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Republican Congressman Chris Lee Resigns Over Sex Scandal Not Even Involving Gays, Animals, Or Crackhead Prostitutes

New York’s finest, freakiest, Craigslist trolling Republican House Representative, Chris Lee, was actually trying to hook up with a human female on the Internet, which is odd because everyone knows Republicans prefer their secret sexytime trysts be with undercover male cops in airport men’s rooms, or at the very least, hot, sexy, underage go-getters padding their resume as pages on the congressional floor.

Now, most of the time, Rep. Christopher Lee is a married 46-year-old Republican selflessly serving the 26th District of New York. But when he scours Craiglist’s “Women Seeking Men” section, hunting for some hot hetero tail, he becomes Christopher Lee, “39-year-old, divorced lobbyist” and all-around “fit, fun, classy guy” who thinks sending shirtless camera-phone photos of him flexing his bicep in the mirror like some lame high school kid on Facebook is appealing to anyone above the age of 15, let alone 30-something women professionals.

Word to the wise, Chris-bro, it’s basically one step above a Brett Favre cock shot, got it?

But since Christopher Lee has already shamefully resigned in what could be the quickest-scandal-not-involving-underage-teenage boys-S&M lezzie clubs-coke-prostitutes-in-bathroom stalls-in the history of humiliating sex shockers, involving esteemed family values politicians, is there really any point in umm, how shall I say this, pointing out the man’s flagrant lies and hypocrisy?

Ha, is John Boehner orange, Sarah Palin an idiot, and John McCain as old as time??

Besides, anyone who votes in favor of a ban on federal funding of abortion and against allowing gays and lesbians to be their fabulous selves as out ‘n proud members of the US military is obviously pretty comfortable publicly scrutinizing other people’s sex lives, and as such, probably shouldn’t send out teenage boy muscle flexing self-shots all over the Internets.

Oh well!

“It has been a tremendous honor to serve the people of Western New York. I regret the harm that my actions have caused my family, my staff and my constituents. I deeply and sincerely apologize to them all. I have made profound mistakes and I promise to work as hard as I can to seek their forgiveness.”

“The challenges we face in Western New York and across the country are too serious for me to allow this distraction to continue, and so I am announcing that I have resigned my seat in Congress effective immediately.”

On the bright side, he really can spend more time with his family now, if they still want him around. Maybe they do. Maybe they are forgiving. Or maybe they just have a soft spot for slimy, “happily-married” legislators who secretly moonlight as single, sexy, bicep-flexing shirtless corporate shills.

If not, he’s well on his way to fulfilling his other fantasy which of course is to be a divorced, 39-year-old, lobbyist.

And considering this sexytime scandal, all of that may actually soon come true for him!

Except he’ll still be 46.

Perhaps next mid-life crisis, dude might want to consider just blowing the bank on a hot, sexy, new sports car instead.

Unlike bitches, cars don’t talk.

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