Willard “Mitt” Romney is a lover of many things. Many, many generic things. He loves air, for instance. The way it effortlessly swirls around from place to place, filling up empty space without ever being noticed. The delicate way it fills your chest, pumping into your lungs. It just feels so right!
You know what else feels right? You do, America!
He loves everything about you. Your large, sturdy shape. The fearless way you shovel donut cheeseburgers down your throat, unswayed by death or diabetic coma. Your funny little houses with the wheels under them. Motor homes, if I have the lingo right. Gosh Bless ’em! The way you paint your frozen obese bodies and wear cheese on your head when cheering for sport. He can’t get enough! What a country!
Want to know what else Mitt loves from the bottom of his totally relatable, totally human, non-robotic, billionaire everyman heart?
He loves our land.
“I love our lands,” he said. Lease it, rent it, own it, raze it, build it, bulldoze it, drill it, fill it, drain it, dry it, there’s nothing you can’t do with land. Land is good, my friends! (P.S. Obama hates land and won’t stop until we are floating around aimlessly, not a drop of terra firma to be found!).
He loves our people.
“I love our people,” he said. Raise your hands in the air if you’re white and got more than $1,000 dollars in your pocket!
He loves business.
“I love you,” he told business leaders. He doesn’t care what NOBAMA or the big bad gubmint says, corporations are people, my friend! Large, powerful, metal & steel-fortified, weather-resistant, amorphous people. Aesthetically pleasing on the outside, hollow and plastic on the inside. You know, just like Mitt.
He loves Michigan’s lakes.
“I love the lakes,” he said. Wait, but I thought it was land that was good?? LAND, remember??
He loves Michigan’s inland lakes.
“There’s something very special here–the great lakes, but also all the little inland lakes that dot the parts of Michigan,” he said. Let’s call them good lakes. Not great, but decent enough. Oh, and also all the little fish that dot the parts of Michigan that are underwater. Not in the Detroit ‘underwater’ kind of way, either.
He loves the streets in Michigan.
“The streets are just right,” he said. The way they go East and West and North and South and have painted yellow lines on them. And you should see the way all the vehicles move on them! Like butter, I tell ya! Besides, some of his best friends have streets named after them!
He loves the trees.
“You know, the trees are the right height,” he said. Perfect for climbing. Or swinging. Or chopping down and making into other wonderful things, like, oh, I don’t know, say, money. Unlike those giant red weirdos out in hippie-dippie Californication.
He loves cars.
“I love cars,” he said. “I grew up totally in love with cars.” And then he married Ann. Life is craaaaazy!
He loves the Constitution.
“I love our Constitution,” he said. It had him at “We.” By the time he gets to “The People,” fuggedaboutit, he’s already lost his shit!
He loves our freedoms.
“I love our freedoms,” he said. Feels so liberating!
He loves hymns.
“I love the hymns of this nation,” he said. Leave rock ‘n roll to Obama and the kids. Al Green ain’t got nothin’ on Mitt!
O beautiful for spacious skies,
For amber waves of grain,
For purple mountain majesties
Above the fruited plain!
God shed his grace on thee
And crown thy good with brotherhood
From sea to shining sea!
Speaking of shining seas…
He loves the ocean.
“I love the ocean, too,” he said. “I do love the ocean.” But most of all when he’s in his beloved Taxachusetts. If you got ocean in your yard and a yacht in your dock, say heck yeah! Eastern seaboard, what, what!
He loves water.
“I love water,” he said. For drinking, bathing, swimming, and, of course, posthumously baptizing dead Jews and secretly converting them to Mormonism. You know, normal stuff.
Mitt for America! He just feels right! After all, Americans do have a weakness for white, starchy, artificial things high on taste, but devoid of all substance.
[images via Shutterstock]