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Osama Bin Laden Sleeps With The Fishes Thanks To Badass Barry & His Mysterious Ability To Not Be A Total Failure Like The Last Cowboy-In-Chief

Woohoo America, Osama bin Laden is finally as dead as Donald Trump’s chances of ever being hired as anything but a bad reality teevee host, courtesy of an elitist red, white, and blue, Obama-approved bullet to the brain by U.S. special forces during a firefight at his secret mansion/military compound in Pakistan. REALLY, GUY!? A SUBURBAN MILLION DOLLAR MANSION?? WTF??

Yes, in addition to murdering innocent men, women, and children in office buildings, Osama bin Laden apparently takes his habitation cues from the Desperate Housewives of Orange County. Ugh the bastard! Hmm, well that explains why Obama couldn’t wait for sweeps week or November 2012 to pull this off.

Good thing President Barack Obama takes his cues from bad ass action movies, and as such, overcame his devotion to Allah, Socialism, and poor people to do what the white idiot who proceeded him could not: successfully order our armed forces to take the quivering terror troll out once and for all on his own turf.

WINNING! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! TIGER TERRORIST BLOOD!

So now that the United States has finally killed and disposed of its greatest enemy’s corpse which, according to proper Islamic law, naturally means dumping the motherf**ker in the ocean, does this mean we can now stop torturing people in Cuban prison camps and maybe get our civil liberties back?

Meh. Probably a much better (and more popular!) idea is to impale Osama’s head on a stick and parade it around Ground Zero. Look at the polls, Obama! Give the people what they want!

The Donald Trump would. Hell, he’d even class the mangled ol’ corpse up, replacing that ratty old turban towely thing atop his head with one of his luxurious, thick toupees and providing a signature, instant Donald Trump™ birth certificate before dipping the whole al-Qaeda kit ‘n kaboodle in 24k gold to really wow the crowds gathering to chant, “USA! USA! USA!” at various locations across the nation.

Oh and just in case you had any lingering doubts (where’s the death certificate, huh??) or were worried that the facts may get muddled, twisted, or drowned out with all that patriotic shrieking, fear not my fellow Americans, for Fox News continues to lead the way in journalistic accuracy and integrity. And they can ‘confrim’ with 100% certainty that ‘Usama Bin Landen’ is dead.

WINNER!

Err, wait, make that Obama bin Laden. Ah yes, much better. Keep up the good work, Fox!

And to think, if it wasn’t for Fox’s relentless pursuit of Barack Obama’s real birth certificate/certificate of live birth, he would never have SUCCESSFULLY KILLED BIN LADEN in a massive conspiracy to distract the rest of the world from discovering the truth about his mysterious (secret Muslim terrorist) origins in a Honolulu hospital hump of a camel in the Sahara desert.

I mean if George W. Bush was an illegal alien when he was President of freedom, he would’ve been able to kill bin Laden, too! With his bare hands, probably!

Big whoop, Obama! For all we know, it was Twitter, not U.S. special forces, that murdered Osama bin Laden (aka Usama bin Landen), just like it overthrew the government of Egypt and turned Sarah Palin into Shakespeare.

It’s like Obama said, “America can do whatever we set our minds to.” As long as it’s killing people. (We’re really good at that!) And as long as we have a decade or so to get around to doing it. Then hell yeah, bring on President Badass!

Looks like Osama bin Obama’d. How’s that for a Trump card?

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