makes us feel so much better about our dumb, poor, unemployed selves. Oh, you betcha! Wink, Wink.

5 comments to Sarah Palin Isn’t Just a Genius and a Winner, She’s Now a Palm Reader, Too!

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