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Multi-Millionaire Republicans Simply Cannot Afford Obama’s Socialist Rich People Tax

While Republicans, like Louisiana Rep. John Fleming, were busy whining about how $6.3 million a year just ain’t what it used to be (I mean who do you have to screw to get some freakin’ foie gras around here!?), President of Socialism, Barack Obama, was busy concocting his evil plan to reduce the ballooning deficit by having the (black) balls big enough to ask precious multi-millionaires and billionaires to actually pay their fair share of taxes instead of just making dumb poor and old people collect bottle caps and harvest their own organs to do it.

Ugh, the nerve!

Ignoring yet another meaningless warning from Republicans against terrible Commie tax increases, President Obama unveiled his new deficit-reduction plan, “The Buffett Rule,” forcing the nation’s wealthiest one percent to give half their salaries, in cold-hard cash, to the Nation of Islam, greenpeace loving halogen lightbulb manufacturers fix the crumbling economy and close the ever-widening gap between the wonderful, virtuous rich and revolting, needy poor. Or something like that.

President Obama on Monday will call for a new minimum tax rate for individuals making more than $1 million a year to ensure that they pay at least the same percentage of their earnings as middle-income taxpayers.

In remarks in the White House Rose Garden, Obama drew stark contrasts between Republican’s penchant for backing “tax cuts for millionaires and billionaires” while requiring seniors, the middle class and the poor to tighten their belts and accept sacrifices.

“During this past decade, profligate spending in Washington, tax cuts into multi-millionaires and billionaires, and two wars have turned a record surplus into a massive deficit,” Obama said. “If we don’t act, the debt will eventually crowd out everything else, eventually affecting us from investing in things like education and Medicaid. We need to cut what we can’t afford to pay for things we need.”

And what we need is bigger tax breaks for über-rich corporations! I mean seriously, what else should we do, let Rep. John Walsh and his family starve to death on his hobo salary of $400,000 after adjusting for whatever the hell else he does with the remainder of the paltry $6.3 million he annually pockets from his various Subway and UPS franchises (accidentally order the five (hundred) dollar footlong?).

Well, some people (Republicans) simply will not stand for this class warfare! Asking the perfect, morally flawless job creators like corporate CEOs, oil barons, and heiresses to give the big bad gubmint their hard-earned money is simply outrageous. What the hell does this look like, Soviet Russia or something?

“This plan eliminates tax loopholes that primarily go to the largest business and corporations–tax breaks that small businesses and middle class Americans don’t have to pay,” Obama said. “We can’t afford these special lower rates for the wealthy, which by the way, were initially talked about as temporary measures.”
“Either we have to ask the wealthy to pay their fair share, or we have to ask seniors to pay more for medicare, or gut education. This is not class warfare. It’s math.”

Exactly! After all, the only thing scarier to Republicans than gross poor people is gross numbers. Though, I guess as a compromise, we could always just propose gutting Republicans instead!?

Finally, a solution we can all swallow!

Plus, on the bright side, unlike John Fleming’s enormous family of ravenous, $200,000/year truffle-stuffing gluttons, we’ll finally have something to shove down our pie holes that doesn’t cost four times what the average American schlub makes in an entire year.

Winning!

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