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Nobody Knows How To Shake Up, Dumb Down, Or Screw Over An Election Quite Like South Carolina!

Well done, South Carolina, well done! You have surpassed even the lowest, most pathetic expectations to solidify a sullied hallowed place in South Carolina’s great political hall of shame.

This is no small feat! Especially in good ol’ South Carolina, where Republican governors hike Appalachian Trails to wild extra-marital sex with hot Argentine mistresses, sexy Republican gubernatorial hopefuls bang bloggers, political rivals, and basically anyone who is not their husband, and of course, unemployed, accused sex offenders who may or may not be mentally retarded win Democratic Senate primaries. Hooray!

So, sorry Texas, Arizona, Alabama, and the rest of the red-headed stepstates whose valiant efforts to oust North Carolina’s parasitic twin from its well-earned perch high atop the nut tree as the undisputed king of the crazies fell just a wee bit short.

Oh, South Carolina you make us proud! No one waltzes in and steals your dysfunctional thunder without putting up a fight first. They’ve get pride, people!

So much pride in fact, that they happily elect an unemployed black man with zero political experience, still living with his 81-year-old father, whose ability to actually sign up for an election, pay the $10,000 fee, and have his name come first on the ballot was more than enough to dazzle the voters.

This is the irresistible charm of South Carolina, my friends!

According to the AP:

“Greene stunned state Democratic Party leaders by winning the nomination. He raised no money and put up no campaign website. He beat former four-term state lawmaker Vic Rawl, 64, who had raised about $186,000 and had to abruptly scrap a late-week fundraiser for the fall.”

“Alvin Greene says he’s a 13-year veteran of both the Army and the Air Force, but he’s been out of the military and unemployed since last year.”

Not to mention, that sentence is far more coherent than anything Greene has actually been quoted as saying, because there is serious suspicion that the poor fellow is indeed brain damaged. And not a metaphorical “crazy,” like Kentucky fried wingnut Rand Paul, but more like his brain is damaged, medically.

Sort of like how in movies, the bad guys find some dumb borderline-retarded schmuck to do their dirty work, and someone says the obligatory line, “He’s so stupid. He’s perfect.” or “It’s so crazy, it just might work!” while fiendishly rubbing their hands together.

Well, in this case, just substitute “movies” for “South Carolina” and “token loser/lovable Lenny-type” with real-life lovable loser Alvin Greene.

“I’m the Democratic Party nominee,” Greene said in an interview at his father’s home on a lonely stretch of rural highway in central South Carolina. “The people have spoken. The people of South Carolina have spoken. The people of South Carolina have spoken. We have to be pro-South Carolina. The people of South Carolina have spoken. We have to be pro-South Carolina.”

Wait, what?!? Err, oh, nevermind. Does it even matter anyway?

Yeah, so Greene was also “involuntarily” honorably discharged from the army (not sketchy at all) and recently arrested and charged with a felony charge of obscenity for creeping out some college chick with porno pics and an unwelcome invite to accompany her back to her dorm like the true South Carolina sex offender gentleman he is.

Naturally, when asked by reporters about the sex-creep felony charges he faces, Greene hung up the phone. Dude’s one smooooooth operator.

But either way, speculation continues regarding how this guy, who possesses neither a computer nor a cell phone, nor apparently the ability to formulate so much as a single coherent sentence suddenly morphs into a supernatural ELECTION-WINNING MACHINE, capturing over 100,000 votes.

Even if they were just South Carolina votes.

So, of course a lot of folks assume that he’s some kind of plant by the Republican Party, which seems insane, or at least as insane as a 32-year-old unknown unemployed veteran, both incoherent and obviously incompetent, who made no campaign appearances, has no campaign organization and mysteriously paid the $10,400 filing fee out of his own pocket was able to handily defeat his much more-qualified opponent by no less than 16 points.

How this happened exactly (foul play, his name starting with A, South Carolina being well, South Carolina?) is unclear. What is clear, is that however way he won, Alvin Greene put as little effort into it as possible.

Imagine what he could have done if he had even so much as tried to win.

Just think of the possibilities if Greene had taken his platform of shoving porn in college girls’ faces directly to the good people of South Carolina!

Why, his margin of victory could have been off-the-charts, of almost mythical proportion! The dude could have been legendary. Like $arah Palin legendary, even!

If not convicted and put in prison before the general election (keep your fingers crossed!), Alvin Greene will face incumbent wingnut Republican Senator Jim DeMint in November, where he will almost certainly lose by some stunningly humiliating margin, like any actual Democratic, carbon-based being not named Jim DeMint would.

Unless, all Greene needs to do is sign up for an election to win it.

Then perhaps Jim DeMint should be worried.

Does South Carolina have a place in its heart for a young, black, inexplicably unemployed, possibly perverted shut-in of mysterious origins with no political experience or actual knowledge we can discern, who might also be mentally retarded?

Hell, do you even have to ask? This is South Carolina, y’all!!!!!!

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