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John Boehner's Brain's Been So Fried From Barry's Star Power, He Doesn't Even Feel The Need To Try Anymore!

Oh look, 24 hours have passed since terrible Democrats voted in favor of financial reform, which means glowing orange House Minority Leader John Boehner should have endorsed some new, untenable policy in bad faith, umm, about twenty minutes ago at least!

And like the total boner he is, he did not disappoint. His brilliant idea, this time coming in the form of a moratorium on all new federal regulations for an entire year, for reals.

Here’s how it all went down:

Earlier this week, the Senate voted 60-39 to pass Congress’s financial regulatory reform bill, which Obama will likely sign into law next week. The bill, which is a response to the economic crisis started in 2008, largely thanks to the bad behavior by the world’s most powerful financial institutions, provides new safeguards and consumer protections so as to help the American public avoid once again being screwed over and thrust into destitution by said financial institutions.

So John Boehner did what any desperate Grand Old Puppet of Big Business/Wall Street would do and held an emergency meeting with business and trade lobbyists asking them what they would like him, their humble House minority servant, to do.

After emerging from this fab little session with fellow fab fashionista, fuchsia wearing Illinois Republican Aaron Schock and his homely, heterosexual, less fashionable compatriot Peter Roksam, John Boehner could hardly wait to tell the whole world “his” great idea to enact a moratorium on new federal regulations for a year, just like the lobbyists told him to do for like freedom ‘n stuff. Apparently, they don’t much care for NObama’s terrible Socialist policies preventing them from continuing their thriving business of finding new and creative ways to screw the American people out of their hard-earned money, and if all goes well, their foreclosed homes, too. Yay!

House Minority Leader John A. Boehner on Friday endorsed a one-year moratorium on almost all new federal regulations, an idea he said would create jobs by ending uncertainty among businesses fearful of new federal mandates.

Boehner made the suggestion in the Capitol after a 90-minute session with a group of business leaders gathered as part of America Speaking Out, the House Republicans’ effort to solicit ideas across the country for a fall campaign platform.

One of the participants at the roundtable raised the idea and Boehner said afterward, “Having a moratorium on new federal regulations is a great idea. It sends a wonderful signal to the private sector that they’ll have some breathing room.”

Phew! Because all these rules and regulations by lame-o NObama, protecting dumb schmucks like me and you, were really starting to make them feel all claustrophobic, almost as if they were no longer allowed to cause housing meltdowns, stock market collapses, or anything fun and reckless anymore. Nada!

Ugh, when will Barry the Terrible end his all-out war on all businesses everywhere, until our once-shining pillar of unbridled Capitalism has been completely pulverized, and is nothing but a skyscraper-less, sustenance based shadow of its former self?

Why can’t we have more fearless, UV fried frauds of freedom like Major Boner to come up with awesome ant metaphors and hold secret lobbyist meetings to help protect the poor, poor investment bankers and oil conglomerates from having to pay so much as one measly penny for callously destroying an entire economy and ecosystem, respectively?

Thanks goodness, at least someone has the tangelos big enough to stand up and demand this terrible, consumer protecting legislation be repealed, this time even before it has actually been signed into law, which is like even better!

Ladies and gents, I give you House Minority Tanning Bed Salesman, John Boehner:

“I think it ought to be repealed. There are common sense things that you should do to plug the holes in the regulatory system that were there, and to bring more transparency to financial transactions, because transparency is like sunlight. Sunlight is the best disinfectant.”

Oh warm, delicious, radiant sunlight! It is also like beautiful oxygen, and the ultimate panacea for all the world’s ills including pasty white politicians with no spine and no principles, whose passion for delicious artificial, electrically-generated pigment darkening, cancer causing ultraviolet rays is matched only by his zealous commitment to showering even more toxic, cancerous policies all over the American people.

Because the only thing worse than getting burned by the Sun is getting burned by a sun-scorched Boner that’s been cooked so many times, it’s one Solar 3000 session from being sliced up, seasoned, and served with a side of dipping sauce, at the congressional cafeteria.

Mmmmm, a much tastier and more sensible use of the over-cooked, bone dry, orange-tinged, special slab of Grade-A meat.

The House’s choicest cut!

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