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$arah Palin Knows, Yes We Can, Spill Baby Spill!


National oil whore $arah Palin knows a thing or two about spillin’ baby spillin’ barrels of delicious petroleum up ‘n down America’s southern coast, because one time back in 1989, when Exxon Valdez was drillin’ baby drillin’ all over Prince William Sound, the exact same thing happened to her wonderful Alaska, for Pete’s sake!

And like all this fish and other awesome Alaskan treasures got covered in layers of luxurious oil, and it was like a big, warm slippery bath, except everything came out dead, not clean, in the end.

So, like oops!

But Sarah totally knows how y’all feel, what with your once-thriving beaches and lush deltas being devastated by thick, toxic ooze, which in the dense, marshy wetlands of Louisiana and Florida, is like a zillion times worse than when these “things” happen off the frozen, jagged coast of Antarctica Alaska or whatever. And even then, everything is still screwed up for at least a generation!

Err, if you believe the elitist mainstream media that is, who sweet $arah knows are probably lying anyway:

The cord-grass marshes of south Louisiana are nurseries for baby shrimp, stalking grounds for blue crabs, and barriers that slow down waves before they bite off more of the mainland. On Friday, they were becoming defenseless sponges for sticky, dark oil. Scientists said the enormous slick had the potential to bring environmental ruin to this treasured coastline.

The oil is spilling out of the seafloor at 5,000 barrels a day — the equivalent of 210,000 gallons — maybe much more, from a well about 50 miles out in the Gulf of Mexico, and it could soon eclipse the volume of the infamous Exxon Valdez spill in 1989. That disaster spilled oil onto rocky Alaskan beaches, but it is at least possible to wash oil off a rock. In the Gulf, the oil is floating into wetlands that could hold on to its toxins for years.

One environmentalist said the scenario created “a potential mega-disaster.”

“The magnitude and the potential for ecological damage is probably more great than anything we’ve ever seen in the Gulf of Mexico,” said Nancy Rabalais, a scientist who heads the Louisiana Universities Marine Consortium, a research center in Cocodrie, La. “Once it hits the shoreline, it’ll get into everything.”

It’s wacky I know!

If she wasn’t so busy TweetBookin’ ’bout why America needs to drill here, drill now! she might even head down to the nice folk there, staring out at the massive, drifting fire ball now the size of New Hampshire to help out.

Because legend has it that when Sarah was just wee, wide-eyed, newly-eloped Wasilla gal, and that whole Exxon Valdez thing happened, the Barracuda headed down with a hockey stick and bag o’ cotton balls and cleaned the whole mess up herself, using the same hand she now writes notes on for her world-famous speeches.

“There’s a lot at risk here,” said Jane Lubchenco, who heads the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration. She noted that 40 percent of the coastal wetlands in the continental United States are in Louisiana. “Ninety-seven percent of commercial fish and shellfish in the Gulf depend on estuaries and wetlands during their life cycle,” she said.

“I’m going to be honest with you, it’s got a lot of people very fearful,” said Avery Bates of the Organized Seafood Association of Alabama in Bayou la Batre. He said the slick was expected to hit their stretch of coastline Sunday.

“Petroleum and seafood,” Bates said, “do not go together.”

Much like oil company wind-up dolls advocatin’ reckless, dangerous policies they do not understand on social networking sites, in 140 characters or less.

But one thing Miss runner-up Alaska does know for sure, besides Jesus loves America bestest, is that “all industry efforts must be employed,” even if she isn’t.

Employed that is.

And sorry, makin’ stuff up as the newest flake on Faux News doesn’t count as an actual job.

6 comments to $arah Palin Knows, Yes We Can, Spill Baby Spill!

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