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And The Academy Award For Best Conservative Actor Goes To...Sen. John McCain!


On this wondrous night of a thousand stars, when the most important people on the face of the Earth grudgingly agree to drape millions of designer dollars on their ears, wrists, and necks, while making their fabulous red carpet stroll to show the rest of the uglies in the world how much more beautiful, rich, and important they are than common, non-Hollywood schlubs like you and me.

Yes, Ladies and Germs, it is once again the annual, most important night in the history of mankind when shining stars and luminous legends of the silver screen remind the world why they deserve to be worshiped and celebrated by all of humanity, during The Industry’s special gift to Earth, “The Academy Awards.”

That very special night of Hollywood Movie Magic, where it is an honor just to be nominated, except if you lose because your name is not Meryl. Then you suck and everyone hates you. Or if you win and your name is Sean Penn and everyone still hates you because you cause too much trouble with your crazy activism, and say terrible, scary political things like gays deserve equal rights and it’s nice to have an elegant black president, not an autistic white one, and assorted other liberal lies.

But with the glittering costumes, megawatt smiles, and all the lists and categories, titles and names, and best this and best that, it’s hard to keep tabs on whose soft, finely manicured hands got to feel the golden warmth emanating from their very own glimmering Oscar statuette, as an official Academy Award (TM) winner. Yay!

While Hollywood anxiously awaits whether this year’s coveted Best Picture Award will go to James Cameron’s “controversial,” $500 million, ten-hour mega-blockbuster about the blue man group from another planet, Avatar, just across the desert, and away from the bright lights of Hollywood, one politician is seeing red over being painted blue in a new online fundraising ad for Arizona’s hotly-contested Republican Senate primary.

Sen. John McCain, who you may remember for his supporting role as the senile, old guy next to Sarah Palin in last year’s presidential election, is once again outraged, this time over a new ad from his Republican opponent, former Rep. and current teabagger J.D. Hayworth, which mocks Gramps McCain by defacing his adorable mug with some sort of Avatar-ish blue warpaint and the words: “John McCain: Nominee for Best Conservative Actor” (Sorry, Ronnie!) in some sick, twisted, Academy Awards spin off.

Well, Johnny Mac and Co., do not find this Avatar abomination the least bit funny and are calling on Mr. Hayworth to immediately remove this offensive and insulting jab at one of America’s most highly decorated, highly respected (aka still alive) POWs, John S. McCain.

“Ads like this have no place in the Republican primary, and J.D. Hayworth should immediately take it down and apologize, ” Senate Minority Whip Jon Kyl (R-AZ) told the Arizona Republic.

McCain campaign manager Shiree Verdone also blasted Hayworth, saying, “Ex-Congressman J.D. Hayworth should immediately apologize and and take down his latest online ad, which is an outrageous offense to John McCain’s lifetime of honorable service to our state and nation, and insulting to Native Americans here in Arizona and across America.”

Waaaaaaay worse than pillaging their land, raping their women, and forcing the rest of the feathered-heads to run casinos with cool, native names like Cherokee, Creek Nation, and Chinook Winds, so the white man has something to actually do in the god-forsaken desert, like pull flashing levers and spin colored wheels for money!

“Mr. Hayworth is welcome to debate the challenges facing our state and nation, but this kind of character assassination has no place in the Republican Party, and Mr. Hayworth should ashamed of his campaign for running it.”

Naturally, being the rogue lover of tea (and freedom!) that he is, J.D. Hayworth agreed to alter the ad by putting McCain in “blueface”–more clearly making him look like a character out of “Avatar,” lest the blue stripes confuse people into thinking 1992’s “Last of the Mohicans” instead.

Responding to McCain’s repeated requests to remove the offensive ad, Hayworth spokesman Jason Rose said, “We respectfully decline the request and would encourage Senator McCain to get a sense of humor. After all, if Sunday’s show did have an award for best election year flip-flopping and transparent conservative conversion, the incumbent would surely win the Oscar.”

Lol. They don’t give the Oscar to old people! Gross. ‘Cept of course to that nice, old, white lady who agreed to be driven around all day by that sweet, colored fellow with the cute freckles and soothing voice, before he was too busy running around with that crazy Joker who flew over the cuckoos nest, acting like madmen, while trying to fulfill that darned bucket list of theirs.

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