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Obama White House Just Can't Decide Whether To Lay Down The Red Carpet Or Lay Themselves Down & Let Republicans Walk All Over Them Instead

It’s no secret that when Republicans even so much as threaten to utter the dreaded words Democrats and taxes in the same sentence, diminutive Donkeys from Dover to Denver run screaming for the hills because nothing is more terrifying than a bunch of wild-eyed, salivating, power-starved conservatives painting liberals as crazy spend ‘n tax madmen Socialists, regardless of whether it’s based in reality or some Grand Old wealthy, whites-only fantasy land.

Of course, being the brave, thick-spined Party of principles that they are, the fightin’ Democrats vowed just last week to focus their lame duck legislative efforts on renewing the Bush tax cuts for the middle class only. So it is likely that they’ll soon cave completely to Republi—in 3, 2, oh look, they already did!

Because everyone (ahem, the every rich person with a .45 in their pocket and an oil well in their backyard) knows the Republicans’ plan to extend all of the Bush income tax breaks — set to expire on January 1, 2011 — including those for the top two income brackets (aka the wealthiest 2 percent of Americans, the richest of the rich, the Crème de la Crème), permanently and post haste, is absolutely crucial to the survival of America, as a ballooning, bloated, unsustainable, grossly unequal, drunken Diva, free from the terrible scourge formerly known as the middle class.

Hooray!

On the other hand, the dumb ol’ Democratic (or at least non-faux Dems like Nebraska Nelson) plan has been to extend all rates permanently except those for the top two income brackets, because, well, it’s not really all that important to them, anyway! Not to mention would cost $700 billion less than the Republican plan over the next ten years. Which, considering we’re dead broke and all, is still pretty damn generous!

Of course, it would have been a whole hell of a lot easier for Democrats to have forced a vote on the tax cuts right before the midterm elections when they still had sizable majorities in both chambers, because even the Republicans realize they can’t repeatedly block a middle class tax cut (just so the rich get their much less needed lovin’ too!) without looking like complete assholes, eventually.

Which is why the Dems naturally decided to wait until after they lost the House for White House political adviser and resident bad-idea breaker, David Axelrod, to gently let the whole world know the Obama administration is ready to fold like a cheap suit from the Men’s Warehouse in Wasilla on the whole Bush tax cuts thing in a damn Huffington Post interview.

“We have to deal with the world as we find it,” David Axelrod said during an unusually candid and reflective 90-minute interview in his office, steps away from the Oval Office. “The world of what it takes to get this done.” (Oh right, you mean the world of bending over and taking it like a nice, li’l Democrat caving to the whims of a bunch of caffeinated Teabags? Jesus Christ, these guys!).
“There are concerns,” he added, that Congress will continue to kick the can down the road in the future by passing temporary extensions for the wealthy time and time again. “But I don’t want to trade away security for the middle class in order to make that point.”

In fact, he doesn’t really know what point he’s trying to make since the White House immediately tried to walk back Axelrod’s statements the very next day, only to find out that’s like asking Michael Vick to replace Cesar Millan as the new Dog Whisperer, only to (whoops!) uncover his secret stash of dead, mutated canine carcasses littering his spacious backyard. Or diving into the Pacific with open flesh wounds while Great Whites circle around, and then asking them to kindly forget about the human snack bobbing helplessly, tempting them from above.

So umm yeah, that’s kind of difficult to take back. Plus, when the Dems try to distance themselves from looking like total pussies who whimper and curl into the fetal position before the first shots are even fired, it makes them look even worse.

At least deciding to cede all legislative control to the Republicans, in addition to all the chips at the bargaining table is an actual stance, and as such, certainly better than waffling every which way like some tweaked out, trembling Yo-Yo on a bad acid trip, which only ends up giving the Republicans exactly what they wanted without having to pay any sort of price or take the slightest risk.

Funny thing is, the Democrats can actually do this whole tax song ‘n dance bullshit too. It’s true! All they have to do is play the fun Republican game of saying whatever crazy half-baked, conjured up lies come into their little minds first, like say, “Let the damn things expire. The Republicans raised taxes. They were in charge of Congress when it was time to pass them. We, the valiant Dems, were willing to sign it , but apparently the Republicans are secret Muslim terrorists who hate the middle class, or at least any dumb schlubs earning less than $250,000.”

Naaaaaailed it! 2012 won.

Oh, and it would reduce the deficit. Which may be a good idea at some point. Oh well!

But probably not as good an idea as handing Republicans a cheat sheet with all your strategic moves and a handwritten note sealed with a kiss and the words, “A Dummies Guide To Defeating Dumb Democrats On Taxes In 10 Easy-to-Follow, Sweat & Effort-Free Steps.”

Okay then! Just call it the Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell of tax cuts.

“It is absolutely insane that in these tough economic times some people want to continue George W. Bush’s tax giveaways to millionaires,” AFL-CIO President Richard Trumka said. “Speaker Pelosi is exactly right that there should not be a so-called compromise on this issue.”

“The election is over and now it’s time for politicians to show courage and stand and fight on these issues for working families,” the union president said. “Let the millionaires fend for themselves for a change.”

Oh hahahaha, that’s rich! Not as rich as the big pimpin’ billionaires actually receiving the tax breaks, but hey, close enough. Besides, with all that extra cash, they can just buy their own state of the art security squad.

Which should come in handy since apparently when Rahm left the White House, he decided to take all the balls with him.

Except for one pair, of course. So put your man pants on and Rahm it home, Nancy!

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