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WWJD? "Man Up, Accept Responsibility, & Let The Poor Bastard's House Burn Like A Good Christian Martyr!"

What Would Jesus Do? Let the broke-ass motherf**ker burn baby burn!

I mean what the hell else would El Savior do? Grab a hose, start sprayin’ and save a family’s home, three dogs, a cat, and the now-charred, still-smoldering remains of any human decency still existing in the world??

Wake up, junior! There’s no such thing as a free lunch or a fire-free home, got it?

Just ask Bryan Fischer over at the American Family Association, your friendly neighborhood wingnut Evangelist group dedicated to restoring proper Christian decency and morals back to America, mostly by warning against the hideous disease of Gay People, while secretly hiring online male prostitutes to umm, lend a helping hand lugging their heavy loads (of baggage only!) during an all-expense paid 10-day sexcation spreading the The Good Book and BoyToy69 all over Socialist Europe. Well that and every other assorted sordid tale of Jeebus-lovers, family values frauds, and weird sex freaks, saying insane things before getting caught doing the very insane things they were ranting about in the first place!

Usually it’s just wretched (though irresistibly tempting) queers, and of course, your African/Mexican/Darkskinican, but lately, Christ’s loyal Salvation Army has focused its righteous attention on another evil scourge upon the pure Kingdom of God’s white Christian America: the lazy, pathetic, good-for-nothin’, free-loadin’ poors!

Because Bryan Fischer here clearly has the authority on what The Holy Son himself, Jesus Would Have Done, if He were faced with a raging blaze at some pov’s dirty trailer home, who hadn’t paid their annual $75 fee to be rescued from terrible house fires. And, Christ knows, it ain’t giving holy water handouts to every dumb schlub in dire need of it. Hell no!

Compassion?? Puh-lease! Whaddya think, Jesus was some librul girly fag or something?

I’ll tell you something else Jesus would do and that is put bright white text on a black background to really emphasize the truth about how “Firefighters did the Christian thing in letting house burn to the ground.” Why, of course they did!

The fire department did the right and Christian thing. The right thing, by the way, is also the Christian thing, because there can be no difference between the two. The right thing to do will always be the Christian thing to do, and the Christian thing to do will always be the right thing to do.

Like owning slaves, treating women as property, throwing widowed old witch(?) ladies into the river and/or fire pit to see if they float or burn, respectively, condemning adulterers to death by stoning, and all the other wonderful right, Christian values the Holy Bible enlightens us mere mortals about!

In this case, critics of the fire department are confused both about right and wrong and about Christianity. And it is because they have fallen prey to a weakened, feminized version of Christianity that is only about softer virtues such as compassion and not in any part about the muscular Christian virtues of individual responsibility and accountability.

Jesus isn’t some pussyfoot, soft-spoken gaywad here, people! Get those daisies out of your ears! God doesn’t love you, God loves wingnut libertarianism and making children suffer to make a point about government expenditure. Everything else is just GAY, GAY, GAY, got it hippies?

“It’s frankly odd to see the Christian community blame the fire department for something that was somebody else’s fault,” Fischer writes. “I’m used to hearing that from liberals, socialists, and Marxists, but not from followers of Christ.” OMG, isn’t this guy the best??

The left, of course, has grabbed the “What would Jesus do?” mantra – as if they really cared about anything Jesus would do – and used that as a cudgel. Friends in the faith community have likewise taken aim, saying that they too know what Jesus would do.

HAHA, the fools! As if the arugula-eating elitist COMMIES on the Left know a damn thing about what Jesus would or would not do when faced with a raging fire at some poor slob’s trailer home.

Jesus does not have compassion, nor does he have time for freeloaders who don’t pay their firefighting dues! He was put on this Earth by God himself to teach humanity the cold, hard lessons about personal responsibility, the evils of taxing the rich, and the shame of being a poor, dumb deadbeat. This could not be clearer!

It’s a strange thing to hear evangelicals saying we ought to take resources without permission from responsible citizens (the ones who had been faithfully paying their fire protection premiums) and use them to bail out the irresponsible ones.

Hmmm, yes I suppose it is strange to hear evangelicals make a cogent, coherent argument about anything. But the point is, the firefighters could not under any circumstances have saved the house and then charged the guy after they were done fulfilling their supposed duty of extinguishing raging conflagrations at people’s places of residence. Saving a man’s house and pets is NOT the Christian way! Fischer knows this because he is better, infinitely more manly, and closer to Jesus than you are!

Well, as long as we’re speculating on what Jesus would do in this situation, I’m as entitled as anyone.
What would Jesus do? That’s easy. He’d tell Mr. Cranick, “Man up, accept full and total responsibility, and don’t blame anybody but yourself for what happened. That’s the Christian thing to do. And next time, Gene, pay the 75 bucks, all right?”

OMG, totes! “Man up!” and “Gene, pay the 75 bucks” are two of Jesus’ favorite catch-phrases! Nevermind the whole “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you,” “Love one another,” “Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven,” “Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth” hullabaloo.

What Jesus really meant was “Don’t screw with municipal government, pay your freakin’ firefighter dues, & learn how to pick yourself up by your own darn bootstraps, ya pathetic, miserable, good-for-nothin’ Socialist wretches!”

Because the real Kingdom of Heaven is in Obion County, Tennessee, where firefighters will heroically come to your burning home and watch in sadistic delight as the flames engulf your family’s home, three living pets, while the sadsack owner begs, pleads, and offers to pay whatever it takes for you to spare his one Earthly possession & save his home from burning to the ground.

“They coulda’ been saved if they put water on it. But they didn’t do it,” the home’s owner, Gene Cranick said.

That’s because Jesus died for your sins and now wants you to suffer mercilessly for all of time for failing to be more diligent about paying $75  firefighter service fees.

How many times do you need to be told, God does not love, and He certainly does not forgive. So, remember, “Blessed are the rich and privileged, for they will always be righteous when not coming to the aid of the poor and suffering.”

And the next time you find yourself at some great moral crossroads, unsure of the good and righteous thing to do, simply put your faith in the good Lord above, and ask yourself the timeless question, What Would Jesus Destroy?

2 comments to WWJD? “Man Up, Accept Responsibility, & Let The Poor Bastard’s House Burn Like A Good Christian Martyr!”

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