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What’s The Scariest Thing To Come Out Of Kentucky? No, Not The New Double Down, Rand Paul, Silly!

Howdy y’all! By now, I’m sure you’ve heard the wonderful news about how Libertarian hero Ron Paul’s more insane, even wingnuttier son, Rand Paul, won the Republican Senate nomination in good, ol’ colonel-fried Kentucky.

Which is VERY EXCITING news, if like Paul, you too are a right wing extremist who really, really, really despises the evil, terrible government, would like nothing more than to abolish the totally unnecessary Department of Education, Federal Reserve, or taxes of any sort, and are still not fully sold on the whole desegregation/equal rights for blacks thing.

Because, these are the types of enlightened, 21st century views that the good, God-fearin’ folks in Kentucky really go for! And if all goes well, i.e. his Democratic opponent believes black people deserve equal treatment under the law or women should have control over their own bodies, (oooh, keep your fingers crossed!), Rand Paul may just find himself well on his way to becoming America’s first real Tea Party Senator.

No offense to Scott Brown, who despite the naked Cosmo photo spread, just doesn’t have that special kind of Crazy required to be a true Tea Party Patriot and human bag of caffeinated herbs ‘n spice. Better luck next time?

Well, it didn’t take long for Rand to find himself in hot water (bobbing like ‘baggers do) for his totally reasonable Libertarian belief that the government should keep their grubby paws out of the private sector and stop forcing businesses to not be racist. Which is a very revolutionary view…for 1910!

I mean, it’s not as if Rand doesn’t like the Civil Rights Act of 1964, one of the greatest accomplishments of the 20th century, basically banning whites-only lunch counters, discrimination in hiring, promotions, hotels, restaurants, and effectively desegregating the South.

It’s just that he doesn’t think the stupid government should be telling private businesses whether (or not) they should be allowed to put up a big, ol’ Whites Only sign, if they feel like it.

INTERVIEWER: Would you have voted for the Civil Rights Act of 1964?
PAUL: I like the Civil Rights Act in the sense that it ended discrimination in all public domains, and I’m all in favor of that.
INTERVIEWER: But?
PAUL: You had to ask me the “but.” I don’t like the idea of telling private business owners—I abhor racism. I think it’s a bad business decision to exclude anybody from your restaurant—but, at the same time, I do believe in private ownership.

You see, Rand is not even the slightest bit racist, in fact he ABHORS racism, he just simply believes that businesses should be allowed to have the choice whether or not to be racist.

That’s what freedom’s all about, people!!

Much like his hero Dr. Martin Luther King (big fan, big fan!), Rand too has a dream. A dream where businesses are free to exclude all the gays or blacks or Jews or Mexicans or what have you they want, because this is what “free society” is all about, even if it means telling ol’ Dr. King to scram his black ass the hell out your pure, white store.

INTERVIEWER: But under your philosophy, it would be okay for Dr. King not to be served at the counter at Woolworths?
PAUL: I would not go to that Woolworths, and I would stand up in my community and say that it is abhorrent, um, but, the hard part—and this is the hard part about believing in freedom—is, if you believe in the First Amendment, for example—you have too, for example, most good defenders of the First Amendment will believe in abhorrent groups standing up and saying awful things. . . . It’s the same way with other behaviors. In a free society, we will tolerate boorish people, who have abhorrent behavior.

Hmmm, let’s see an example of what those “boorish people” Rand Paul believes a free society must tolerate:

Freedom looks like the bomb, yo!

So you see people, it’s really quite simple. Rand Paul despises racism, hates it from deep within his caring (whites-only) soul, but, at the same time, wants to allow businesses to be racist. He wouldn’t go to that particular business of course, because of all its racism etc, and knows in his Confederate heart that no one else in America would patron such a terrible segregated establishment. But he nonetheless believes in the possibility that somewhere, someone could open up a racist business or restaurant before instantly going bankrupt and being forced to close because no one likes its racist food or souvenirs, or whatever bigoted trinkets are being sold.

Ideally, a racist business could exist, but only in that one nanosecond of time before it was forced to shutter its windows because no one would go to such such a terrible, racist establishment in this perfect, utopian color-blind world we currently live in. Especially in Kentucky!

It’s the perfect balance between maximum individual freedom and minimum collective racism!

See, it’s so simple!

Sure, Rand Paul did have to fire his campaign spokesman Chris Hightower for a comment posted on his MySpace page around Martin Luther King Day that read: “HAPPY N***ER DAY!!!” above a photo of a black man being lynched. Oh, and Hightower, who was also the frontman of a local Megadeth-style metal band called Commander, wrote a very nice little post referring to “Afro-Americans” titled “Blacks don’t like my Napalm Death hoodie:”

“So, I was in Rivergate Mall today in line to get some pizza and I noticed a group of Afro-Americans were looking at me with hate and whispering stuff. I was wondering WTF and proceeded to sit facing them and give them the ‘what the fuck are you looking at look.’ Anyway after a few snarls they quit looking at me. I was like do these fuckers think I am someone else or what? Anyway I finished my food and went to find some new shoes. About 10 minutes later, another group of Afro-Americans are giving me the same looks, it then dawns on me, there has to be something on this hoodie that is pissing off the Afro-Americans. And sure enough when I get outside the mall I look and bingo. KKK …. LOL!”

OH, HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! That guy’s hilarious!

Surely, Dr. Rand Paul must have thought so?

“The images were not placed there by this employee but by someone posting on the site. These images in no way represent Dr. Paul or his campaign nor do they represent the beliefs of this staff member. These images are reprehensible and have no place in civil discourse.”

Of course they don’t!

According to Paul himself, “I have never heard a single utterance of racism from this staffer nor do I believe him to have any racist tendencies. However, it is impossible to present the ideas and reforms we need in this country with this controversy present. Therefore I have accepted his resignation.”

Ooooh, I get it now! Rand Paul is not racist; just crazy! Crazy like a Republican ‘Doubling Down’ on the fact that he also happens to live in the birthplace of CRAZY, where heart attacks don’t just happen, but come deep fried, smothered in secret spices, and served in a delicious variety bucket with a side of biscuits ‘n slaw.

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