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I’m sure by now you’ve heard about that crazy guy James Lee who was maybe strapped with a bomb, but most definitely armed with a gun when he stormed the Discovery Channel(!?) headquarters in Maryland and took three people hostage before being shot and killed by police, who rescued the baffled, frightened Discovery employees, suddenly at the mercy of a deranged Ecoterrorist(?) with a weird, obsession-y death wish for the notorious, n’er do well network, Discovery!
Ummm, I mean they did give Sarah Palin her own reality show, so okay? But then it starts getting really weird…
Apparently, the dude’s demented grievance against the Discovery channel began back in 2008, when he was arrested for disorderly conduct for oh, just your average, ho-hum incident involving “hiring homeless people” to join comprise his protest and hold signs, with cash bonuses awarded to the loudest, most protestin’ son-of-gun in the bunch, while “throwing thousands of dollars into the air” all to show his seething hatred of a nature show network, whose apocalyptic programming includes Planet Earth, Man vs. Wild, kid and family friendly “Shark Week,” and the Search For The Ultimate Cheeseburger, must be permanently silenced!
Or else!?!?
Well, I guess when your entire life’s philosophy is based on a fictional book about a telepathic ape who teams with a 12-year-old girl to save the planet, called “My Ishmael,” tossing crumpled Benjamins in the air, while homeless people run around chasing it, does seem like an effective way of getting your point across, like how “Money is trash and means nothing.” And also that you’re one crazy Asian motherf**ker!
So why exactly was James Lee locked in his own ongoing, bizarre, personal one-on-one war with the freakin’ Discovery Channel of all places? Hello, I mean have you ever heard of MTV Networks? Snooki? Surely, that orange dwarf is as toxic to Mother Earth as the live, televised birth of sextuplets, no?
Apparently not to Mr. James Lee, who compiled a hilarious list of demands and beliefs that Discovery Channel “MUST broadcast to the world and do IMMEDIATELY”…or suffer the consequences!
“The Discovery Channel and it’s affiliate channels MUST have daily television programs at prime time slots based on Daniel Quinn’s “My Ishmael” pages 207-212 where solutions to save the planet would be done in the same way as the Industrial Revolution was done, by people building on each other’s inventive ideas. Focus must be given on how people can live WITHOUT giving birth to more filthy human children since those new additions continue pollution and are pollution.”
“Programs must be developed to find solutions to stopping ALL immigration pollution and the anchor baby filth that follows that.”
Whoa, whoa, wait!! Fox News attacked the Discovery Channel?? Oh, oops, my bad, saw “anchor baby filth,” and made the obvious leap.
“Humans are the most destructive, filthy, pollutive creatures around and are wrecking what’s left of the planet with their false morals and breeding culture.”
Oh, what now a person can’t ‘Gym Tan Laundry’ without some crazy, self hating, greenpeacy Asian eco-terrorist all up in their grills, screaming about how “The Situation” isn’t some Jersey guido’s rock hard abs, but rather the coming Armageddon if Discovery Channel doesn’t shape up, stop airing mammalian procreation, and start killing anchor babies instead!
“For every human born, ACRES of wildlife forests must be turned into farmland in order to feed that new addition over the course of 60 to 100 YEARS of that new human’s lifespan! THIS IS AT THE EXPENSE OF THE FOREST CREATURES!!!!”
OMG, not the elves, gnomes and other whimsical li’l creatures of the enchanted woods and also of fantasy children books by J.R.R Tolkien. Please, please not the unicorns and dragons, anything but them!
“Saving the Planet means…decreasing the Human population. That means stopping the human race from breeding any more disgusting human babies!”
Hear that Bristol?? For God’s sake, wrap some rubber around Levi’s man muscle for once! The Human race depends on it!
“Also, war must be halted. Not because it’s morally wrong, but because of the catastrophic environmental damage modern weapons cause to other creatures.”
Ooooh right, of course!
“FIND SOLUTIONS JUST LIKE THE BOOK SAYS! Humans are supposed to be inventive. INVENT, DAMN YOU!!”
GOT IT, you worthless, greenhouse-gas emitting, polar-bear killing, carbon-based balls of sentient smut? Come up with something to save dear Mother Earth from gross human infestation right this second, you lazy, good-for-nothin’ freeloaders!
“The humans?” HAHAHAHA, “The planet does not need humans!”
“Nothing is more important” than saving animals: “The Lions, Tigers, Giraffes, Elephants, Froggies, Turtles, Apes, Raccoons, Beetles, Ants, Sharks, Bears, and, of course, the Squirrels.”
Excuse me, but I think you forgot Cows, Piggies, Goats, Mosquitoes, Hedgehogs, Whales, Roaches, Rabbits, Horsies, Zebras, and Doggies!
Oh, and also according to his MySpace page, when not harassing cable TV channels focusing on popular science, technology, and history to save Kermit the “Froggy,” Lee “listens to 70′s and some 80′s music. I also like a lot of Spanish music,” he adds.
Naturally, while this man was sticking his weapons (and possibly explosives) in innocent hostages’ faces, the lamestream media did what anyone in their right mind would do when some psycho criminal and/or terrorist storms a Cable TV headquarters to threaten employees at gun point: argue about whether this armed madman is really A DERANGED ANCHOR-BABY WINGNUT CONSERVATIVE or AN EVIL AL GORE ENVIRONMENTALIST LIBERAL??
According to the elitist arugula-eating Left:
Lee’s immigration screed bears a troubling resemblance to views and policies espoused by anti-immigrant groups such as NumbersUSA, the Center for Immigration Studies (CIS), the Federation for American Immigration Reform (FAIR), and others…
It’s not a coincidence that many of these are amongst the same groups that have always supported changing the 14th amendment to deny “anchor babies,” or the American-born children of undocumented immigrants, citizenship — long before the debate entered the political mainstream this summer.
Whoa, whoa, not so fast says the gun lovin’, gay hatin’, Jeebus worshipers on the Right:
Lee said he experienced an “awakening” when he watched former Vice President Al Gore’s environmental documentary “An Inconvenient Truth.”
Apparently, the man is named James Lee, an environmental activist and longtime antagonist of the Discovery Channel over their lack “of real shows that actually work to save the planet.”
So, who’s really to blame for all this tragic-if-it-weren’t-so-comical absurdity?
The Squirrels, of course!
In collusion with dirty anchor babies and probably that filthy Al Gore too!
If you thought being a black man in America was hard, try being a black president in America and let me know how that feels. You can’t even begin to imagine the kind of nonsense the dude has to go through every single f-ing day, and that’s not even including Orange Boehners in Congress, BP spillin’ baby spillin’ oil every which way, Bush’s final “F You” to America (in the form of no jobs and no money), a war on terror in Afghanistan, a war on brown colored Mexican-y looking people in Arizona, a war on gross Muslims near Ground Zero and everywhere else within a million square miles, and all the bajillion other terrible things threatening to destroy our country now. (Fox News? A Republican majority?)
Just look at what the citizens of the bestest, most amazingest, God & freedom-lovingest nation ever to grace the face of the Earth think about that weird, dark man with the funny name now.
Eighteen percent of Americans think Barack Hussein Obama is a Muslim. Twenty-seven percent believe he “probably” or “definitely” wasn’t born in the good ol’ US of A, but somewhere far, far away like Kendonesia or something, and still Obama doesn’t feel the slightest bit compelled to prove he is in fact a dumb, white Christian born in the middle of an Iowan cornfield like the rest of the Birther nation, who are not at all racist, just naturally suspicious of this black Hussein fellow claiming to be president.
While in New Orleans to commemorate something about Bush hating black people so much he drowned an entire city, President Barack Hussein Obama had the pleasure of sitting down with mainstream media extraordinaire Brian Williams to discuss what is really important (certainly not some dumb French city!) like whether it’s true what everyone’s saying, how he is really a secret Muslim terrorist Kenyan, etc?
Obama took a deep breath to gather his thoughts when asked if the poll reflected his inability to communicate with voters, “The facts are the facts. We went through some of this during the campaign — there is a mechanism, a network of misinformation that in a new media era can get churned out there constantly,” said a visibly annoyed Obama, referring to “birthers,” who have waged a guerrilla campaign questioning either the existence or the validity of his Hawaiian birth certificate.
“I will always put my money on the American people, and I’m not going to be worried too much about what rumors are floating around there.”
But what about the poll numbers, Barry! Brian wants to know why so many people don’t know what he really is, like does he go to an actual Jesus Church? Or is he really a radical Muslim or Socialist Pagan Demoncrat like the polls say? And doesn’t that make El Presidente nervous?
“I can’t spend all of my time with my birth certificate plastered on my forehead.”
And why may I ask is that? Because it doesn’t exist?? Hmmm, is that it, Barry Soetero? Were you even born at all, or hatched from some primordial egg down in your real birth place in the SEVENTH CIRCLE OF HELL?
What other, terrible un-American, meany things did alleged president “Barack Hussein Obama” have to say during this sweet, sit down chit-chat with actual elitist, arugula-eating news person Brian Williams?
What?? He didn’t watch Fox News superstar and maybe-going-blind gold-coin salesman Glenn Lee Beck’s “Restoring Honor” rally to reclaim Martin Luther King’s dream for freedom and a re-segregated America?
Haha, L-O-S-E-R!
What, were you too busy frolicking on Martha’s Vineyard and “being focused on the long term, not on the Nightly News” to watch American legends Glenn Beck & Sarah Palin take back America with their loyal militia of obese people motorin’ around on medicare scooters and mutterin’ bout taxes, immigrants, and how the big bad gubmint’s comin’ for their guns?
“It’s not surprising that someone like a Mr. Beck is able to stir up a certain portion of [the American people]…That’s been true throughout our history.”
No duh! Why else would they be dressed in colonial costumes, waving Teabags around if they weren’t fighting for the freedom to ignore the Constitution, if it means dirty A-rabs are allowed to build houses of worship (aka mosques, gasp!) in this country too?
No terror temples in their backyards, just mega churches and good, old fashioned American traditions like Koran burning bonfires and hate rallies!
Too bad Obama won’t just mindlessly discriminate against Muslims and abandon the Constitution whenever dumb white mobs would like him to! He even thinks the ‘slims should be able to build a dreaded mosque and community center near the sacred ground of an abandoned, old Burlington Coat Factory, and he’s not even wilting in the face of criticism!
“I didn’t walk it back it all,” he said. “I was very specific with my team…The core value and principle that every American is treated the same doesn’t change. … At [a White House Ramadan celebration], I had Muslim Americans who had been in uniform fighting in Iraq. … How can you say to them that their religious faith is less worthy of respect? … That’s something that I feel very strongly about.”
You are only allowed to tell gross gay and lesbians they are less worthy of respect and unfit for military service, which is reserved for respectable people like convicted felons, drug pushers, and sex offenders only.
He added, “I respect the feelings on the other side.”
Ugh, of course you do, Mr. let’s all join hands and sing Kumbaya while swaying gently in the breeze. So by all means, feel free to hate haters! And if you want an effigy of his likeness, I’m sure the White House would be more than happy to provide it!
But if it’s not it his suspicious Africany origins, his penchant for protecting stupid First Amendments like the freedom to be a terrible, terrorist Muslim, his ability to handle Gulf disasters without thousands of casualties and the submerging of an entire city (just some dead wildlife and a destroyed ecosystem nbd), or his uncanny tendency to stay cool, calm, and collected in the face of widespread idiocy, Sarah Palin’s tweets, and reliving Dr. King’s dream of equality with white supremacy rallies led by a fat white clown with delusions of divinity, just what, oh what, has the Grand Old Patriots all hot ‘n bothered about this swarthy man who may or may not be Hitler, the Antichrist, and a Komodo Dragon with good oratory skills all rolled into one?
Oh, so that explains it!
Hark, ye caffeinated patriots of the revolution! Rise up, err, or umm remain seated, ye lardbottoms on your ridiculous scooters, paid for by NObama’s Socialist Medicare, so you can stay politically active while remaining aerobically inactive, like true freedom fighters fulfilling MLK’s dream of equality and saturated-fat clogged arteries.
Woohoo!
On this most historic, miraculous God & Glenn-blessed event in the history of the United States of America, when loyal patriots of fast food chains and freeDUMB come scooting, limping, and waddling from sea to shining sea to fill the nation’s capital with liberty and justice for all…intellectually barren and/or physically immobile bigots. Hooray!
But just what is Glenn Beck’s rally really all about, other than restoring honor in the form of oversized, sequined Dr. Seuss hats??
By the looks of it, America seems to be a proud nation of obese white men and women who’ve either been religiously (CHRISTIAN, we hope) applying 75 SPF sunblock or been living in the parts of the nation that do not receive direct sunlight, such as underground bunkers or perhaps one of Dick Cheney’s various fallout shelters scattered beneath the Earth’s crust. Yes sir-ee, this fine crew looks ready to help their weeping prophet Glenn Beck “Restore Honor” by confirming every ugly stereotype about a ruined nation filled with dumb white trash waving Chinese-made American flags and lugging industrial-size coolers filled with corn syrup and lard.
But how else will God’s golden-haired messenger Glenn Lee Beck and lipstick wearing legend of the Snowy North go about fixin’ America, and saving this once-glorious nation, now that’s its been overrun by elitist communists of many colors, not just pure snow Jesus white?
Perhaps by gathering the nation’s elderly, plopping them in lawn chairs, and witnessing the picturesque vision of our nation’s Soviet Capitol teeming with beautiful wheelchair and scooter-bound heroes dressed up like our founding fathers and proudly waving banners that reflect true American values like “Buy Gold!” “No Buttsecks…Or Health Care For Poors!” “My Body, Your Choice,” and “Got Tea?”
How about hanging some Nuremberg-style banners (with a hopey-changey NObama-y theme??) along with some homemade posters with childish caricatures of the Lincoln Memorial, to block that hideous actual Lincoln Memorial, lest it distract from the radiant beauty of Glenn Beck or any other pale, pudgy patriots channeling God’s divinity and the dreams of historic black civil rights leaders by turning them into actual nightmares.
Or perhaps just the terrifying hallucinations of a syphilitic brain??
I Went To Glenn Beck’s Rally, All I Got Was This Stupid T-Shirt
Uh oh, looks like all of this man’s racist shirts that actually make sense were at the dry cleaners. Oh, and for the record, it’s “Mauritania,” dipshit.
Speaking of…
The New New Colossus
Oh Lady Lad of Liberty:
“Give me your tired, your poor (hygiene included?), Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free (of respirators!), The wretched refuse of your teeming shore (check!). Send these, the homeless, tempest-tost to me, I lift my lamp beside the golden door!”
Or Dr. Glenn Lee Beck’s “Honor Restored” version:
“Give me your ignorant, your stupid, Your huddled fatsos yearning to buy Bacon double cheeseburgers & The Overton Window. Send these, the homeless (or trailer park dwellers), Texas-toast to me, I lift (with arthritic arms) my zippo beside the gold-plated coin!“
Open Wide…
Well, well now isn’t this just rich. Fabulous, really!
Weird, self-loathing closet case, former Republican National Committee chair, George Bush’s 2004 campaign manager, and pretty much the policy equivalent of the AIDS virus on the LGBT community, Ken Mehlman has ever so graciously decided to spare the American people the suspense and come out on his own now that he’s no longer just a spry, sexually confused teenager of 43.
Of course, rumors about Ken’s TOTAL GAYNESS have been swirling around since like forever, but certainly since he was outed as part of Mike Rogers’ campaign to rid the political world of hypocritical homos who cynically convince fat slobs around the country to turn off the boob tube, wipe off the drool, change out of their pajamas, get off the couch and go vote Republican, to stop the evil gay scourge from spreading its perfectly manicured paws all over America’s altars and homes.
But there’s something particularly unforgivable about being the closeted leader of the most virulently anti-gay presidential campaign in history, which gave us four more years of queer-bashing, rights trampling, fiercely hetero cowboys appropriately named Bush and Dick, before kindly deciding to come out as an actual terrible gay himself, long after the damage was done and the lux drapes already picked out on his pricey $3.77 million NY pad, while his fellow gays and lesbians lost the right to marry in almost 40 states.
“It’s taken me 43 years to get comfortable with this part of my life,” Mehlman said. “Everybody has their own path to travel, their own journey, and for me, over the past few months, I’ve told my family, friends, former colleagues, and current colleagues, and they’ve been wonderful and supportive. The process has been something that’s made me a happier and better person. It’s something I wish I had done years ago.”
Awww, Kenny how positively sweet of you! I bet all those deviant gays and lezzies you’ve spent your entire political career marginalizing and dehumanizing wish you had too.
But, if you hadn’t been such a self-hating cowardly queer, how would you have made a gazillion dollars fighting the gay demons in your mind, all so you could buy a swanky, exquisitely decorated (we’d assume) “bachelor” pad in Chelsea to share with your umm, dear “friend,” who you would never have gross gay sex with because that is evil and wrong, and it is much better to be a real, live 43-year-old virgin than some gross fag who actually has normal sexual relations with humans.
Wanna know what else keeps Ken up at night? Other than hot, sweaty men with hefty bulges in their tight pants haunting his dreams…
Why The Gays never joined forces with the ignorant Muslim bashers in the Republican party, ya know, as sort of a deflect-hate-toward-a-different-oppressed-minority-to-help-my-own-ass-strategy:
He often wondered why gay voters never formed common cause with Republican opponents of Islamic jihad, which he called “the greatest anti-gay force in the world right now.”
OMG like totes, so true!
Why didn’t the gays team up with a bunch of racist, white Muslim haters and go bomb A-rabs in faraway desert countries cause surely that would help bring the plight of the gay and lesbian community to light here in America, right? Nothing says true equality like smart-bombing some Saudis (or stabbing NY cabbies) to show them jihadists we don’t take too kindly too other religions persecuting our gays when we are already quite capable of doing that all by ourselves, thank you very much.
Plus, now that Mehlman’s leadership in the GOP is no more, the jihadists have a clear route right to the top of the ol’ persecution ladder. C’mon, who’s with me?
So, welcome to gayness, Ken! Sure, nobody is going to have sex with your vile, principle-less ass, but don’t let it bring you down, because they probably weren’t having sex with you before, either.
Of course, Mehlman now acknowledges that if he hadn’t been such a god damn pussy, and publicly declared his sexuality sooner, he might have played a role in keeping the party from pushing an anti-gay agenda.
Ooopsy-daisy!
Oooh, looks like someone’s a serious contender for this year’s courage and bravery award!
“It’s a legitimate question and one I understand,” Mehlman said. “I can’t change the fact that I wasn’t in this place personally when I was in politics, and I genuinely regret that. It was very hard, personally.” He asks of those who doubt his sincerity: “If they can’t offer support, at least offer understanding.”
Yes, America. Please understand that I, Kenneth Brian Mehlman, am a hypocritical weasel who would sell his own son (wait, that would require doing that weird “sex” thing). Okay, would sell his own mother if it helped make him even richer or more effective in his glorious career bashing the very community he now asks forgiveness & acceptance from, disenfranchised and thoroughly separate but unequal.
“What I do regret, and think a lot about, is that one of the things I talked a lot about in politics was how I tried to expand the party into neighborhoods where the message wasn’t always heard. I didn’t do this in the gay community at all.”
He “really wished” he had come to terms with his sexual orientation earlier, “so I could have worked against [the Federal Marriage Amendment]” and “reached out to the gay community in the way I reached out to African Americans.”
Well, hopefully, not in the exact same way, but fine, whatever you say. Then, after you got that down, you could reach out to all the Jewish Klansmen, Black White Supremacists, pro-life Feminists, male prostitute-renting Family Research Council co-founders, dumb, broke-ass Teabaggers, and the rest of the creepy self-haters you seem to understand so well.
Also, he should probably be punched on live television by Ellen DeGeneres and Portia de Rossi, and maybe one of the token gays on Queer Eye for the Straight Guy or Desperate Househubbies of San Francisco or whatever the hell shows the gays watch obsessively, in groups, while squealing, especially since Mehlman is still giving money to anti-gay candidates, who hate him.
Hooray!
What someone needs to do is reach their arms around Ken’s skinny little neck and b*tch slap this a-hole across the face, shouting “I don’t care if you’re celibate and never got laid in your life, you’re still a no-good money whore who works both sides of the street, who has less integrity in your entire body than freakin’ RuPaul has in his/her pinky finger, you no-good, immoral, conscience-lacking, sack of self-hating waste.
“I wish I was where I am today 20 years ago. The process of not being able to say who I am in public life was very difficult. No one else knew this except me. My family didn’t know. My friends didn’t know. Anyone who watched me knew I was a guy who was clearly uncomfortable with the topic.”
Oh, we feel just awful for you! How terribly difficult it must have been to launch a national crusade against your own hideous kind, all while having to answer squeamish, uncomfortable questions about your own secret homosinuality, or shall I say, virginuality. Because being an actual asexual freak is certainly better than a disgusting, hell-bound fag, now isn’t it?
“What I will try to do is to persuade people, when I have conversations with them, that it is consistent with our party’s philosophy, whether it’s the principle of individual freedom, or limited government, or encouraging adults who love each other and who want to make a lifelong commitment to each other to get married.”
“I hope that we, as a party, would welcome gay and lesbian supporters. I also think there needs to be, in the gay community, robust and bipartisan support [for] marriage rights.”
Which is why I have spent the better part of my adult life working against the very right of gay and lesbians to be able to do the things on which I now speak.
So, just how can Roy Cohn’s torch carrier, Ken Mehlman, redeem himself for being an actual Judas, all these beautiful, closeted years?
Hmmm, let’s see. He can start by saying how deeply sorry he is for being the architect of the 2004 Bush reelection campaign, how he’s terribly ashamed of his role in developing strategy that resulted in George W. Bush threatening to veto ENDA or any bill containing hate crimes laws. How is he is truly sorry for helping push two divisive, discriminatory Federal Marriage Amendments (banning gross gays like him from the altar) as political leverage, and of course for developing the 72-hour strategy, using homophobic churches to become political arms of the GOP before Election Day.
Oh yeah, and he can also beg forgiveness for all those state marriage amendments banning the hideous union of homosexuals, because if there is one thing God cannot stand it is the blessed matrimony of two people with the wrong penis-to-vagina ratios.
I’m sure there’s a joke somewhere in this story about how, after eight years hanging out with Dick and Bush, Ken finally figured out which one he preferred…And it rhymes with prick!
That said, based on historic patterns of Grand Old Pretenders, I can’t wait for Newt Gingrich to finally admit he is indeed a secret, slimy Muslim-practicing amphibious swamp creature, and Sarah Palin finally comes clean, and lets the whole world know she is, in fact, a Kodiak Bear, who occasionally eats her young, scavenges off the fetid remains of human garbage, and whose level of intelligence hovers somewhere between that of an average canine and a primate. Though, in SarBear’s case, ‘average canine’ is closer to a special-needs mutt.
Let’s call him Ken!
Congratulations America! All your hard work, tireless efforts, and Cindy McCain’s beer money have finally paid off because John McCain, THE John McCain, has officially defeated certified nutjob and
world-famous infomercial star J.D. Hayworth to win Arizona’s Senate seat and return once again to Washington, DC to give the nation another six years (at least!) of good times and cheer watching a confused old man wander aimlessly, muttering to himself, through the hallowed halls of the U.S. Congress. Which sure beats doing the same thing in the hot, scary, Mexican-filled desert of his native land, Arizona!
So now that John McCain will officially never be voted out of office, because, much like their favorite ancient Senator and living fossil Gramps McCain, Arizona Republicans are also too old, confused, and ignorant to know what’s going on, ever, the whole nation (‘cept the Mexis!) can breathe a collective sigh of relief.
Three cheers for the pretend maverick! WOOHOO! Score one for America!
And to think, all he had to give up was the last, remaining specks of his integrity and legacy (Prisoner-of-War-turned-Prisoner-of Wingnuts?), while his long-suffering wife Cindy had to drop a cool $20 million just to finally get the old man back to DC, so she can go back to diddling the hunky pool boy like the good ol’ pill-addled days.
So now that John McCain is back where he should be (and out of the wifey’s way), let’s take a moment to reflect upon the countless morals lost and trust funds tapped on the long, strange desert odyssey to defeat a teetotalin’ lunatic on horseback initialed J.D. Hayworth and continue putting Country First by stowing his integrity in the ice box, along with SarBear, Cindy’s petty cash, and his sanity.
Of course, with sweet Cindy’s Budweiser-bought victory for Johnny, the only clear losers in the election were the people of Arizona, who had to endure a relentless barrage of sleazy ads from both sides, and as a result didn’t really care who won, so long as the audio/visual assaults stopped. I mean, even a thousand screeching Cindy’s, or salsa dancing Mexicans, would be a welcome respite from the god-awful ads these two cooked up!
Turnout at the polls was light for much of today for Arizona’s primary election, which will set the field for November races ranging from U.S. Senate to local constable.
As they turned out to cast ballots, many voters said they were turned off by relentless and negative campaign advertising, saying the mudslinging distracted the public from important issues like the economy and illegal immigration.
Totes! Ha ha, I mean like why isn’t anyone talking about illegal immigration in Arizona of all places, lately?? Perhaps they completed the danged fence or maybe Gov. GI Jan Brewer is simply too busy fighting National Socialist threats like her heroic Nazi-hunting father to bother?
But now that America can rest assured knowing its collective grandfather will be around for as long as his frustratingly hearty genes allow him to continue selling his soul for power, the political watchdogs over at Esquire have gone ahead and crunched the numbers to find just how much of John Cindy McCain’s beer fortune the old man blew to defeat an actual cartoon character and win Arizona’s GOP senate primary.
Turns out, it is indeed possible to put a very large and very comical price per vote on what it cost the McCains to eke out an unimpressive victory in the hot, abandoned drug ‘n Mexican-overrun wasteland known as Arizona.
So, with 56 percent of the vote (compared to J.D. Hayworth’s 32 percent), the ol’ maverHACK received approximately 281,347 votes. And considering the $21 million cost of his campaign, some simple elementary math reveals everyone’s favorite septuagenarian paid approximately $74.64 for each one of his unenthusiastic votes — $21 million ÷ 281,347 = $74.64.
Now, it’s no secret McCain has always paid a premium for every winning vote, but to put this desperation in proper perspective, McCain’s 1982 congressional campaign cost $13.54 per vote in inflation-adjusted dollars ($550,000 ÷ 89,116 votes = $13.54), while the 2008 presidential race only cost him $5.03 per lever pull ($293 million ÷ 58.3 million votes = $5.03), but then again Johnny did have the natural advantage of running against an actual colored person, in America, which ya know always helps.
Besides, at this rate the McCain/Budweiser fortune should be totally shot by the next couple o’ Senate races. Then, the grumpy old coot can finally go home, Cindy can again relapse into a Rx haze, and John McCain can return to starring in hilarious commercials wandering the vast Arizona desert searching for (white!) people to pay off in exchange for their vote.
But, if he were really smart, he would stop wasting his Cindy’s money. For the price of just one vote, McCain could have hired like three illegals because you don’t need a green card or English skills to know better than having a demented, old man wander the scary, illegal-filled wilderness of Arizona, alone and unarmed.
But, give the old man some credit. At least someone’s still pumping money into this limp, lifeless economy.
Even if it’s only to keep their own limp, lifeless carcass in the Senate, and out of some posh retirement community in Scottsdale. At Cindy’s insistence, of course.
Someone Get This Man A Hot Dog. For God’s Sake, I’d Say He’s Earned It!
Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.’s paler, pudgier (un)civil rights “brother” Glenn Lee Beck and his army of Teabaggers will be descending on Washington, DC this weekend to commemorate the anniversary of MLK’s famous “I Have a Dream” speech for whatever reason mobs of angry white men choose to honor the nation’s foremost civil rights activists & proponents of racial equality by shouting racist obscenities at the National Mall (comic irony?).
But it turns out Glenn Beck’s dreams of a world dedicated to making a certain golden-haired angel of truth even richer and more famouser by helping push his latest, greatest book assault on the English language upon the unsuspecting masses may have hit the proverbial snooze button.
Because some of Beck’s fellow wingnuts and white power patriots on the right think Glenny over here may simply be throwing this so-called Beckapalooza (“Restoring Honor”) to help not the conservative cause (whatever that may be), but rather his own celebrity status and personal bank account of freedom.
Influential conservative blogger Erick Erickson said Beck won’t be able to answer what Erickson has called lingering questions about “whether he’s doing it for himself or doing it for the movement,” even with a successful event this weekend.
“People are going to want to see what comes out of this weekend long term — is it a flash in the pan or is it something longer term?” said Erickson. “Part of the problem is that he didn’t hold onto the 9-12 stuff and it’s kind of descended into competing factions and chaos. He is going to have to be careful, I think, to make sure that he perpetuates this in some way or it’s going to start becoming a punch line.”
I know, I know, Glenn Beck, a punch line? HA, impossible!! But still, some on the right are all upset because Glenn’s “9.12 Project,” which apparently tried to change the way America punctuates dates post-9/11 by replacing slashes with decimal points (or something like that?), appears to have fallen by the wayside. Guess Glenn did not do a good enough job keeping those Teabaggers red-faced and seething with hatred and bigotry, and as a result, they started to get bored and, consequently less full of hate, and this upsets activists very much.
Meanwhile, at least one tea party group rejected Beck’s entreaties to assist with the march, concluding he was offering little in return for its organizational know-how and credibility, while giving preferential treatment to FreedomWorks, which is paying to sponsor Beck’s radio show. The group’s leader, who requested anonymity to avoid antagonizing Beck, said, “All he’s doing is trying to use us to promote himself.”
And the problem with that is? Jesus Christ had no problem using his disciples to spread the Christian word of God, why should Glenny? Besides, why is Mr. Anonymous so afraid of Beck in the first place? I mean what’s the worst that could happen? Beck drowning him in a cascade of Vicks VapoRub tears?
“I call it ‘Beckaplooza,’ because it seems to be all about Beck,” said Andrew Ian Dodge, the Maine state coordinator for Tea Party Patriots, a coalition of local groups that has helped stage several big rallies, many to protest what they saw as unchecked government expansion under President Barack Obama and the Democratic Congress.
At the request of Beck’s team, which lacked the organizational infrastructure or logistical know-how to pull off Saturday’s march, asked for assistance, Tea Party Patriots agreed to help promote the march among its 500,000 email subscribers and to provide 400 volunteers to staff it, a requirement before the National Park Service would issue a permit.
But when the Patriots were deciding whether to help with Saturday’s rally, Dodge said there was internal queasiness over the M.L.K. link and Beck’s inflammatory rhetoric, including his blasting of Obama as a racist.
“There have been discussions continuously over the last year about whether he is necessarily a force for good or not necessarily,” said Dodge, who is not planning to attend Beck’s rally and expressed concern that it could produce controversy that might haunt the tea party. “Beck takes it outside of the realm of fiscal conservatism into issues that are more emotional and make you wonder if we really want to be associated with this guy.”
Whoa, whoa whoa!! What did you just say? “Make you wonder if we really want to be associated with this guy?” What are you insane or something (yes!)?
I thought the whole problem was that Beck didn’t inflame Teabaggers enough! Now, suddenly calling an Obama a secret Muslim terrorist elitist socialist illegal immigrant thug racist is going “too far?” Is this not America, land of the free, brave, and deranged just cause Blacky NObama’s sittin’ in the once-pure snow White House? Well, I for one say, it doesn’t go far enough!
“We very much appreciate and support Glenn’s general message that he puts forth on a daily basis … He consistently espouses free market views and views that espouse what the founders thought,” said AFP President Tim Phillips. “It’s a good message — and so whatever direction he chooses to take with this day and this march, we support it.”
Thanks heavens someone remembers the true values of Teabagger Patriots (White Power Nationalists)! Getting used by a psychotic, yet shrewd mega-millionaire like Glenn Beck all so he can sell his awful books and make even more oodles of delicious Ben-Franklin flavored fruit from the free market money tree growing in his backyard. Because isn’t that the whole point of being a Teabagger? Hating terrible, unAmerican taxes on the rich because you want rich people to have more money?
Surely, it is written in the Constitution, right there next to the part about how gross poor people should never, ever be allowed to get adequate, affordable health care, but be forced to die in the streets instead, while real patriots like Glenn Beck and Co. laugh and throw crumpled dollar bills at their limp, lifeless bodies.
Just like Dr. King always dreamed it would be.
A House Divided Cannot Stand, Even A House Of Pauls!
Ooooh, are America’s favorite “Dr. R. Pauls” (as in Ron the elder and Rand the dumber) in the middle of a heated Muslim ‘n mosque-fueled fight??
But how could Rand’s deliciously red, Christian apple fall so far from father’s tree? Surely, Jesus did not die for our sins only to see his favoritest wingnut duo o’ docs disintegrate into a halal ‘n hijab haze of father-son feud!
But which awesome Doctor Paul thinks those pesky Muslims should take their dang mosque and go back to Arabia, or wherever it is that A-rabs come from, and which one thinks the Cordoba House/Ground Zero Mosque controversy is “all about hate and Islamaphobia?” Hmmm, let’s see, which one is trying to win a Senate seat in chicken-’n-freak-fried Kentucky?
Like any decent, true Republican trying to win a Senate race in the original land of Colonel Sanders secret spice and heart attacks in the form of bacon and cheese smothered between two fried chicken fillets, Dr. Rand Paul doesn’t much care for those swarthy Muslimy types always tryin’ to build stuff here in the Whites Only land of America.
“While this is a local matter that should be decided by the people of New York, Dr. Paul does not support a mosque being built two blocks from Ground Zero,” Paul spokesperson Gary Howard said. “In Dr. Paul’s opinion, the Muslim community would better serve the healing process by making a donation to the memorial fund for the victims of September 11th.”
Eh, or just pulling a Heavens’ Gate and collectively offing themselves in a mass effort to reach salvation aboard the Hale-Bopp comet to heaven. Either one really.
But noooooooo! Papa Ron just couldn’t leave well enough alone, could he? No, Papa had to come along like some tree-hugging, arugula-eating liberal Muslim loving hippie, and insist the outcry is nothing more than bigoted, GOP-fueled anti-Muslim hysteria for political purposes.
“The outcry over the building of the mosque, near ground zero, implies that Islam alone was responsible for the 9/11 attacks. According to those who are condemning the building of the mosque, the nineteen suicide terrorists on 9/11 spoke for all Muslims,” Ron wrote in a statement on RonPaul.com “This is like blaming all Christians for the wars of aggression and occupation because some Christians supported the neo-conservative’s aggressive wars.”
“It is repeatedly said that 64% of the people, after listening to the political demagogues, don’t want the mosque to be built. What would we do if 75% of the people insist that no more Catholic churches be built in New York City? The point being is that majorities can become oppressors of minority rights as well as individual dictators. Statistics of support is irrelevant when it comes to the purpose of government in a free society–protecting liberty.”
Well, well look who is suddenly all about protectin’ freedom of gross Muslims now. Whatever is young Rand supposed to do? Certainly, siding with the terrible Islams (in enlightened Kentucky of all places) is out of the question, world-famous libertarian doctor daddies or not.
Sorry to disappoint ya, Pops, but he’ll stick with whole hatin’ an entire community instead. Kentuckians just looooooooove that kind of stuff. In fact they eat that shit up all day long, so long as it’s before their daily dose of KFC’s famous Double Down!
“I think reconciliation is best promoted by — instead of having a multi-million dollar mosque — maybe having a multi-million dollar donation to the memorial site, would be better for all,” a semi-coherent Rand Paul said.
Or maybe even a multimillion dollar donation to his campaign (memorial site), since Ron and America’s son, Rand, has had some trouble getting the Jesus freaks, Klansmen, and assorted other illiterate misfits who helped him win the primary to continue supporting him through the general election. Mainly, cause they’re bunch of dumb rednecks with no money for anything anyway ‘cept maybe the state’s namesake variety bucket and a 40 oz or two at the local mini mart.
“Since Paul won the general election, he’s had trouble keeping up the enthusiasm from his online activist base and tea party members. In a Facebook friend drive earlier this month, Paul’s campaign aimed to get 100,000 people to sign up for his Web page — but fell about 40,000 people short,” Politico reports.
Maybe cause he scares the bejeebus out of everyone, or at least anyone with actual money, like the greedy, media-controlling Jews and elitists always screwing things up for nice young people who hate blacks, browns, and anyone else not beautiful snow white like lovely Sir Rand over here.
“The fact that so much attention has been given the mosque debate, raises the question of just why and driven by whom?” the older, wiser Ron Paul writes:
In my opinion it has come from the neo-conservatives who demand continual war in the Middle East and Central Asia and are compelled to constantly justify it. They never miss a chance to use hatred toward Muslims to rally support for the ill conceived preventative wars. A select quote from soldiers from in Afghanistan and Iraq expressing concern over the mosque is pure propaganda and an affront to their bravery and sacrifice.
And the problem with that is? Sounds like Grand Ol’ Politics as usual to me!
Desperate times (and/or desperate people) call for desperate measures.
Clearly, what Rand Paul needs to do now is tell the Teabaggers (and the rest of the neo-Nazis, skinheads, and birthers who support him) that the dirty ragheads are not only trying to build terrorist temples on the still-smoldering remains of patriotic, white power Christian Americans, but are also secretly building mosques in their large intestines, and the only sure-fire way to stop ‘em is by immediately sending all their cash and money (eh, screw it, and gold jewelry, too!) to:
Dr. Rand Paul
National Board of Ophthalmology (aka a UPS Store in Bowling Green, Kentucky)
911 Muslim-Free Road
Bumblef**k, Confederacy, 91101
Doctor’s orders!
Much like Gramps McCain and the rest of the old, creepy Republicans desperately trying to recapture their-once youthful glow by mastering the art, no make that the science, of popular tween social networking sites like Twitter and Facebook before him, a new, even creepier Asian kid has decided to join the rest of the cool kids pokin’ peeps and tweetin’ updates over on the ol’ 140-character block.
Sure, the nation’ citizens may be starving to death, their economy in shambles, and the entire population a bunch of demented midgets hellbent on world domination (and hopefully, Armageddon), but the real news is that North Korea, and its adorable li’l muffin of a leader Kim Jong Il, has left the dark ages (sort of) and joined the rest of 21st century society by creating their very own official state-run Twitter and Facebook page. Hooray!
Get excited, world! A few weeks after the beautiful blossoming of North Korea’s Twitter account and YouTube channel, the notorious nation of scary loners has apparently launched it’s own awesome Facebook page to presumably do all the things crazy kids do these days, like stalk their exes (South Korea) and chat with the rest of the world’s rogue leaders posting hilarious pictures and status messages from various undisclosed, highly secure locations worldwide like remote mountain caves.
The AP reports that the Facebook account, which opened late Thursday under the Korean username “Uriminzokkiri” meaning “on our own as a nation,” calls itself a ” page representing the intentions of North and South Koreas and compatriots abroad, who wish for peace, prosperity, and unification of our homeland.”
Its profile picture is of the Three Charters for National Reunification Memorial Tower, a 100-foot (30-meter) monument in Pyongyang that “reflects the strong will of the 70 million Korean people to achieve the reunification of the country with their concerted effort.”
The account had 65 friends as of Friday. Oh, and the Facebook page, which describes itself as “male, says it is interested in men and is looking for networking.”
Oh, hahahahaha! Ya crazy North Korea!
Hmmm, let me see if I’ve got this straight…Notoriously anti-social Hermit Kingdom, the one with a crazy dwarf dictator who wants to take over the world (or just watch lots of American DVDs while sippin’ Hennessy), owner of the world’s fourth-largest army, including nuclear weapons, population 23 million—has just 65 friends, is gay, and interested in social networking??
And much of the activity on North Korea’s wall happens to include Venezuelan leader Hugo Chavez’ two-sense, the obligatory “North Korea is best Korea” posts, and of course your random American ranting about how “Kim Jong Dickhead can suck some Red, White, and Blue ass.”
Frankly, this looks more like the profile page of a never-been-laid 18-year-old Dungeons & Dragons master still living in his parent’s basement, rather than a nuclear-armed deranged totalitarian state with a powerful, decades-old grudge against the rest of the free, normal-sized world.
Oh wait, turns out it North Korea’s fabulous quest for some hot man-on-man love and/or Kim Jong II “liking” Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad’s “Death to the West” status update may not be real after all. Bummerrrrrr!
According to the regime, the hot sexy profiles of Dear Pint-Sized Leader are nothing more than the plots and schemes of some capitalist pigs living in Japan and China, not North Korea, because such salacious social media sites are still banned, plus there is no such thing as gross gays there. Duh.
“We think that there is plenty of misinformation, speculation and sensationalism regarding the reality of North Korea,” North Korea spokesman Cao de Benos tells Forbes. “This is the hypocrisy of a society that calls itself ‘democratic’ but is in reality fearful of the ideological power and influence from our side.”
Hmmm like Dear Leaders Gone Wildly Homo?
But, don’t be fooled, “Such websites will never be run by our Government directly,” the spokesman said.
I mean there are already 23 million starving slaves willing to pledge their life-long allegiance to Dear Leader a thousand times a day, and they don’t even require compensation, monetary, hot man-tail, or otherwise.
But on the bright side, at least we can rest assured knowing World War III won’t start all because some douchebag prankster decides to “tag” North Korea in a White House photo.
Instead, it will likely happen when the producers of “K-Town” reject Kim Jong Il’s application video. Apparently, the li’l dude’s got a thing for The SituASIAN and oddly colored dark-haired midgets whose bright orange glow may or may not be radioactive.
But at least North Korea can stop trying to make South Korea jealous by making out with Taiwan every weekend. They would try hitting up that Snooki girl, but not sure how her boyfriend John McCain would feel about it. And if there’s one thing Koreans are taught, it’s to always respect the elderly!
(Click to enlarge):
Do you crave a hot, new look like some phat new gear to ironically display your disgust at the freaky hillbillies and Klansmen running around with Teabags taped to various appendages, while hootin’ & hollerin’ ’bout how Blacky NObama’s big, bad gubmint is bankruptin’ America?
Then, these chic new “I’m Voting Tea Party” (fill-in-the-blank with whatever racist and/or ignorant reason people actually choose to support these freaks) is just what the doctor ordered. Before condemning you, Granny, and your special needs precious li’l miracle of God to certain doom at the hands of Obama’s roving death squads, of course.
Either way, these fresh TEAriffic t-shirts sure beat the dickens out of those lame “F*ck Tea” ones before ‘em, though their hearts were surely in the right place, and by right, we naturally mean those fellow progressives, whose sanity did not disintegrate as soon as a black man took the oath of office.
So grab one today and let the whole world know what retarded thing NObama won’t let you do now, or whatever your favorite terribly misguided reason for joining the rest of the borderline psychotics, misfits, felons, and other white power patriots who make Tea Parties the hot, caffeinated, brown (only after being brewed, don’t worry!) stain on society, we elitists with functional IQ levels can’t stop slurping up.
Barack Obama won’t firebomb innocent border-hopping Mexicans or even eat Muslim babies for breakfast. That’s why I’m voting Tea Party. You??
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Democralypse Now is an equal-opportunity satirist exposing stupidity in government and politics, one hilariously scathing post at a time. Like Stephen Colbert, only hotter.
