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Is There A New Kim On The Block?

Oooh, Something Tells Me Things Are Gonna Be Different Now!

Unlike in hideous, Constitutional abiding, Democratic America, over in the bad Korea, they know how to do politics the right way: no voting, no campaigns, no food for the people, no contact with the outside world, no freedom whatsoever, no money for anyone except Dear Leader, etc.

This wildly successful system of transferring absolute power from one insane, psychotic Cognac-loving Kim-named midget to another has worked brilliantly for at least the last half-century or so, (save for the detention camps and that li’l famine that killed some 2-3 million North Koreans, because really, whose counting anyway?).

So now that Dear Leader Lil’ Kim Jong Il is possibly dying from pancreatic cancer and is also believed to have suffered a stroke two years ago, the time has come (or not?) for Kim the Elder to transfer complete power and the undying love of every Korean to his youngest son, Very Lil’ Kim Junior the 2nd Jong Un. Hooray!!

In the biggest meeting of North Korea’s ruling Workers’ Party in 30 years, Kim Jong Il promoted both his sister, Kim Kyong Hui and his youngest son, Kim Jong Un to Four Star Generals, “signaling the start of a possible power transfer in North Korea to a man said to be in his late 20s who the regime has never previously mentioned in public.” Sadly, Kim’s amicable, chubby, less bloodthirsty insane, Ferragamo loafer-wearing eldest son, Kim Jong Nam lost a power struggle with his little bro several years ago, due primarily to the fact that he is not a 100 percent deranged madman who feasts on misery and babies’ tears, and is thus unfit to rule.

Of course, the last such Party gathering saw current fan favorite Kim Jong Il assume control from his father, the original Dear Leader, Eternal President, and Korean Jesus, Kim Il Sung, way back in 1980, and pretty much everything has been sunshine and roses, worldwide, ever since.

Hopefully, the new Supreme Leader of all Korea Kim Jong Un will be even more amazing than his universally adored, albeit vertically challenged, legendary father Kim Jong Il, if such greatness is even possible, which it is not, since he is a Living God, and the Earthly embodiment of all that is Holy, Pure, and Right in the world.

But we can always hope!

Little is known about Kim Jong Un. He attended the International School of Berne in Switzerland, according to media including the Seoul-based Dong-A Ilbo newspaper. The official Korean Central News Agency (KCNA) has never mentioned the son by name and China didn’t say whether he accompanied his father during the most recent visit.

The promotion of Kim Jong Un to the rank of General, along with Kim Jong Il’s sister, Kim Kyong Hui, in what may be part of “contingency plans should Kim Jong Un prove unsuitable,” was issued yesterday by Kim Jong Il, who called on military commanders to “remain true to the party’s leadership in the future.”

“It’s the first step forward in what will be a step-by-step process,” Donald Gregg, a former U.S. ambassador to South Korea said in an interview with Bloomberg Television. “It would be almost impossible to give Kim Jong Un full powers since he is untested.”

OMG, so true! Like what if Lil’ Kim Jong Un turned out to be some freak pussy who doesn’t even get off by systematically murdering, starving and terrifying his own people while sippin’ Henny and watching old, terrible American action flicks from the comfort of any one of his 17 different, heavily fortified, anti-aircraft missile equipped palaces throughout North Korea??

Then how would Bill Clinton get to heroically rescue pretty, frightened Asian gals from pint-sized dungeon masters, earning their eternal gratitude, not to mention a 10 hour, 50 minute, 5,946 mile unaccompanied flight with two attractive women–giddy with freedom and eager to do anything to give thanks to the brave, tireless efforts of a certain former president, who would never deprive a lady of her wishes, especially one down on her knees?

Guess that rules out Bill’s North Korean successor hopes. But don’t despair! He could always return to governing Arkansas. After all, it is the North Korea of North America.

Oh, Pyongyang, things are gonna change, we can feel it. YES WE CAN!

Oh wait, that’s  just the electric fence.

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