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Well, well, that was faster than dumping an ex-wife in the cancer ward! Whining, bloated, real life Stay Puft Marshmallow Man and serial adultering sac of ethics violations Newt Gingrich has just been declared the Big Wiener of the South Carolina Confederate Republican primary. Hooray! Now all of America can experience the amphibeous-named, Tiffany bling-encrusted, white-capped mountain of sleaze that is Newton Leroy “Newt” Gingrich. Let’s just hope America has been drinking their açaí berry shakes and practicing their sun salutations because otherwise Newt will do to America what he’s done to everything else he’s ever loved: move on to the next younger, hotter CUNTry. Oops, Country, I mean Country!
So while the Big Newt, err, make that the Big News of the day is that a white, womanizing, racist asshole takes the bacon in the wonderful State where the Civil War started (crazy, I know!), those who don’t reside in The Palmetto State, or as it’s more commonly known, North Carolina’s redheaded stepchild, can still feel a part of the wingnut political process, thanks to the boldest, tackiest, NSFW-iest political gear to hit the market this election year. Perfect for the crazed Teabagging asshole in your life! Wear one to your next (and last!) job interview and let the whole world know which appendage Uncle Sam can suck, without having to say a word!
 And proudly wear your hate on your sleeve! Because if there’s one thing people who like terrible, offensive polticial t-shirts looooove it is hating immigrants. Not like your average, milky white, red freckled, O’Sullivan or O’Reilly from Dublin. Remember, “immigrants” is Republican for “Mexicans,” as is any other brown-skinned persons of broad latino descent born south of Brownsville, Texas.
The other general rule of thumb for people who purchase this type of political attire is a blind, albeit almost pathological hatred of President Barack Obama. This hate must be so strong that it bends the rules of logic, physics, grammar, the universe, and comparison-making. Obama is Hitler, Stalin, Mao Zedong, Che Guevera, Pol Pot, the Joker from Batman, Bill Cosby, Uncle Tom, King Kong, Godzilla, Aunt Jemima, every black stereotype ever (here’s looking at you Buckwheat!), a dork, dweeb, nerd, liar, elitist, secret Muslim Terrorist Socialist, and of course, a shit sandwich, as these t-shirts so tastefully prove. The best part? These tees come in a variety of exciting, PC colors like Sanchez Brown, Drunken Irish, Funeral Black, Blue Balls, Period Red, Pussy Pink, Blow White, and Bong Ash so you can you can look your best while being the worst!
 Ugh, you know what really grinds wingnuts’ gears? When gross smart people run the government! With their elitist knowledge and intelligence. It’s enough to make a person sick! What America needs isn’t more “community organizers” or hoity-toity “college graduates.” Hell no! What it needs is a bunch of toothless, drunk, heavily armed, high school dropouts to make America great again by expelling all the Messicans and gays while bombing the bejesus out of as many foreign, oil-rich Muslim countries as their GED brains can think of. Next stop, Arabia!
Nothing screams sexy like an angry, naked Mama Grizz mounting Nancy Pelosi from behind, locked in a full nelson, and forced to submit to a woman elected to a position for which she isn’t even running. Women’s Rights are so 2008! Sarah Palin/Horny Men 2012! You betcha!
¡Ay, caramba! This shirt ordering all illegals to SPEAK FUCKING ENGLISH is great except for the one tiny, little thing: the shirt is written in FUCKING ENGLISH! Though, extra bonus racist points for hot girl’s middle finger. The universal language for junior high school kids to let the whole world know they just don’t give a F*CK ’bout nothin! Except of course, poorly spoken, grammatically incorrect, AMERICAN JESUS ENGLISH.
Ummm, I don’t know about you, but Vanilla Ice threatening to rip my eyeballs out and have sex with my empty orbital sockets is enough to keep me from setting Old Glory ablaze anytime soon. Mission Accomplished!?
Oh, yeaaaaah! Every dad who purchases this badboy is pretty much guaranteeing that his daughter will eventually end up dating Mary Cheney. Or Chaz Bono. Or, God forbid, Marcus Bachmann! **Shudder**
So get your awesome wingnut tee today and let the whole world know, “Congress shall make no law abridging the freedom of speech” what happens when bad decision-making meets 40 ounces of malt liquor deep in the middle of Bumblefuck, USA, like oh, I don’t know, say, South Carolina.
Freedom’s a bitch, y’all!
New (Old) Flavor of the Month (white power chocolate mousse) Ron Paul is no stranger to controversy, thanks to his various racist, sexist and otherwise close-minded policies of limited government, even more limited brain power, and the freedom to be as selfish, asshole-ish, or basically Ron Paul-ish as humanly possible.
Like, say, the latest, greatest selection of newsletters allegedly penned by a certain Libertarian Jesus Ron Paul recently unearthed by the terrible, no-good liberal Jew run media, whose highlights, err lowlights, include:
- A segment called “Race War?” from the June 1990 issue of Political Report warns that a race war might be imminent due to “the victimization mentality created by the civil rights movement, where every black failure is a white crime. If there is indeed this sort of trouble ahead, it is just another reason why every honest American should be armed.”
- “Today, gangs of young blacks bust into a bank lobby firing rounds at the ceiling…We don’t think a child of 13 should be held as responsible as a man of 23. That’s true for most people, but black males age 13 who have been raised on the streets and who have joined criminal gangs are as big, strong, tough, scary and culpable as any adult, and should be treated as such” — a riff on bank robberies from the September 1992 issue of Survival Report.
- “Were there, as some people now say, two bombs that went off in the building? And might the government have the wrong man? Who doubts the possibility that the government – which lied about Waco and Ruby Ridge – may also be covering up true information and planting false information about the Oklahoma bombing?” — a conspiracy theory on the Oklahoma City bombing from the September 1996 Survival Report.
- “Any organization hated by the IRS and the Trilaterialist Time magazine has got to have something going for it!” — a defense of the Church of Scientology in the June 1991 issue of the Political Report.
- “AIDS can be transmitted through means other than sexual intercourse and blood transfusion, specifically saliva, tears, sweat, feces and urine” — from the March 1987 edition of the Investment Report. In the same document, the author also called for the repeal of “federal laws which force schools to accept students known to carry a fatal, communicable disease, and businesses to employ adult victims as ‘handicapped.’”
- “[Magic] Johnson may be a sports star, but he is dying because he violated moral laws” — from the December 1991 issue of Political Report.
- “[T]he criminal ‘Justice’ Department wants to force dentists to treat these Darth Vader types under the vicious Americans With Disabilities Act” — a proclamation that AIDS patients (“Darth Vader types”) should not be allowed to visit the dentist, in the November 1993 issue of the Political Report. The author also adds, “[W]e all have the right to discriminate, which is what freedom of association is all about, especially against killers.”
OMG, so true! You know what else is true? The freedom of Karma to turn you into a frail, pathetic, decrepit old weirdo so vile and hateful even his eyebrows scrammed the hell off his face.
Which is almost as a-PAUL-ling as the self-proclaimed most “frugal and serious deficit hawk in the race” charging taxpayers nearly $52,000 all so he could fly in style, specifically first-class style, during his freqent trips between Washington and his home district in Texas.
From the AP:
But Paul’s congressional travel conflicts with claims in campaign appearances that he’s the most frugal and serious deficit hawk in the race.
“The talk you hear in Washington is pure talk, because there is nobody suggesting, the other candidates are not talking about real cuts,” Paul said in a speech to supporters last week after his second-place finish in New Hampshire.
Now normally an elderly person who flies constantly with the means to fork over thousands of dollars to avoid being crammed into the steerage section of a commercial airliner is no big deal. More power to ‘em!
But for a man who never votes for any budget or major spending bill and seriously thinks it is better to let people starve, drown, burn, or die of cancer in the streets than add one bloody red cent to the big bad gubmint deficit, is what the rest of the civilized world calls the worst kind of spineless hypocrite.
Because the person who is outraged by, say, a $25k public arts grant and is always prattling on about how “every little bit counts” and “you have to start somewhere” should at the very least not be the same one who tosses around hard-earned taxpayer money for a few extra inches of leg room, a hot towel, and the ability to look down on the stupid POVS who can’t even afford to be on Ron’s side of the curtain divider.
Not to mention, all the perfectly good federal money wasted on silly, trivial things like state-supported air traffic control, subsized airports, and paved landing strips when Ron Paul should know better than anyone that the invisible hand of the free market will surely keep his plane in the air and guide it safely on its journey, using not GPS and computers but smoke signals and supply side economics.
Truth is, if Ron was really serious about the whole thing, he’d go the old fashioned way, pulled by oxen in a covered wagon through dangerous, uncharted terrain and winding backwoods, untainted by Uncle Sam’s coddling hand, but teeming with scurvy and dystentery just like the Good Lord and Ron Paul intended.
Screw Patrick Henry, thanks to Ron Paul, we can all take a deep breath and exclaim, “Give Me Liberty And Give Me Death!”
[image via AP]
ARRRRRGGGHHHHH! KILL IT! KILL IT WITH FIRE!!
As if crazed crypt keeper/Libertarian Jesus Ron Paul and his fantasy vision of a post-apocalyptic American wasteland of small government and even smaller minds wasn’t scary enough (umm, need I mention Rand?), the man who makes John McCain look young and stable by comparison went out and found himself the perfect foil to his own feeble, decrepit self: a real live freaking giant!
The preferred wingnut accompaniment to any second place victory speech, New Hampshire or elsewhere! Plus, what better way to return to the glorious gold standard and roving bands of toothless, heavily armed cannibals that is Ron Paul’s America than your own personal workhorse, extra large enforcer, skilled beanstalk climber, portable chair lift, and ready-made meal, in case of emergency, like say a Ron Paul presidency. Cause you know it’s not just muscle on those jumbo size bones!
So hooray for Ron Paul, who is either running for President of the United States or embarking on an epic journey to destroy a magic ring by throwing it in a volcano where it was forged.
Fee! Fie! Foe! Fum! Libs and poors are the worst kind of scum!
That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind for Ron Paul. See, anything really is possible! Except a Ron Paul victory, or, apparently, a Ron Paul supporter with normal human characteristics, be it limb size or empathy.
Ron Paul/Fezzik 2012!
[images via Buzz Feed]
After months of deep-throating various meats-on-sticks and confusing serial killer clowns (John Wayne Gacy) with lady-killer movie stars (John Wayne), America’s favorite blue-eyed basket case of the Midwest Michele Bachmann officially announced she is ending her presidential campaign to honor fellow faux grrrrrl power quitter extraordinaire Sarah Palin focus on her real job, crusading against cancer vaccines and reminding people what crazy looks like. (Approximately 5’2″ with brown hair and pouty lips).
*Sigh!* Poor hubby Marcus Bachmann will never get to be First Lady, after all!
National Journal reports the heart-breaking news:
Rep. Michele Bachmann is suspending her presidential campaign, said a senior Republican official with direct knowledge of the lawmaker’s plans.
The official, who spoke on condition of anonymity, said the Minnesota lawmaker, a favorite of the tea party wing of the party and a harsh critic of President Obama, realized after her sixth-place finish in Iowa’s caucuses that “there was no viable way forward.” By suspending her campaign, Bachmann is effectively dropping out.
Of course, Bachmann is already well-versed in this arena, having effectively dropped out of reality long ago.
But fear not, friends, because while Michele may be down, she’s certainly not out! As long as there are rural, racist, white folks to dupe, immigrants to scapegoat, gross gays to cure (or in her case, marry), a black man in the White House, and a country resembling the sinful 21st, not glorious 18th century, Michele Bachmann will always have a job to do!
“I look forward to the next chapter in God’s plan. He has one for each of us, you know,” she said at the press conference.
Hers, of course, includes wallowing in a loveless, sexless marriage to her husband, Marcus, who is not gay, so please stop asking, followed by what will likely be a lengthy stay in a white-washed, windowless room with padded walls.
Or, if all goes well, that other place lunatic Republican woman feel right at home: the Vice Presidential slot on the GOP ticket.
[image via Wonkette]
In what likely shattered dreams of a Merry Christmas for countless Americans from sea to shining sea, the Republican Party of Virginia announced that Newton Leroy “Newt” Gingrich was offically disqualified from the Virginia primary ballot because he was having too much fun running for president of dumb, meaningless teevee debates to be bothered to run for actual president of the United States and submit the 10,000 signatures that the state requires to qualify.
Umm, ooopsies?
Now, most people would probably attribute such a massive misstep to the obvious managerial ineptitude and organizational failure, but then again most people are not Newt Gingrich, and don’t have a delusional sense of self-worth nor an ego the size of their own impossibly thick, dense head.
No, no, the much more likely explanation is that Virginia, like Japan before it, had decided to pull a Pearl Harbor on Newt by kamikaze bombing his campaign not letting him on the ballot for fascism for not following the rules like every other semi-competent candidate.
Newtclear Meltdown In Virginia: A Gaffe That Will Live In Infamy!
From The Hill:
“Newt and I agreed that the analogy is December 1941,” campaign director Michael Krull wrote on the Gingrich Facebook page. “We have experienced an unexpected set-back, but we will re-group and re-focus with increased determination, commitment and positive action. Throughout the next months there will be ups and downs; there will be successes and failures; there will be easy victories and difficult days – but in the end we will stand victorious.”
If you mean victorious in presiding over, quite possibly, the most bumbling, asinine, idiotic, disastrous presidential campaign in recent memory, then congratulations, Newt, you win!
You always did have a knock for bombing!
But don’t feel too bad, Newty! Michele Bachmann, Rick Perry, and Rick Santorum all also proved too inept to hand in enough signatures on time, so you’re not the only one prohibited from gracing Virginia’s pristine ballot boxes.
After all, Virginia is for lovers, not fatass, adulterous losers.
An honest mistake. Unlike Newt! Errr, at least the honest part.
[image via WeaselZippers]
Holy Twit! Another day, another University of Texas Austin College Republicans President tweets something terrible and racist about President Obama, 4 like fun ‘n stuff! Hooray!!
The wonderfully enlightened prose (for trailer trash in Amarillo) comes from the second University of Texas College Republicans President in as many months, talented poet-to-be, Cassie Wright. The first one, Lauren Pierce, was a gifted scholar of that other hilarious, popular genre of Republican poetry known as Obama “assassination jokes.”
So the current President, Cassie Wright, not only decided to bless the nation with her brilliant observations, but also twatted out her momentary brain activity in adorable rhyme format! Maybe if the whole “college education” thing doesn’t work out, Cassie could become the next great author of racist children’s coloring books?
Although, to be fair, I’m pretty sure crack is not ever snorted, so Cassie should really consider hiring a fact checker before embarking on her next career as America’s premier distributor of offensive, ill-informed propaganda in 140 (rhyming) characters or less. Put that in your pipe and smoke it, biatch!
Of course, a wiz like Cassie knows Social Media isn’t just for tweeting dumb, racist nonsense about the President of the United States. Not at all! It’s also for racial stereotyping, Cassie’s (and apparently all College Republicans’) all-time favorite activity on Earth.
On Facebook recently, Wright wrote that it was a “messed up world” because she was studying in the library while “the Asian guy next to me is watching America’s Next Top Model episodes on his laptop.”
When a commenter asked what being Asian had to with it, Wright responded:
“Because Asians study a lot…If you’re offended by my use of a stereotype then gtfo [get the f*** out].”
Ah yes, tomorrow’s leaders.
My name is Cassie Wright, can you tell that I’m white?
I’ve got blonde hair and big tits, but no brain and even less wits. Holla
#everythingsdumberintexas #brasizeisbiggerthanIQ
Messed up world? GTFO!
No, seriously. The whole state. Please.
[image via Gawker]
Finally, a Christmas story we can all get behind!
It’s been awhile since one of America’s fabulous, self-loathing, Republican closet cases accidentally outed himself by getting caught in some secret gay sexytime scandal (we’re talking months here!), until a dandy Southern gent/failed Congressional candidate/wingnut mayor of Southaven, Mississippi by the name of Greg Davis forgot about a little thing called cash (and public records!) and decided to go on his wild, taxpayer-funded $170,000 shopping spree in booze, fancy meals, and gay sex shops in Canada using his very traceable, very public, city-issued credit card.
Ooopsies!
The sexytime freebies lasted until a bunch of lame, fun-hating auditors noticed there were, uh, five hundred pages of receipts for the mayor’s extracurricular activities and decided to have a look-see at his credit card expenditures. Uh Oh! Umm, yeah let’s try this again, meet Greg Davis, the formerly-closeted gay, formerly-employed former mayor who has never heard of cash or considered that purchasing frivolous fish dinners and frisky sex toys on the public dime is still a crime, albeit a slightly embarrassing one.
From the Commercial Appeal newspaper:
“At this point in my life and in my career, while I have tried to maintain separation between my personal and public life, it is obvious that this can no longer remain the case,” Davis said at his Southaven home. “While I have performed my job as mayor, in my opinion, as a very conservative, progressive individual [Ed note: Huh?] — and still continue to be a very conservative individual — I think that it is important that I discuss the struggles I have had over the last few years when I came to the realization that I am gay.”
Which pales in comparison to the struggles he’s had over the realization that he’s also a generous tipper, which breaks the GOP (Gay One Percenters’) cardinal rule of treating other people in the exact opposite way as you’d want to be treated yourself.
“[D]uring a dinner for legislators and attorneys at the Mint Restaurant in Ridgeland, Miss., Davis left a $1,000 tip on a $2,509.43 bill that included two bottles of Opus One wine for $415 each.”
OMG, so not only is Greg Davis a total homo, but he’s also doling out huge tips to the servers of his fancy meals, like some one-man bleeding-heart liberal secret welfare program for America’s beleaguered food service industry workers?
Ugh, what’s next, charity work for the poor or something gross like that?
The auditor’s office confirmed that Davis billed the city for the $67 purchase at Priape, which describes itself on its website as “Canada’s premiere gay lifestyle store and sex shop.”
As for the receipts, Davis, a Republican who ran unsuccessfully for Congress in 2008 on a conservative, family-values platform, said he couldn’t discuss specifics on the advice of his attorney.
And also because of the replica Ron Jeremy Dong in his mouth.
But don’t worry, Mr. Mayor. It gets better!
After all, prison couldn’t really be worse than Mississippi could it?
[image via AP]
Pop quiz: What does a failed, anti-gay, conservative Christian politician do two years after losing his 2009 campaign to become Alabama’s newest, craziest, wingnut governor?
If you guessed embark on a lesbian-impregnating rampage in New Zealand, despite his own homophobic past and without the knowledge of his two-time Mrs. America finalist wife, give yourself a round of applause, you’re right!
How does Bill Johnson, a crazed wingnut hack from ‘Bama, go from preaching about the hot, erotic evils of homosinuality in America’s Deep South to masturbating into a cup for lesbians 7,982 miles away in the Deep South Pacific?
Funny story!
A conservative Christian politician has a secret life as a sperm donor for lesbian couples – even though he has campaigned against gay marriage.
American politician Bill Johnson has spent most of this year in Christchurch helping run the earthquake recovery, all the while using the online persona “chchbill” to meet women who want help to get pregnant.
Under that persona, he has discussed making donations to at least nine women without the knowledge of his family in the US.
Three of the women are now pregnant, and Johnson has assisted another three with donations in the past month. It is believed he has been in communication with at least another three women to discuss sperm donation.
His actions as a sperm donor sparked concern in the fertility medicine community, whose guidelines recommend donations are made in the regulated environment of a fertility clinic, and that no man provide sperm donations to more than four families.
Then again, the guidelines also recommend staying away from sketchy, washed-up American political creeps and their anti-gay semen, but hell even Jesus couldn’t resist a li’l hot lady-on-lady action, amiright?
But how did the intrepid newspaper reporters discover that freaky Alabama secret sperminator Bill Johnson was generously donating his potent man juice to all these lezzy ladies, despite campaigning against the very sinful same-sex family he’s apparently now hell-bent on creating?
The Herald on Sunday approached Johnson on Thursday at a restaurant in Christchurch [New Zealand] where he had just finished dining with one of the women he had successfully impregnated.
He said the urge to become a biological father was “a need that I have.”
Don’t you people get it? It wasn’t a choice, it was a need! Like breathing or beating off into a Dixie cup. Ya know, normal stuff.
“Reproduction and having children is as basic a human need as eating,” he told the Herald.
Okay, that too!
His wife, Kathy Johnson, on the other hand (no pun intended!), said the revelations were “the utmost of betrayal.”
“This is a really, really difficult time for our family,” she said. “I’m still in disbelief and very hurt, and our family has a lot of healing to do.”
Oooh, is it sexual healing? Cause, if so, have I got the perfect guy for you!
“I am married to the most beautiful woman in the world. When I married her I knew we couldn’t have any more children. She had a hysterectomy 10 years ago,” he said. “There is nothing my wife would want to give me more in the world than a child of my own.”
Really?? Cause I was thinking more along the lines of divorce papers or a swift kick in the nuts.
But don’t worry not-even-almost-governor Bill Johnson! The people of Alabama still love you! After segregation and bestiality, masturbating into a cup is one of the state’s most cherished pastimes!
Roll Tide, y’all! Or should I say Stroke?
[image via NZ Herald]
Normal, sane folk who don’t convulse uncontrollably at the idea of actually making dare I say, progress in the treatment of fellow human beings, felt an overwhelming sense of pride as Barack Obama announced that the United States “would use all the tools of American diplomacy, including the potent enticement of foreign aid, to promote gay rights around the world.”
In a memorandum issued by the President Obama and in a speech by Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, the Obama administration vowed to “actively combat efforts by other nations that criminalize homosexual conduct, abuse gay men, lesbians, bisexuals or transgendered people, or ignore abuse against them.”
Whoa, whoa, whoa! OMG, since when do gross gay people count as actual human beings? Does Jesus know about this?
The New York Times apparently does.
“I am deeply concerned by the violence and discrimination targeting LGBT persons around the world whether it is passing laws that criminalize LGBT status, beating citizens simply for joining peaceful LGBT pride celebrations, or killing men, women, and children for their perceived sexual orientation,” Mr. Obama said in a presidential memorandum.
Ugh, fine, but throwing rocks at them is still cool, right?
“In many ways, they are an invisible minority,” Secretary of State Hillary Clinton said at the United Nations Human Rights Council in Geneva. “They are arrested, beaten, terrorized – even executed. Many are treated with contempt and violence by their fellow citizens while authorities empowered to protect them look the other way – or join in the abuse. Too often, they are denied opportunities to work and learn, driven from their homes and countries, and forced to suppress or deny who they are to protect themselves from harm.”
Oh, so they’re like Occupy protesters here?
After saying the United States’ own record on the issue is “far from perfect” and that there is still work to be done domestically, Clinton urged the international community to act despite the fact that opposition based on “deeply held personal, political, cultural, and religious beliefs” remains. “Being gay is not a Western invention. It is a human reality.”
Which I guess can be said about the Kardashians as well.
“In reality, gay people are born into — and belong to — every society in the world,” she said. In countries “where people are jailed, beaten or executed for being gay,” she called on leaders to leap ahead of their constituents cultural or social mores, if necessary.
Wait, so does that mean the whole stoning/beheading in a public square is a no go? Cause if so, Uganda’s gonna be pissed!
“I’m not saying that gay people can’t or don’t commit crimes,” she said. “They can and do, just like straight people. And when they do, they should be held accountable. But it should never be a crime to be gay.”
Unless say, they do the unthinkable like wear white after Labor Day or heavens forbid, fuchsia gingham shirts tucked neatly into tight white pants and secured by a turquoise ’80s belt to a White House Garden Party.
Other than that, the U.S. going on record as being uncool with gay-hating foreign governments, and not wanting people to be murdered, tortured or imprisoned for their sexuality is a pretty uncontroversial thing, unless…UNLESS you are a fading, desperate drunkard like Rick Perry, who will prove once and for all he is the #1 presidential candidate of straight Jesus and all HIS one man + one woman (+ semi automatic machine gun) glory.
Well there’s no way Slick Rick Perry’s just going to sit back and let them gays get any of those “special rights” to exist, which is why he issued this fiery statement:
“Just when you thought Barack Obama couldn’t get any more out of touch with America’s values, his administration wants to make foreign aid decisions based on gay rights.
“This administration’s war on traditional American values must stop.
“I have proposed a foreign aid budget that starts at zero. From that zero baseline, we will consider aid requests based solely on America’s national security interests. Promoting special rights for gays in foreign countries is not in America’s interests and not worth a dime of taxpayers’ money.
“But there is a troubling trend here beyond the national security nonsense inherent in this silly idea. This is just the most recent example of an administration at war with people of faith in this country. Investing tax dollars promoting a lifestyle many Americas of faith find so deeply objectionable is wrong.
“President Obama has again mistaken America’s tolerance for different lifestyles with an endorsement of those lifestyles. I will not make that mistake.”
Aww, hell no! Instead Rick Perry will make the mistake of thinking that the only people in the world are obese racist old white people who live in the American south, and equate the rights of gay people to paying income tax.
But, don’t worry Rick! Everyone knows no more Republicans will accidentally turn gay as a result of this new policy. That’s what Teletubbies, the Military, and Craigslist is for!
[image via AP/Wonkette]
Horny Godfather of grabassery Herman No He Cain’t has gone and done the unthinkable. No, no, not shove another unsuspecting woman’s head into his crotch or offer financial assistance to a dear “friend” by secretly putting his penis into her vagina at various hotels around the country. The other unthinkable thing, effectively ending his hilarious presidential campaign of one weird, humiliating gaffe and sexual harassment charge after another.
Oh, the Hermanity!
The New York Times reports on this unfolding tragedy:
An unapologetic and defiant Herman Cain suspended his presidential campaign on Saturday, pledging that he “would not go away” even as he abandoned hope of winning the Republican nomination in the face of escalating accusations of sexual misconduct.
“As of today, with a lot of prayer and soul searching, I am suspending my presidential campaign,” Mr. Cain said at a rally that was originally planned to be the grand opening of his national campaign headquarters in Atlanta. “Because of the continued distractions, the continued hurt caused on me and my family, not because we are not fighters. Not because I’m not a fighter.”
But because he’s a lover. And not just any lover, but a lover of creepy, unwanted sexual advances and crappy pizza stocked on gas station shelves.
He’s also a fighter. Especially when it involves facts of any kind. Particularly the kind that has nice round breasts and a full, come-hither mouth it can use to call the media and give all the juicy details about the lover-fighter that is Herman Cain.
“I am not going to be silenced and I am not going away,” he said with his wife Gloria at his side, vowing to continue to be “a voice for the people.”
Especially the ladies. Whether they like it or not.
“I am disappointed that it came to this point, that we had to make this decision,” Cain said. “These false and untrue allegations continue to be spinned in the media, and in the court of public opinion so as to create a cloud of doubt over me and this campaign and my family. That spin hurts. It hurts my wife. It hurts my family. It hurts me. And it hurts the American people, because you are being denied solutions to our problems.”
Like the irresistibly sweet, black walnutty taste of Herman’s Candy Cain?
“So one of declarations I want to make to you today is that I am at peace with my God. I am at peace with my wife, and she is at peace with me. And I am at peace with my family and at peace with myself,” Cain said.
And with whatever hot piece of ass he befriends to help with her finances next.
Cain did, however, vow to keep fighting for his unique brand of conservatism (the crazy kind?) through his awesome new website, thecainsolution.com: 9-9-9 The Movie: Slaying the Tax Monster.
Likely followed by its sequel thecaindissolution.com: 9-9-9 The Divorce: Resurrecting The Pants Monster.
Looks like America will just have to grope its way back to prosperity, without the helping hand of Herman Cain, Godfather of Love.
Although, on the bright side, at least he gets to spend more time with his families.
[image via New York Times]
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Democralypse Now is an equal-opportunity satirist exposing stupidity in government and politics, one hilariously scathing post at a time. Like Stephen Colbert, only hotter.
