OMG, people, GAY is now officially legal in New York!
They’re here, they’re queer, and they’re coming to a gift registry near you!
Now that New York has reclaimed the mantle of progress and equality from it’s once-hip, now tragically Mormon, Prop 8 populated friend, California, and become the sixth state to give those pesky gays the right to get married and become as miserable and lame as their heterosexual counterparts, what does this mean for the rest of us?
Should we be happy that freedom, liberty, equal protection under the law, and all the good stuff we looooove saying about America is finally, at least sort of true, instead of just some empty, meaningless, RAH RAH slogan that makes us feel good about ourselves?
Or is it really true what the Republicans have said during culture wars past?
That the biggest threat to America are nice gay and lesbian couples who already live together and share a bank account who would also like to be able to visit each other in the hospital and file joint tax returns and enjoy all the rest of the 1,400 plus rights and privileges afforded to normal, decent opposite sex married couples by destroying the sacred union of one Brittney Spears + one backup dancer + one Elvis impersonator in holy matrimony at the 24-hour Chapel ‘O Love on the Vegas strip.
Not to mention all the other terrible things that are going to happen, thanks to “gay marriage,” like all of New York’s impressionable young children turning gay (wait, or is it artsy?) and everyone getting gay divorced, like the rest of the sacred, morally pure, Jesus approved, blessed unions with the proper penis-to-vagina ratios.
Amiright? Who’s with me? Where my Republicans at?
Oh, looky here, it’s America’s #1 marriage sanctity expert, thrice-divorced white-haired wonder Newt Gingrich, giving his righteous opinion on proper marriage etiquette like the right way to leave your cancer-stricken wife for a much younger, much hotter, trophy wife you can parade around, not tend to while they lay dying in a hospital bed. Boring!
But, seriously, couldn’t they just leave well enough alone?
“In our state, we’re going to continue to pursue civil unions,” first-term Republican New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie said. “I am not a fan of same-sex marriage. It’s not something that I support.”
“I believe marriage should be between one man and one woman. I wouldn’t sign a bill like the one that was in New York.”
Unless, he added, it was thick sliced, piled high on warm, fresh baked artisan bread, smothered in cheese, slathered in mayonnaise, preferably chipotle spiced, and wrapped in hearty, thick-cut bacon, like the good Lord intended
Then maybe we could make an exception.
Besides, if all gross gays were allowed to get gross gay married wherever they so pleased, who knows what would happen next?
Michele Bachmann might never have been born because her mommy and daddy were too busy getting their same-sex on with the maid and gardener, respectively.
And then she would never have been popping babies out like a human pez dispenser, and adopting foster children the way you and I buy bulk paper towels at Costco.
Then maybe she could remember all the different voices in her head, so the next time she is asked about the gays getting married, she’ll remember the correct answer is not that states can legalize gay marriage if they want to. Bad Michele Voice #2, Bad! But rather that America needs one of those federal constitutional amendments to stop the gays from gaying all over the place or trying to eat Michele with innocent questions in restrooms, or whatever it is they do.
But nooooooooo. Thanks to the pesky gays getting all gay marriagey, Michele Bachmann is forced to kick off her presidential campaign in Waterloo, Iowa, because of its geographic significance or just because she’s an idiot.
Unfortunately that spirit is less the “beloved movie star” John Wayne and more the “killer homosexual clown who raped and murdered 33 teenage boys in the 1970s,” John Wayne Gacy.
Ah yes, fuck gay rights! The holy matrimony of infidelity, gluttony, and batshit insanity is a beautiful thing.
Unlike stupid, gross equality. That’s just gay.