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What About Us?? Obama Assures Neglected Dems He Loves Them Too (In Spite of Being Massive Failures)

Jealous that the Socialist president everybody despises but secretly wants to jump into bed with, Barack Obama, spent some Quality Time alone with the terrible House Republicans during their group sex therapy rehab session policy retreat, the Democrats are now demanding Barry come to their powwow and bash them for being a bunch of pussy failures who ruin everything, too!

Of course, the historic Newseum in Washington DC isn’t nearly as exciting as the Republicans’ secret (sex?) bunker in Baltimore, but what do you expect from the party who thinks having an overwhelming majority means acting like a petrified minority with nary a legislative trick to stop them from being completely steamrolled by the scary Republican minority juggernaut, whom they outnumber 59-41? Yikes!

So, Barry is forced to go before his very competent and functional, brave Democratic party members to remind them yet again that George W. Bush is no longer president and, as such, they no longer have to hide quivering behind the inflatable Ronny Reagan blow-up doll Rahmbo brought in case of emergency. Like John McCain in the midst of one of his signature meltdowns (after embarrassing himself on live teevee again!) or Chuck Grassely scouring desperately for another teet to suckle (watch out, Nancy!).

Special thanks to the bravery of Barney Frank, who so generously volunteered his services to ensure all Democratic men are safe (at least for the time being) from the wide-stance ways of notorious man-tail hunter, Sen. Larry Craig.

So, everybody was all excited about President Obama’s lovely pep talk with the Dems (especially Fox News), urging them that “we still have to lead” and not to give up, even after losing the filibuster-proof supermajority (they were too s-s-s-s-scared to take advantage of anyway). Hooray!

“All that’s changed in the last two weeks is that our party’s gone from having the largest Senate majority in a generation to the second largest Senate majority in a generation,” Obama said. “And we’ve gotta remember that.”

Then please feel free to squander it as you normally would.

But it wasn’t all lectures and disappointment on Obama’s end. No sir-ee! Barry even found some way to work in some praise and a few, “job well dones” or at least “job well trieds.”

Like thanking the Democrats for not giving up in the face of unrelenting Republican obstructionism (and idiocy), and praising them for overcoming “enormous procedural obstacles that are unprecedented” in modern times, noting the fact that they cast more filibuster-breaking votes last year than in the entire 1950s and 1960s combined (so, at least they have more balls than the hippies?).

“That’s 20 years of obstruction packed into just one…We extend a hand and all we get is a fist in return.”

Time to put up your dukes, boys…and Nancy!

“I’ve said this before to this caucus, I want to say it again: for me it is constantly important to remind myself why I got into this in the first place…. You don’t get into this for the fame, for the title. You get into it because at some point in time there was an issue that made you want to stand up and be counted, to fight for something.”

Ehhh, not really. Unless changing the BCS rules counts, cause if so, then yes, hell yes!

“One of those issues being healthcare (Doh!): Well here we are, with a chance to change it…. As we think about moving forward, I hope we don’t lose sight of why we’re here. We’ve got to finish the job on health care. We’ve got to finish the job on financial regulatory reform. We’ve got to finish the job even though it’s hard.”

“If everyone here turned off their CNN, their Fox, turn off the TV, blogs (no!) and go out and meet real people … they don’t care quite frankly about majorities and minorities. We’ve got to get out of the echo chamber. That was a mistake I made last year, I didn’t get out of here enough.”

Hear that? Away from you freakshows and your echo chambers. Away, awaaay, awwaaaayy, awwwaaaaaayyyyy, awwwwaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyy…

“What I’m not open to is a decision to stay on the sidelines and then assign blame. I have little patience for the kinds of political calculations that says the benefit of blocking everything is greater than the cost of doing nothing. That basically says if you lose, I win.”

Well, Barry don’t play that game, biaaatch!

But before he bid adieu, President Obama urged Democrats not to shrivel up like a wilting flower after losing their magical 60th Senate seat in January’s Massachusetts special “incompetence edition” election.

“If anybody’s searching for a lesson from Massachusetts, I promise you, the answer is not to do nothing.”

It is to run like hell, shrieking at the top of your lungs and hoping, no, make that praying, that a certain Cosmo model from Massachusetts by the name of Scott Brown, doesn’t mow you flat over in his gas-guzzling, macho pickup truck careening through New England en route to Washington, DC, where he will sit proudly atop Teddy Kennedy’s ol’ bones and contemplate the best way to rape ride his legacy full steam into the White House Oval Office.

Which, unlike NObama’s hideous chocolate-hued mug, actually matches the lovely shape (not to mention color!) of his aesthetically beautiful, perfectly symmetrical face.

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