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Fox News Gets Serious About Being Stupid

As the sole beacon of light and truth in today’s dreadful world of health care reform death squads and due process of the law for terrorists, Fox prides itself on bringing fair and balanced news to all the people who make up the bestest, most awesomest nation on God’s green Earth, America.

The good folks of the mighty U.S. of A depend on Fox News to keep them up to date on all that’s happening around the nation and globe like which horrible world leader Obama bowed to now and how much time is left before the USA officially becomes Soviet Russia, sans the vodka and Kalashnikovs, that is.

Which means the constant fuck-ups, intentional lies, and blatant disregard for facts that we’ve come to love and expect from our favoritest Fox, will apparently no longer be tolerated. Terrible, I know!

After yet another week of embarrassing mistakes followed by awkward apologies, the big wigs in charge decided it would no longer be acceptable to doctor photos, make up news stories, or commit the usual journalistic suicide and signature idiocies that have made Fox the classy standard for News networks throughout the world.

In fact, Fox News is so serious about this sudden attempt to gain credibility and abandon the whole laughingstock approach, that network executives sent an internal memo to employees announcing their new and hilarious “zero tolerance” policy for all on-screen errors and assorted other screw-ups.

The memo, sent last Friday, warns staffers that such brain lapses could lead to write-ups, suspensions and termination. “Please know that jobs are on the line here. I can not stress that enough.”

Subject: Quality Control

We had a mistake on Newsroom today when a wrong book cover went on screen during a guest segment, the kind of thing that can fall through the cracks on any day with any story given the large amount of elements and editorial we run through our broadcasts. Unfortunately, it is the latest in a series of mistakes on FNC in recent months. We have to all improve our performance in terms of ensuring error-free broadcasts. To that end, there was a meeting this afternoon between senior managers and the folks who run the daytime shows in which expectations were reviewed, and the following results were announced: Effective immediately, there is zero tolerance for on-screen errors. Mistakes by any member of the show team that end up on air may result in immediate disciplinary action against those who played significant roles in the “mistake chain,” and those who supervise them. That may include warning letters to personnel files, suspensions, and other possible actions up to and including termination, and this will all obviously play a role in performance reviews. So we now face a great opportunity to review and improve on our workflow and quality control efforts. To share a key quote from today’s meeting: “It is more important to get it right, than it is to get it on.” We may then build up again slowly as deadlines and workloads allow so that we can be sure we can quality check everything before it makes air, and we never having to explain, retract, qualify or apologize again. Please know that jobs are on the line here. I can not stress that enough. I will review again during our Monday editorial meeting, and in the days and weeks ahead. This experience should make us stronger editorially, and I encourage everyone to invest themselves one hundred and ten percent in this effort.

What?? Fox News suddenly cares more about facts than ratings? This is an outrage! I mean by these standards, there will be no one left in the entire Fox organization!

And then where will America go for the pure comic relief that comes with watching a grown man sob hysterically about the glory days when war was cool, torture was synonymous with patriotism, 60+63+70 still equaled 100, and the only time you apologized was if your dumb face accidentally got in the way of Dick Cheney’s bullets.

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