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Much Like The Dodo Bird & The GOP, Don't Ask Don't Tell May Soon Be Relegated To Museums' Extinct Relics Collections

OMG! Did you hear the amazing, Earth-shattering news? Barack Obama has finally given the ol’ presidential stamp of approval on a compromise to repeal the Pentagon’s wonderful “Don’t Ask Don’t Tell” policy, which effectively bars gross gay people from risking their pathetic, sinful lives and serve in the United States military, like the rest of us normal, straight people not condemned to eternal hellfire.

For those of you who don’t listen to Barbara Streisand while wearing camouflaged fatigues, “Don’t Ask Don’t Tell” is the horrible result of President Clinton’s attempt to lift the ban on terrible gays and lesbians serving (openly) in the military, way back in 1993 when doing anything to help the dreaded homosexuals be treated like actual American citizens, likely meant the abrupt end of one’s promising political career, even more than any secret Oval Office blowjobs ever could.

The whole premise of DADT is you “don’t ask” if someone is a gay (like say your flaming bunk mate who prances around the barracks in high heels and a feather boa), and if you are a gay, you “don’t tell” anyone your disgusting secret. This means, if you are really good at being all sketchy and secretive about who you are, and love using general, generic pronouns when describing the person with whom you share your life, you are legally allowed to get blown up by an improvised explosive device on the side of a road in Iraq or Afghanistan, in order to defend the very freedom you, yourself do not have the privilege of enjoying. So ummm, sorry about that?

Judging from this summary alone, it is of course very difficult to see how such a flawed policy could lead to rampant discrimination, marginalization, and severe psychological distress (and this is all before facing actual combat!). So naturally, Republicans are just in loooooove with this policy!

Fortunately, Republicans are now basically irrelevant, and Democrats haven’t completely sold out their rainbow-colored compatriots, which means there’s still a shimmering pink glimmer of hope!

Now that a good 17 years have gone by, and America has moved, kicking and screaming, into the 21st century, most Democrats believe that gays and lesbians should leave the collective closet and finally Be All They Can Be without being forced To Be Someone They’re Not.

Even hardened, old military brass like Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff Adm. Mike Mullen and Secretary of Defense Robert Gates think Don’t Ask Don’t Tell is a terribly outdated legislative dinosaur that should definitely probably be appealed. The question now being when exactly is the best time to let the queer cat out the brown and green camouflaged bag?

You may recall back in February when Staff Adm. Mike Mullen testified before Congress, saying, “I cannot escape being troubled by the fact that we have in place a policy which forces young men and women to lie about who they are in order to defend their fellow citizens.”

But turns out, even more troubling to these manly military men is how to plan the perfect coming out party for these loud ‘n proud men and women soon-to-be sashaying, shimmying and shaking their frisky selves out of boot camp barracks and Army storage closets around the country.

And by big, bad coming out party, we of course mean waiting almost a whole year so military officials can complete their very important study to make sure letting GI Joe or Jane be their fabulous selves won’t destroy the delicate morale of the troops, whose cohesion may just be hanging by a single, sexually straight thread.

Because everyone knows you don’t want to just hastily rush in and uproot an embarrassing blight on equality and justice in one fell swoop. There needs to be order, discipline, and a slow, steady pace when righting an almost two-decades long wrong. It’s the American way!

After all, the 1948 order for racial integration in the military took a whole 5 years to implement, and that was just plain ol’ black people, which is waaaaaay less terrifying than a real, live homo in combat boots.

So, what we get is a nice ol’ compromise: The Obama administration has given its blessing in the form of an amendment to the defense spending measure, which goes through Congress this week, that would repeal the policy. In exchange, the DADT repeal won’t go into effect until Secretary Gates and Adm. Mullen complete their study to ensure giving gays the right to die for their country, won’t result in sudden apocalyptic doom and the end of civilization as we know it.

Since the study is due to Congress by Dec. 1, rest assured that flamboyant, fashionably dressed, sexually deviant men and women won’t officially start helping their fellow countrymen kill Taliban or capture bin Laden until sometime next year, at the earliest. Phew!

Not surprisingly, for their part, the Grand Old Party of racist old people and closeted white men secretly trolling for hot man-tail in airport mens rooms, has vowed to defend the Don’t Ask Don’t Tell policy—one which they originally opposed (oooh, does that count as progress??), and that scores of current and retired generals and admirals have said is outdated, ineffective, and compromises national security.

Those Republicans, always on the side of justice!

Like ancient fossil/living legend John McCain, who can’t remember exactly what he thinks of the policy, but after a quick game of “Eeny, meeny, miny, moe” has decided that while the legislation is “imperfect but effective,” “we should not be seeking to overturn.”

Just like Gramps himself, as well as a certain one-time maverick’s Arizona senate seat?

Or Indiana Republican House member Rep. Mike Pence, who knows, “The American people don’t want the American military to be used to advance a liberal political agenda. And House Republicans will stand on that principle.”

And yes, they do consider wanton discrimination against a single minority as principle.

Even if that principle happens to be thousands of dishonorably discharged, capable young men and women with valuable Arabic speaking and translating skills getting used to the feeling of a whole herd of dumb fat elephants trampling around on top of them until they can find a new, terrible group to discriminate against for political gain.

Too bad they already sent all the Mexicans back to Mexicanland or Mexicopolis or wherever it is those pesky browns come from.

Meanwhile, Sen. Joseph I. Lieberman (I-Conn.) and Rep. Patrick J. Murphy (D-Pa.), the lead sponsors
for repealing the legislation, vowed to pursue their goal quickly.

“It is our firm belief that it is time to repeal this discriminatory policy that not only dishonors those who are willing to give their lives in service to their country but also prevents capable men and women with vital skills from serving in the armed forces.”

Ooooh, discriminatory policy that dishonors Americans while also preventing capable men and women from serving the country that they love!?

Sounds like the GOP just found themselves the perfect, new recruitment motto they’ve been searching for!

And to think, they didn’t even have to go to lesbian S&M bondage clubs to find ’em!

[image via Talking Points Memo]

3 comments to Much Like The Dodo Bird & The GOP, Don’t Ask Don’t Tell May Soon Be Relegated To Museums’ Extinct Relics Collections

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