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True Love Never Dies, It Dresses Like Jehovah's Witnesses & Graces Gossip Magazine Covers

L is for Levi? Love? Lies?

Legend of the Snowy North and fearless leader of mama Grizzlies the world over, Sarah Palin awoke one Alaskan morning to quite a surprise from one of her own precious little cubs, whose lovable mug was splashed all over the lamestream tabloid Us Weekly announcing the wonderful, earth shattering news that Alaska’s favoritest star-crossed lovers Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston will, at long last, be making their deep bond official in the eyes of the Lord and legal system.

This is wonderful news, America! And everyone is very excited for these two bright eyed young patriots trying so hard to navigate through the murky waters of teenage parenthood and true love, all under the blinding glare of the media they solicited when exclusively announcing their secret wedding plans to the world!

But what does Mama Bear, the only reason this charming couple is seemingly of any interest to anyone anywhere, think about all this gossip fodder about her little grizzly cub and new, life-altering choice to follow in her footsteps? Perhaps she offered her daughter some sage wisdom and heartfelt advice about these difficult decisions like whether to run away and elope, or come out as a couple on the cover of America’s fave teen gloss, Us, to which Mother has a subscription gracing the coffee table back home in Wasilla, and is likely how she found out about her eldest daughter’s upcoming plans to tie the noose knot with high school hottie Levi.

Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston say that Sarah Palin has been kept in the dark about their plans…until now.

“We got engaged two weeks ago,” 19-year-old Bristol Palin told Us Weekly. “It felt right, even though we don’t have the approval of our parents.”

Says Bristol, “It is intimidating and scary just to think about what her reaction is going to be. Hopefully she will jump on board.”

But she’ll probably just pump us full of lead and toss us overboard instead. Because Sarah Palin does not forgive nor does she forget. Christian virtue or not, forgiveness is simply not in her! But what is in her, is issuing underhanded, passive-aggressive statements to Good Morning America, swiping at ex-baby daddy’s turned soon-to-be baby daddy hubbies by “praying” for them, and alluding to “struggling” with things like compassion and forgiveness.

“As parents, we obviously want what is best for our children, but Bristol is ultimately in charge of determining what is best for her and her beautiful son.

Like choosing to consecrate their deep, star-crossed Arctic love by dressing like Jehovah Witness proselytizers and appearing on the cover of popular tween tabloids for all the world to see.

“Bristol believes in redemption and forgiveness to a degree most of us struggle to put in practice in our daily lives. We pray that, as a couple, Bristol and Levi’s relationship matures into one that will allow Tripp to grow up graced with two loving parents in his life.”

Or at least until they both get filthy rich (just like mama!) making moose piles of money off their reality show and one of them tragically falls off the Bridge To Nowhere and Tripp is once again reduced to boring, untelevised existence with a single, abstinence-crusading mom and loving Grandmama, whose apocalyptic nightmare of her own flesh and blood marrying into a liberal-media-sympathizing, truth telling, blog writing, criminally troubled fellow Arctic family, is fortunately now floating face down in the frozen Arctic waters off Prince William Sound.

Because you don’t need to be a brilliant, former half-term governor like Sarah to know that only dead fiances fish go with the flow.

“He’s a kid. He’s misguided,” Sarah Palin said of Johnston in November. “I can’t wait until he comes back on that right road of wanting to be part of the family and Tripp’s life. It’s going to be good.”

Good as dead. Mwhahahahahahaha!

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