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Sometimes, sweet Sarah Palin is so mind-blowingly stupid (as in makes George W. Bush look like freakin’ Einstein), that it’s really no surprise this Wasilla wonder’s become the adorable face of that group of misfits and miscreants dumb enough to name themselves after a ridiculous sexual practice, usually limited to frat houses and drunken dares, known as teabaggging.
It’s no secret that Sarah plain and small has a habit of saying one thing and doing the complete opposite. It’s her bread and butter, her moose and mustard, her buffalo and beer!
Which is to say, she pretty much makes a living off of it (and what a living it is!). $200,000 just to say some nice words about freedom, oil, war, and of course, Jesus, while condemning homos, hippie “green” types, and the socialist meltdown of this country courtesy of a certain (illegal??) “hopey, changey” Kenyan man who may or may not be trying to destroy this bountiful land of freedom and bravery known as the U.S. of A.
Yet, weaved throughout her patriotic speeches about God willing her to run for vice-president and why it’s only acceptable to use the term “retard” to describe those whackjob liberals, is a creeping sense that Sarah Palin may be confusing the words maverick and hypocrite. Which is totally understandable considering they’re both three syllable words that contain the letters C, E, and I. She’s not a wizard, people!
A fact that becomes painfully obvious the moment she opens her perfectly lipsticked mouth and sound waves begin vibrating outward (usually how our sweet Ice Queen gets herself in trouble). This is typically followed by some sort of incoherent rambling only audible to those dressed as our colonial forefathers and/or a present-day greasy-haired secessionist cloaked in some sort of confederate flag attire or a “Jesus Saves” t-shirt.
The same crack-squad of geniuses who cheer wildly, shrieking with delight whenever her highness says some asinine statement about the “health care that’s necessary to shore up the economy because it’s all about job creation” or what a real Alaskan mama bear brings to swampy, elitist, Mexican-sounding cesspools like the District of Columbia. Certainly a helluva lot more than some “charismatic guy with a teleprompter.”
Ha ha dumb Barry! Mr. “Hopey Changey” can’t even remember the words to an hour and half speech without having an electric devil contraption scrolling the text to him like some deranged Judas trying to fool the people into thinking he has magic powers.
Well, Sarah isn’t gonna pretend she’s something she’s not (intelligent?) with these hoity-toity, mad scientist machines of sin. Didn’t the good Lord instruct us:
“Lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil” (Matthew 6:13).
Let’s not forget that evil in the form of electric waves and a projection screen is just as potent as evil in the form of abominations unto the Lord like abortion, homosexuality, adultery, and pre-marital sex for anyone without a bizarrely misleading, faux progressive first name followed by the surname Palin.
Which is why Sarah follows closely the words of her Savior, Jesus Christ, when sitting down for a pre-selected Q&A session (can’t have any rogue questions slipping through, now can we?) by literally scribbling notes on her hand as helpful reminders when answering those very tough questions given to her in advance to avoid the very embarrassing debacle she now finds herself in. Again.
After all, who knows better than Sarah that “idle hands are the Devil’s playthings?”
That’s why it makes perfect sense that moments after criticizing Comrade Barry for having the audacity to use a teleprompter to deliver live televised addresses to the nation, the ol’ Barracuda decided to go rogue herself, via what appears to be the old school cheat sheet route–that is unless she randomly decided to get a henna tattoo while promotin’ freedom down in Nashville with the words:
- “Energy”
- “Budget cuts”
- “Tax”
- “Lift American spirits”
So is it a big deal that, much like the fifth year senior in your high school English class, Sarah’s “prep” strategy is also to draw all over herself in sneaky places everyone notices? Eh, not really.
It’s what the common man (or woman) does when he/she can’t remember his/her basic core beliefs when asked simple pre-selected questions about said basic core beliefs!
Lots of politicians carry notes with them (or in Palin’s case, literally on them). Sorry if she isn’t as high maintenance as some terrible, arugula-eating elitist presidents who must rely on evil gadgets to ensure their thousand-word speeches go off without hitch. Sorry, if it’s just not her maverick style to do the whole “note card” thing. This folksy Arctic fox prefers to go au natural!
Just remember the brilliant words from her glorious keynote address during the weekend Palin-palooza Teabagger festival.
“To win that war [on terror], we need a commander-in-chief, not a professor.”
She’s so right! What we need is a cheating student, or better yet, a cheating student without the common sense (she has the dollars and cents) to use a cue card or single sheet of paper.
Yes, what America NEEDS above all else is a leader who draws on herself like a (special needs?) child.
Makes us feel so much better about our dumb, poor, unemployed selves. Oh, you betcha! Wink, Wink.
Woooohooo!
Pack your bags (tea and otherwise), throw on your colonial best, polish your semi-automatics to a glistening shine, grab the neighbors, and head down to Nashville, Tennessee, folks. It’s Tea Time, baby!
And this time, the revolution will be televised. But, hopefully not by the evil, terrible, Obama-loving elitist MSM.
“The mainstream media is the enemy,” declared Bob Bunting, a retiree from Hilton Head Island, S.C., attending the convention with his wife, Nancy. “You are for socialism and Barack Obama.”
Ah yes, all across the country, Bob Bunting and 1,100 of America’s truest patriots, will gather at the Gaylord resort (ironic??) in the famed Music City for a li’l limited-government, low-tax, liberal loathin’, gun-totin’ fun. Teabag style!
There, the faithful fringe among us will have the distinct privilege of hearing her highness, Sarah Palin, deliver the much-anticipated keynote address, (and maybe, just maybe the opening salvo for her 2012 presidential bid), all for the bargain basement rate of $100,000. Just think about how many teabags that would get you!
“She is the one,” said Loren Nelson of Seattle. “And she’s gonna do it.”
Or is she? The former Alaskan governor and current Empress of Facebook has remained mum on the subject, refusing to say for sure whether she’ll be making a White House bid of her own (without Gramps screwing everything up) come 2012. She’s so rogue like that.
Everyone knows with talent like hers, it would be “absurd” to not consider a run for president, and a chance to unseat that chocolate-hued menace with his big words and weird Muslim-y name.
“I would (run) if I believe that that is the right thing to do for our country and for the Palin family,” she said.
In other words, as long as none of her other unwed teenage daughters have a beautiful, surprise miracle of God for Grandmama! So wrap it up Willow and Piper. One Bristol per family is more than enough for this Alaskan Mama Bear, thank you very much.
“The soul of the Tea Party is the people who belong to it,” Palin said. “They have the courage to stand up and speak out…They believe in the same principles that guided my work in public service.”
Do they ever! Principles like quitting during your first term as governor and never allowing this precious country to be overtaken by a socialist black man (from Kenya!) who hates white people and doesn’t even believe in starting wars for no reason!
A man so dangerous, he wants to provide health care to all Americans, not just rich, white ones who also happen to be pharmaceutical lobbyists. Not even Hitler would’ve done something this horrifying.
And you can bet your bottom dollar, Hitler never had a chief of staff who ever used the words “fucking retarded.” Of course, that’s probably because they were already rounded up and sent to the gas chambers, but hey the devil’s in the details, right?
Of course, Obama could always change the political dynamic and boost his reelection odds if he took Sarah’s sage advice and “played the war card,” by declaring war on Iran or bolstering Israel. That Sarah, she’s not afraid of nothin’! Russians, Iranians, Iraqis (like there’s a difference), bring ‘em on! Anything to boost those election chances and save some Israelis in the process (not the Jew ones, silly, just the true Christians).
Distrust of the mainstream media (or MSM as its known to the tea crowd), is one of the main tenets uniting the philosophically diverse, but overwhelmingly white teabagging crowd, who almost universally believe the arugula eating national media have purposefully sullied their good name, portraying them as lunatics, whackjobs, racists, idiots, rednecks, and ignorant white trash–that is when not ignoring them completely.
But Chuck Smith, a 66-year-old retiree from Knoxville who attended the conference, acknowledged that the occasionally extremist rhetoric, combined with the mostly white composition of many tea party crowds make it “easy to paint us as racist or extremist, and I can’t fault the mainstream media for that, but that misses the point.”
Smith said reporters “don’t understand what’s happening. We’re not exclusionary. We’re everyday, hard-working Americans fighting back against big government.”
Who just happen to show their love of this country by waving confederate flags, Obama as Hitler signs, and demanding that ObamaCare be buried along with Teddy Kennedy’s ol’ shriveled bones.
In her 40-minute speech followed by a 15-minute Q&A session pre-selected by organizers (can’t afford any Katie Couric like responses, now can we?), tea party hero and Alaskan snow goddess Sarah Palin hit all the right notes, sure to please even the most discriminating teabagger.
Bashing the Obama administration for “treating terrorists like criminals” (instead of rabid dogs?) and for not taking a tougher stance on the war on terror, Sarah had some choice words for the current, smarty-pants president.
“To win that war, we need a commander-in-chief, not a professor,” Palin said, receiving one of her many standing ovations. Smart is sooooo out this year.
Accusing the Democrats of going on a wild, out-of-control spending spree, Sarah said, “they’re sticking our kids with the bill and that’s amoral–that’s generational theft.”
She even threw in some nice, old fashioned mocking for good measure–a sure-fire way to rev up the crowd.
“How’s that hopey, changey stuff working out for you?” she asked, to wild teabagging applause, before driving this baby home with some solid Jesus talk and magic words like “drill, baby drill,” and all the other stuff conservatives go nuts for.
Political leaders should “start seeking some divine intervention again in this country, so that we can be safe and secure and prosperous again. To have people involved in government who aren’t afraid to go that route, and also afraid of the political correctness that, you know, they have to be afraid about what the media would say about them if they were to proclaim their reliance on our creator.”
What, that they’re crazy like a fox? An Alaskan, snow fox?
But, heavens forbid they utter those two most terrible words in the English language: “fucking retard.”
Asked by Fox News Host (and supposed ally) Chris Wallace why she demanded that White House chief-of-staff Rahm Emanuel resign for calling liberal activists “f**king retards,” yet declined to ask right-wing talk radio host Rush Limbaugh to apologize for using the same terrible, derisive term on his radio show.
“I didn’t hear Rush Limbaugh calling a group of people who he did not agree with ‘f*cking retards’ and we did know that Rahm Emanuel, it’s been reported, did say that. There’s a big difference there,” said Palin, the de-facto leader of special needs children everywhere.
So true, Sarah! Rush must’ve been talking about a group he loves dearly and holds close to his (large, overworked) heart when he said,”Our politically correct society is acting like some giant insult’s taken place by calling a bunch of people who are retards, retards…I mean these people, these liberal activists, are kooks.”
“Should Rush Limbaugh apologize?” Wallace asked.
Ha ha don’t be silly, Chris!
“They are kooks so I agree with Rush Limbaugh.”
Duh! It’s only okay to use the word retarded when referring to dirty, tree-hugging hippies, pussy, kumbaya-chanting pacifists, flamboyant, God-forsaken gay and lesbian rights activists and assorted other special needs persons of the left.
Isn’t she just charming? Sure must feel good to be on the right side of God, History, Everything.
Bless her sweet, rogue, occasionally special needs heart.
She’s so maverick, even she doesn’t know what “f**king retarded” thing she’ll say next.
 OMG, did you hear the news? The once-in-a-century reason to visit Arkansas (not flee in a panic) has finally arrived. And then, like a ghost in the night, it was gone. Poof!
In case you missed THE political death match for the ages–Republican National Committee chairman Michael Steele squaring off against former Tennessee Rep. and current carpetbagger extraordinaire, Harold Ford, Jr., at the University of Arkansas–fear not, my friends!
All the excitement that was “Left, Right, and Forward: On the Future of America” can still be yours, thanks to the magical land of tubes known as the Internets! Yay!
“As prominent leaders representing both sides of the political spectrum, Harold Ford Jr. and Michael Steele will engage the audience in the most hot-button issues that will shape our nation’s future,” director of the school’s Office of Campus Life Jan Austin said. “Anyone with an interest in politics and in the future of the country will want to attend.”
Or any of the dozens of other speaking engagements the two have collaborated on to inform Americans (and get paid fool!) around the country over the past two years. Take your pick.
Luckily, Ford and Steele (wait, are you sure this isn’t an auto industry promo?) were paid quite handsomely for their services ($20k each), which is good because poor Harold Ford was forced to take a leave of absence from Merrill-Lynch in order to campaign, relying solely on a measly teaching gig at NYU and lowly MSNBC pundit wages to “put food on the table.” Oh, the hardship!
Of course, money ain’t no thang when you’re big pimpin’ RNC Chairman Michael “Mo’ Money” Steele. No one rolls phat and large like the Steele man, no one. For reals yo!
But the two, often controversial, brothas from opposing ends of the political spectrum found time for a few lighthearted moments during their more than 90 minute debate, sparring on everything from health care and taxes to abortion and assorted other fun issues of the day.
Like when Steele bashed President Obama’s plan to let the Bush tax cuts expire for families who make more than $250,000.
“Trust me, after taxes, a million dollars is not a lot of money,” Steele said. Puh-lease!
Of course Ford pretended to disagree, lest he seem like a giant fraud or something, asking the audience, “Who in here makes a million dollars a year?”
Boo-ya!
But when no hands shot up, Steele jumped in with the save.
“How many of you want to make a million dollars a year?” Awww, snap! Steele in da house!
The two also disagreed over the recent Citizens United Supreme Court decision, which cleared the way for corporations to spend directly in U.S. political campaigns.
While Ford panned the move as a “a win for very monied interests,” Steele took his Grand Old Party’s ridiculous “Free Speech” view of the decision, doing away with years of federal campaign finance law in one fell 5-4 swoop.
“If the people see an ad that’s run by a corporation that they don’t like, they’ll let them know,” Steele said.
Damn right! They’ll simply write a nice letter asking them very politely to stop injecting millions of dollars (or as much as they jolly well please) into federal election campaigns.
Since the Supreme Court’s decision effectively transforms a corporation into “a real live boy,” complete with personality, free-speech rights and the unprecedented opportunity to drown the American body politic in a tidal wave of dirty money and suspect motives, why wouldn’t these adorable, new corporate Pinocchios be responsive to the wants and needs of the common (non-wooden) man?
Heavens forbid their noses grow too long! Then they might be forced to use some of their money to pick a plastic surgeon instead of a president (gasp!). Poor babies!
Ay, Illinoizzzzzz how you doin’?
Eh, not so well, if you happen to be a resident, concerned citizen, recently elected politician, or just a regular Joe who simply would like to have one elected official not also be a deranged lunatic with a shady past and a rap sheet the size of Rod Blagojevich’s stylish coif.
In Illinois? Hahaha, fuggedaboutit!
Let’s start with Democratic Sen. candidate Alexi Giannoulias whose tight primary victory was immediately followed by his star-making debut in the National Republican Senatorial Committee’s hot new attack ad and brilliant tribute to misguided stereotypes and bad reality TV, called, “Alexi Giannoulias: He’d Make Tony Soprano Proud.”
With all the class of Jersey Shore, wiseguy charm of the Sopranos, and wacky, wild Italian-y family fun of My Big Fat Greek Wedding, the NRSC ad is basically a best of cultural mafia cliches rolled into a single two minute segment of bad taste, even worse Guido accent, random stereotypes and desperate innuendos based on the infallible fact that Greek Sen. hopeful Alexi Giannoulias is so sleazy and corrupt, he might as well be Italian. Bada bing!
As if this poorly (Michael Steele?) narrated war on the senses and backhand slap to intelligence isn’t proof enough of the slimy ways of Alexi Giannoulias, perhaps the fact that this former treasurer of Illinois used to play basketball with public enemy number one, Barack Hussein Obama, will finally convince the public that Giannoulias doesn’t represent change we can believe in, but even better, beliefs we can change.
Through savvy ads that show Americans the truth about their politicians by preying on public fears and prejudices using cheap gimmicks and flashy graphics.
Like that Republicans actually care about the well-being of anything except their own election chances and ability to lie, cheat, and dupe the dumb ass public into actually sending them to Washington to continue to fight for the little people. You know, real, hardworking Americans like Morgan Stanley, Meryl Lynch, and Charles Schwab.
Perhaps former Republican Gov. George Ryan has suggestions for a little Land o’ Lincoln GOP comeback? You’ll just need to mapquest directions to the Federal Correctional Institution out in Terre Haute, Indiana. No biggie!
“Underneath every issue in Illinois is corruption,” Republican Sen. hopeful Mark Kirk said. “The one-party state is not working.”
Never mind the five terms he served in Congress. They don’t count! That’s when George W. Bush was president and government was good and decent and pure. Not the unchecked, power-abusing current illegal regime led by a dissident Kenyan socialist with an unquenchable desire to make the government work for the people, not the Peoples’ energy company.
Damn Socialists! With their health care reform to help Americans get insurance without dying or going broke (or both), silly jobs creation bills (haha, like anyone needs that!) and attempts to repeal decades-old discrimination against giving gays the freedom to defend the very freedom they’re denied.
“It’s telling,” Mr. Giannoulias said of Mr. Kirk, “that while I’m talking about ideas and creating jobs in Illinois, he’s focused on ridiculous political attacks. What people are looking for is someone who is talking about ideas.”
Nonsense! They’re looking for someone who is talking about what a crazy bastard the other guy is.
And in the land of freakin’ golden things like Rod Blagojevich, that shouldn’t be too difficult.
In fact, the winner of the Democrats’ Lieutenant Governor primary, Scott Lee Cohen is already more than qualified for a long and fruitful career in Illinois politics, with a solid assault rap for attacking his prostitute girlfriend back in 2005, slamming her head against a wall, and holding a knife to her neck. Hooray!
Since all Illinois lieutenant governors become governors after their bosses go to jail and become reality TV celebs, it’s only a matter of time until Mr. Scott Lee Cohen gets to choke all of us in an uncontrollable fit of rage and violence.
But, unlike the normal prostitute-client relationship, here in Illinois, the prostitutes (taxpayers) pay the pimps (politicians) for their services.
Abe would be so proud!
Jealous that the Socialist president everybody despises but secretly wants to jump into bed with, Barack Obama, spent some Quality Time alone with the terrible House Republicans during their group sex therapy rehab session policy retreat, the Democrats are now demanding Barry come to their powwow and bash them for being a bunch of pussy failures who ruin everything, too!
Of course, the historic Newseum in Washington DC isn’t nearly as exciting as the Republicans’ secret (sex?) bunker in Baltimore, but what do you expect from the party who thinks having an overwhelming majority means acting like a petrified minority with nary a legislative trick to stop them from being completely steamrolled by the scary Republican minority juggernaut, whom they outnumber 59-41? Yikes!
So, Barry is forced to go before his very competent and functional, brave Democratic party members to remind them yet again that George W. Bush is no longer president and, as such, they no longer have to hide quivering behind the inflatable Ronny Reagan blow-up doll Rahmbo brought in case of emergency. Like John McCain in the midst of one of his signature meltdowns (after embarrassing himself on live teevee again!) or Chuck Grassely scouring desperately for another teet to suckle (watch out, Nancy!).
Special thanks to the bravery of Barney Frank, who so generously volunteered his services to ensure all Democratic men are safe (at least for the time being) from the wide-stance ways of notorious man-tail hunter, Sen. Larry Craig.
So, everybody was all excited about President Obama’s lovely pep talk with the Dems (especially Fox News), urging them that “we still have to lead” and not to give up, even after losing the filibuster-proof supermajority (they were too s-s-s-s-scared to take advantage of anyway). Hooray!
“All that’s changed in the last two weeks is that our party’s gone from having the largest Senate majority in a generation to the second largest Senate majority in a generation,” Obama said. “And we’ve gotta remember that.”
Then please feel free to squander it as you normally would.
But it wasn’t all lectures and disappointment on Obama’s end. No sir-ee! Barry even found a way to work in some praise and a few, “job well dones” or at least “job well trieds.”
Like thanking the Democrats for not giving up in the face of unrelenting Republican obstructionism (and idiocy), and praising them for overcoming “enormous procedural obstacles that are unprecedented” in modern times, noting the fact that they cast more filibuster-breaking votes last year than in the entire 1950s and 1960s combined (so, at least they have more balls than the hippies?).
“That’s 20 years of obstruction packed into just one…We extend a hand and all we get is a fist in return.”
Time to put up your dukes, boys…and Nancy!
“I’ve said this before to this caucus, I want to say it again: for me it is constantly important to remind myself why I got into this in the first place…. You don’t get into this for the fame, for the title. You get into it because at some point in time there was an issue that made you want to stand up and be counted, to fight for something.”
Ehhh, not really. Unless changing the BCS rules counts, cause if so, then yes, hell yes!
“One of those issues being healthcare (Doh!): Well here we are, with a chance to change it…. As we think about moving forward, I hope we don’t lose sight of why we’re here. We’ve got to finish the job on health care. We’ve got to finish the job on financial regulatory reform. We’ve got to finish the job even though it’s hard.”
“If everyone here turned off their CNN, their Fox, turn off the TV, blogs (no!) and go out and meet real people … they don’t care quite frankly about majorities and minorities. We’ve got to get out of the echo chamber. That was a mistake I made last year, I didn’t get out of here enough.”
Hear that? Away from you freakshows and your echo chambers. Away, awaaay, awwaaaayy, awwwaaaaaayyyyy, awwwwaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyy…
“What I’m not open to is a decision to stay on the sidelines and then assign blame. I have little patience for the kinds of political calculations that says the benefit of blocking everything is greater than the cost of doing nothing. That basically says if you lose, I win.”
Well, Barry don’t play that game, biaaatch!
But before he bid adieu, President Obama urged Democrats not to shrivel up like a wilting flower after losing their magical 60th Senate seat in January’s Massachusetts special “incompetence edition” election.
“If anybody’s searching for a lesson from Massachusetts, I promise you, the answer is not to do nothing.”
It is to run like hell, shrieking at the top of your lungs and hoping, no, make that praying, that a certain Cosmo model from Massachusetts by the name of Scott Brown, doesn’t mow you flat over in his gas-guzzling, macho pickup truck careening through New England en route to Washington, DC, where he will sit proudly atop Teddy Kennedy’s ol’ bones and contemplate the best way to rape ride his legacy full steam into the White House Oval Office.
Which, unlike NObama’s hideous chocolate-hued mug, actually matches the lovely shape (not to mention color!) of his aesthetically beautiful, perfectly symmetrical face.
 Special Needs Showdown: Barracuda vs. RahmboAfter a seemingly eternal week or two without any artificial drama to bitch and moan about on her favoritest social networking site, proud Emperor of Facebook and trivial feuds of all kinds, Sarah Palin has finally found a dumb, insignificant comment to get her panties all in a twist, so people will stop ignoring her highness to instead talk about silly, unimportant things like jobs and health care.
Fresh off her victorious 432-page war on the written word known as the great Going Rogue assault, Sarah Palin has now declared war on a dangerous, new threat to humanity: 9½ fingered fiend, White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel. Rahmbo to those (un)fortunate enough to cross his path.
This time, the Alaskan queen’s loaded gun of anger is being aimed directly at the White House’s pugnacious point man for his latest, horrible affront to lovely Sarah Palin and special needs children around the world. And you best believe Miss Thang has the hammer cocked and her finger tight on the trigger!
You see, Sarah is very upset, no, make that devastated, over that terrible Rahm man’s insensitive smackdown of Senate liberals (everyone’s fave scapegoat!), describing their strategy to pressure Senate centrists as “fucking retarded.”
Well, Mother Theresa of Alaska over here doesn’t much care for meany language like that, especially when it comes from from someone as heartless and evil as the right-hand man of Satan himself, Barack Hussein Obama.
She simply will not stand for it, and is calling on President Obama to fire that no-good bastard Rahm…unless he too despises li’l Trigger and special needs babies everywhere.
And as any serious political heavyweight would, Sarah Palin naturally took her (retarded) fight to the Internets to issue an alert to her Facebook faithfuls, complete with the heading: “Are You Capable of Decency, Rahm Emanuel?”
“Yes, Rahm is known for his caustic, crude references about those with whom he disagrees, but his recent tirade against participants in a strategy session was such a strong slap in many American faces that our president is doing himself a disservice by seeming to condone Rahm’s recent sick and offensive tactic.”
“Just as we’d be appalled if any public figure of Rahm’s stature ever used the ‘N-word’ (newborn??) or other such inappropriate language, Rahm’s slur on all God’s children with cognitive and developmental disabilities – and the people who love them – is unacceptable, and it’s heartbreaking.”
Shhhhhhh, if you’re really quiet, you can actually hear Trig weeping in his crib right now.
And to think, the dastardly comment would’ve gone largely unnoticed by the evil, elitist mainstream media (they love socialists!) if it wasn’t for a true “patriot” hero in Massachusetts (Scott Brown?) whose own li’l bundle of joy also has Down Syndrome.
“A patriot in North Andover, Massachusetts, notified me of Rahm’s “retarded” slam. I join this gentleman, who is the father of a beautiful child born with Down Syndrome, in asking why the Special Olympics, National Down Syndrome Society and other groups condemning Rahm’s degrading scolding have been completely ignored by the White House. No comment from his boss, the president?”
“As my friend in North Andover says, ‘”This isn’t about politics; it’s about decency. I am not speaking as a political figure but as a parent and as an everyday American wanting my child to grow up in a country free from mindless prejudice and discrimination, free from gratuitous insults of people who are ostensibly smart enough to know better… Have you no sense of decency, sir?’”
“Mr. President, you can do better, and our country deserves better.”
– Sarah Palin
At least, sweet Sarah has the common decency to wait until she’s all alone in the comfort of her home to call her own special needs baby “retarded.”
No, not Levi Johnston, silly! We’re talking about li’l Trig!
What are you “fucking retarded” (like the 12,903 fellow Facebookers dumb enough to actually “like” Sarah’s incoherent, idiot post) or something??
Everyone knows the ladies looooooove hunky host of hate radio Rush Hudson Limbaugh III. They simply go Gaga for him! And not just that weird, naked crackhead Lady with the boa and feathers wrapped around her p-p-p-p-poker face. All of ‘em!
Which is why it comes as no surprise that the dapper king of loyal white supremacists, racists, dungeon and dragon masters, and 40-year-old virgins who tune in regularly to hear his shining pearls of wisdom about how black people are ruining America, (be it quarterback or commander-in-chief), is going to be one of seven distinguished judges at this year’s Miss America pageant. Hooray!
And despite his poor, overworked heart coming thisclose to taking its last pill-addled, fat-clogged breath (while exerting himself on a beach in Hawaii), Rush appears to be as robust and healthy as a half-deaf, obese middle-aged white man with an insatiable appetite for cigars and cornstarch can be.
Just look at him get down and bust a move to Lady Gaga’s “Poker Face” in the dance-off competition for “Judge of the Night” against fellow judge (and most likely, reverse racist) Vivica A. Fox, who couldn’t keep up with Rush’s fly style or hot, royally flushed face.
In fact, Limbaugh’s moves were so poppin’ fresh, he was a lock for the “Judge of the Night” crown, earning him a one-of-a-kind “Miss New Jersey” sash from the lovely host, Miss New Jersey 1995 Dena Blizzard. Wooohooo! He loves blizzards (not the weather sort, silly!).
His smooth moves even made it to the Internets, in the form of a Miss America Live tweet: “Rush Limbaugh has exceptionally impressive fist pumping skills.”
Skills he most likely didn’t acquire in his two whole semesters and one summer of college, before dropping out to pursue his love of hearing himself speak. No, no, this kind of talent takes years to hone.
And he’ll need every bit of it when the Las Vegas pageant airs live on Saturday night, and El Rushbo is charged with the very important task of deciding which of the 53 contestants is most deserving of the esteemed Miss America 2010 title, as the hottest, big breasted (and hearted) babe in America.
“We are thrilled to have Rush join us for our pageant this year,” Miss America Organization (MAO) President and CEO, Art McMaster, said. “He will bring a thrilling new dimension to the competition and we know that the 2010 Miss America Pageant will be filled with new twists and exciting opportunities with him as one of our national judges.”
Yes, it shall be thrilling indeed to have one of the nation’s foremost women’s rights activists, who believes “feminism was established so as to allow unattractive women easier access to the mainstream of society” and coined the term feminazi in reference to the dozens of so-called feminists, “to whom the most important thing in life is ensuring that as many abortions as possible occur.”
This guy is a real Don Juan, except he hates those Spaniards almost as much the damn Mexicans!
But at least this sexy woman lover knows how to judge a hot piece of tail or two. Just like he knows there’s nothing a li’l lady wants more than to be hired for her sweet behind, ample breasts, and wily female charms, as the ol’ eye candy for the office job she’s been dreaming of, in case Prince Charming never shows up on his white horse to whisk her away from a miserable, pathetic life of spinsterhood and suffering.
Fortunately, for these contestants, they’ve got the ultimate ladies’ man calling the shots.
“She’s actually a very smart cat. She gets loved. She gets adoration. She gets petted. She gets fed. And she doesn’t have to do anything for it, which is why I say this cat’s taught me more about women, than anything my whole life.”
So there it is folks, the secret behind Rush’s swingin’ success! Simply substitute felines for females and voila! instant bangin’ babe-magnet abilities at your fingertips.
Rush Limbaugh, misogynist? More like Rush Limbaugh, misogynirresistible! Rarrrrrrrrrr!
 No Rushin’ Love
OMG, did you hear the news?? After nearly two decades of keeping them pesky gays in the closet (where they belong) with the brilliant “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy, the Defense Department will finally begin the process of repealing the military’s 20-year ban on feathered boas, leather pants, freshly pressed clothes, good fashion sense, and any other brazenly obvious displays of sexuality that can in any way be construed as even slightly homosexual.
Of course, as with any issue as bone-chillingly frightening as granting gays and lesbians the right to die for their country while also being “all they can be” as a loud ‘n proud member of the United States Army, the process is expected to take several years.
Defense Secretary Robert Gates and chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, Admiral Mike Mullen, announced they will present an “implementation plan” to U.S. lawmakers next Tuesday, carefully drafting the best strategy for repealing the ban without hurting the delicate “morale or readiness” of the troops, whose cohesion may be hanging by a single sexually straight thread.
You see, Robert Gates has long voiced his concerns over lifting the ban too hastily, which has been proudly discriminating against gays and lesbians, since the early 1990s. Yay!
Now you don’t want to just rush in and uproot a terrible and embarrassing blight on equality in one fell swoop. There needs to be order, discipline, and a slow, steady pace when righting a decades-old wrong.
Let’s not forget that the 1948 executive order for racial integration in the military took five years to implement and that was just black people! Which is waaaaay less creepy and threatening than a gay in uniform. Just ask Robert Gates.
“I’m not saying that’s a model for this, but I’m saying that I believe this is something that needs to be done very, very carefully,” Gates said in a speech last year at the Army War College in Carlisle, Pennsylvania.
That way, people can slowly get used to the idea of diversity and acceptance, even if it means sharing a water fountain, classroom, bus, cubicle, or heavens forbid, a professional sports team, with ummm, shall we say, a person on the opposite side of the color spectrum.
Same goes for the more rainbowy hue, whose lives of sin and iniquity have to be LITERALLY SHOVED in the face of us normal, God-fearing folk trying to protect the country. By law!
But what kind of terrible ripple effect will allowing soldiers to be open about their total gayness have? Surely, all this truth and honesty will break such a delicate, fragile force, stretched thin by two fruitless (and let’s keep it that way??) wars and the loss of more than 10,500 service members for violating the DADT policy in the last ten years!
I mean, the entire military’s command structure relies on trust! What’s going to happen when suddenly soldiers, officers, and commanders stop lying and start being honest with each other about who they are and who they love?
Just imagine the chaos and confusion that will ensue when people are forced to actually tolerate each others’ differences instead of beating and hazing that one flaming faggot in their unit within inches of his life?
I, for one, do not want to be around for the day when a soldier is forced to room with someone who is openly gay and has the same reproductive organs. **Shudder!**
Or for the day when convicted felons, gang members, drug users, high-school dropouts, and those with “serious criminal misconduct” in their background are no longer welcome, and instead turned away, while gays and lesbians are free to romp through the barracks, having their wicked way with decent, hardworking men and women of the U.S. Armed Services, and destroying the very fabric of the great nation.
The strictly black and white, no shades of gray, sexually pure, one man plus one woman hetero fabric that makes this country the kind of fair and just leader of the free world, who openly discriminates against the scourge of homosexuality, it strives so hard to be.
Just like those other two bastions of freedom and equality, Russia and China.
Another day, another prime-time opportunity for President Barack Obama to embarrass the entire Republican Party on live national teevee! Hooray!
Surprising? Not really. Warranted? Most definitely.
It’s all part of President Obama and the the Democrats’ well-meaning plan to try and portray Republicans (correctly) as deviant, power-hungry obstructionists who ruin everything and care about nothing (‘cept of course money, oil, and other assorted riches of the right).
Which is why Barry decided to take a gander over to the ol’ lion’s den, known as the Republican House Caucus, himself to chat mano-a-mano with his bitter rivals in the Grand Old Party of NO.
Rivals like orange glow-in-the-dark House Minority Leader John Boehner (R-OH) who Obama thanked for the invitation by quipping, “You know what they say, keep your friends close, but visit the Republican Caucus every few months.”
HAHAHAHAHAHA!! Get it?? Cause that’s like his enemy!
So, President Obama met with House Republicans at their annual group sex therapy rehab session policy retreat in Baltimore to have a nice, polite, bipartisan discussion about why the GOP has been acting like a bunch of lunatic nutjobs ever since a certain chocolate-hued menace assumed the presidency.
“Having differences of opinion, having a real debate about matters of domestic policy and national security, that’s something that’s not only good for our country, it’s absolutely essential,” Obama said.
But acting like a bunch of unhinged douchebags every time the proposes a sound, sensible policy to help struggling Americans (even if it’s in line with GOP principles), is not exactly what Obama would call good leadership or savvy politics.
“If you were to listen to this debate, and frankly how some of you went after this bill, you’d think that this thing was some Bolshevik plot–I mean, that’s how you guys presented it.”
“If the way these issues are being presented by the Republicans is that this is some wild-eyed plot to impose huge government in every aspect of our lives, what happens is that you guys don’t have a lot of room to negotiate with me.”
“The fact of the matter is, many of you, if you voted with the administration on something, are politically vulnerable with your own base, with your own party because what you’ve been telling your constituents is, “This guy’s doing all kinds of crazy stuff that’s going to destroy America.’”
“We have seen some party-line votes that have been disappointing. I didn’t understand then, and I still don’t understand, why we got opposition in this caucus for almost $300 billion in badly needed tax cuts for the American people.”
“A lot of you have gone to ribbon cuttings for the same projects that you voted against. I say all this not to re-litigate the past, but it’s simply to state, the component parts of the recovery act are consistent with what many of you say are important things to do.”
Wait, are you saying sending the president back to Kenya was part of the recovery effort??
Then came the really interesting part, in which Obama began fielding questions from caucus members, only to turn the Republicans’ questions against them again and again in typical Obama smackdown fashion, accusing the GOP of obstructing legislation for political purposes and offering solutions that won’t work.
“I’ve read your legislation. I take a look at this stuff. And the good ideas we take.”
But considering you’re a bunch of brainless neanderthals, there’s not much to take anyway.
“I am not an ideologue. I’m not,” Obama said.”It doesn’t make sense if somebody could tell me you could do this cheaper and get increased results, that I wouldn’t say ‘great.’ The problem is, I couldn’t find credible economists that would back up the claims that you just made.”
And no, sorry, Orly Taitz does not count as a credible economist, so it’d best for everyone if she just stuck to her blossoming real estate agent-attorney-dentist-birther leader career.
“So all I’m saying is, we’ve gotta close the gap a little bit between the rhetoric and the reality.”
Asked if he had time for more questions, Obama said he wasn’t in any hurry to leave since he was having so much fun manhandling these idiots so up close and personal. Bring ‘em on!
“I’m having fun,” Obama said. “This is great.”
God, it feels good to be right!
Less so for Rep. Jeb Hensarling (who the f??), whose rambling, nonsensical question about spending was naturally met with all the respect such an important, noble question should command.
After interrupting him right in the middle of his red-faced incoherent rant and coming thisclose to actually getting his name right, Obama proceeded to respond.
“Jim (Jim, Jeb, what’s the diff?), I know there’s a question in there somewhere,” Obama said.”Because you’re making a whole bunch of assertions in there, half of which I disagree with, and I’m having to sit here listening to it. At some point I know you’re gonna let me answer it.”
Awww, snap! Jimbo done got played!
But, don’t worry, because Republicans, like Arizona Rep. Jeff Flake, know the event helped his party by showing that Republicans have offered alternatives to Obama’s plans, other than their newly unveiled strategy, “hell no” and “drop dead.”
“The real effort here was to convince people out there that we have offered solutions, we’ve offered things,” Flake said. “For him to say, ‘Yes, I’ve read your proposal; it’s a substantive proposal’ — that’s good. That’s a huge thing for Republicans.”
Think about it! For the president of the United States to actually say, Yes, I’ve read your legislation (if we can even call it that) and it’s pretty much the total piece of sh*t everyone thought it was, is as good as it gets. Huge! Huuuuuuge, I tell ya!
What’d you think, they call him Flake for nothing?
Yes, the GOP is alive and well, my friends!
 Any more questions?
Well folks, it’s been one whole year since Barack Obama rode a wave of hope and goodwill to become America’s first semi-colored president before disappointing us all with the harsh reality that he is not in fact Superman, and as such, does not have the magical ability to don a cape and instantly wipe away the world’s woes with a single wave of his perfectly smooth hand.
Ha ha loser!
If you’re not drunk, or in the process of voluntarily losing millions of brain cells, my condolences. You should be. Makes the whole State-of-the-Union thing that much more palatable. No one wants to watch Congress act like one big retarded wind-up doll for 60 never-ending minutes; try it sober and you’ll understand what torture really is (aside from having ice-cold bottles of water poured over your head in a luxurious blindfold upside-down spa bath).
So what does President Barack Obama have to say for himself nearly one year after he FAILED to transform this nation from bankrupt Bushwhacked pariah to prosperous global piiiimp?
Surely, he’ll will hit up all the key words and phrases we Americans expect, no, make that need to hear from our leader in order to feel good about about our obese, capitalist, consumer-driven way of life once again. U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!
Words that make people burst from their seats in a wild surge of patriotic pride and affection, and also the intrinsic need to not be the one a-hole grimacing like a douchebag (think Joe Lieberman) when the President of the United States says things like “jobs creation” and “educating the youth.”
Everyone, except Republicans, who only stand and cheer for phrases like “war,” “terror,” “Wall Street” and of course, their personal favorites, anything with the words “nuclear” or “profit” in it. You wanna see a Republican get really excited and instantly turn into an energizer bunny? Just whisper the words “oil” or “drill” into their ear and see what happens. They go nuts for it!
Unlike those Supreme statues in the front who wear their finest mumus and poker faces and DO NOT stand for anybody under any circumstances whatsoever.
Seriously, Obama can stand literally ten feet in front of the entire front-row of sitting Supreme Court Justices and call out them out for being the terrible 1,000 year old human beings that they are (‘cept for that Soto chick he picked), and reversing a century of legal precedent allowing corporations and other special interests to spend–without limit–in our elections. Meaning Morgan Stanley (the investment bank) will now be able to spend the same amount as Stanley Morgan (the check-out guy at the local grocery store) to help decide the next U.S. president. Hooray!
And yet the fancy pants mannequins in the front row remain stoic and motionless, trying so very hard to not make any gestures or show the slightest trace of emotion, for fear their deep secret of being actual humans may be revealed.
Which isn’t as easy as it sounds! Oh no, there goes Samuel Alito doing the opposite of “not making a gesture,” by shaking his head, mouthing “not true, not true” in what can only be described as a desperate attempt to appeal to all those South Carolinians pining for another Joe Wilson-like hero with Tourettes to rescue America from these terrible NObama lies.
But, alas, those good old days are long gone, now that health care is dead and the economy is dead and Ted Kennedy is dead, and hope and change are as dead as the dickens and our miserable failure of a leader is forced to go before a gathering of hungry predators (Congress) to give some pathetic excuse about why it only took him 12 months to ruin the country when it took George W. Bush eight whole years to destroy America.
“At the beginning of the last decade, the year 2000, America had a budget surplus of over $200 billion. By the time I took office, we had a one-year deficit of over $1 trillion and projected deficits of $8 trillion over the next decade. Most of this was the result of not paying for two wars, two tax cuts, and an expensive prescription drug program…All this was before I walked in the door.”
Whoa, whoa wait just a minute there, fellow! Are you implying that the presidency of George W. Bush Junior is to blame for the financial mess we’re in? What a terribly impolite thing to say about the former president of these United States! How dare you even mention the great #43, let alone use something as RUDE and ELITIST as actual facts.
“Too many Americans have lost faith in our biggest institutions: our corporations, our media, and yes, our government…It’s time to try something new: let’s invest in our people without leaving them mountains of debt.”
Hmmm, go on?
“By the time I’m finished speaking tonight, more Americans will have lost their coverage.” Wooohooo!! Oh wait…that’s a bad thing, right?
“Here’s what I ask Congress, though: Don’t walk away from reform. Not now. Not when we are so close. Let us find a way to come together and finish the job for the American people. Let’s get it done.”
Okay, now everyone cheer for America. And freedom! And diversity! And working together to solve problems and make America a better place! YAY!!!
Wonder where he’s going with all this hippie-dippie, love your neighbor crazy talk?
“This year, I will work with Congress and our military to finally repeal the law that denies gay Americans the right to serve the country they love because of who they are. It’s the right thing to do.”
Arrrrggghhh! Oh no, not more freedom and equality sh*t like letting the gays also have a chance to die in war. It makes the military brass very uncomfortable and everyone knows their comfort is far more important than constitutional rights or having military personnel with the ability to translate Arabic into a civilized language like English. Heterosexual English, that is.
“From the day I took office, I’ve been told that addressing our larger challenges is too ambitious; such an effort would be too contentious…our political system is too gridlocked, and that we should just put things on hold for a while.”
“You see, Washington has been telling us to wait for decades, even as the problems have grown worse…Well, I do not accept second place for the United States of America.”
You hear that people? Silver is for losers like the Chinese or British. Gold is for winners like Glenn Beck and the rest of the Fox News team head over heels for the shiny metal of champions.
“I campaigned on the promise of change–change we can believe in, the slogan went. And right now, I know there are many Americans who aren’t sure if they still believe we can change–or that I can deliver it.”
“But remember this–I never suggested that change would be easy, or that I could do it alone. Democracy in a nation of 300 million people can be noisy and messy and complicated. And when you try to do big things and make big changes, it stirs passions and controversy.”
“We have finished a difficult year. We have come through a difficult decade. But a new year has come…We don’t quit. I don’t quit. Let’s seize this moment–to start anew, to carry the dream forward and to strengthen our union once more.”
In other words, Democrats: thank you, and please continue trying to solve problems. Republicans: drop dead. Problem solved!
Now, that’s change we can all believe in!
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Democralypse Now is an equal-opportunity satirist exposing stupidity in government and politics, one hilariously scathing post at a time. Like Stephen Colbert, only hotter.
