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John McCain In Race Against Obama’s Evil Plug-Pulling Death Squads

Poor Gramps McCain. He can’t do anything right! Just when he finally understands the whole health care reform debate enough to discuss it publicly without sounding like a walking advertisement for Alzheimer’s research who’ll likely be dead by the time it passes anyway, that rascal Barack Obama swoops in and snatches away his thunder yet again.

So Johnny finally grows some balls and makes an appearance on “This Week with George Stephanopoulos” to give America an exciting dose of the old straight talk express, health care edition. If there’s one thing McCain understands other than whooping Vietcong ass, it is the exorbitant cost of medical care in this country–especially for people who don’t have frigid, young, beer heiresses for wives.

Which is why it really is a shame about poor Sen. Ted Kennedy being too sick with brain cancer to participate in negotiations and all, because if he were healthy, John McCain knows health care legislation would cruise through Congress quicker than a war resolution in the wake of 9/11.

“He had a unique way of sitting down with the parties at a table and making the right concessions, which really are the essence of successful negotiations,” McCain said. “So it’s huge that he’s absent, not only because of my personal affection for him, but because I think the health care reform might be in a very different place today.”

See, it’s all Teddy’s fault he got sick and made all the Republicans turn into a bunch of obstructionist assholes who’d rather see the whole nation die of small pox than Barry get his stupid “universal” health plan passed.

But since there’s nothing we can do about that, McCain has another brilliant suggestion for a certain President whose name is Barry when it should have been John if he wants to reach congressional agreement on health care: kill the whole “public” option part of the reform plan.

That way, 46 million Americans will still be without health insurance, the current system can continue draining our nation’s resources and bankrupting the economy, costs can keep skyrocketing out of control, but at least Obama can be proud of his bipartisan health care legislation reforming not a broken system that hurts hardworking Americans, but the way Congress feels about itself. Because isn’t that what’s important here?

Well meany Obama has had enough of the GOP’s propaganda machine spewing nonsense about government-run death panel brigades to kill Grandma, encouraging armed town hall debates, and equating affordable health coverage for all Americans with the Nazis’ policy of exterminating Jews. It’s giving him a bad name.

But since he thinks health care is sooooo important, more important even than ensuring sensitive flowers like John McCain and Charles Grassley do not get their feelings hurt, Obama has decided to go it alone.

After “bending over backward” to create a bipartisan bill and “getting almost nothing in return for it”, President Obama is ready to “consider alternatives” like ignoring the loser party of obstructionists and instead use his Democratic supermajority to pass health care reform, whether those damn Republicans like it or not.

Someone better warn Gramps McCain his days are numbered.

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