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Torture, Pig Flu, Sleeping Economists, Oh My!

Hollywood Squares, Crazy Global Edition!

What a week it’s been here in the good ol’ USA. That is, if you’ve managed to survive the latest import from our friendly southern neighbor (and not fun illegal stuff like drugs), but the lovely swine flu outbreak. Gracias Mexico! Nothing’s sexier than dirty pig disease.

If you still have your health, congratulations, you’re in for a real treat.

Let’s start at the top, with our old friend John S. McCain, proud father of world famous blogger Meghan McCain and America’s resident torture expert. Now Johnny admits that torture is bad and terrible and all (though it does make a GREAT story), but he also knows now is not the time to settle old political scores. It is time to put this whole thing behind us and move forward.

After all, the U.S. did make a commitment never to do this again (ok ok, so they forgot the whole “Geneva Convention” thing but no biggie), and Johnny knows no administration would ever lie. They promised. So there is no need to criminalize or hold anyone accountable for their actions because justice has already been served in the court of public opinion. So let’s just forget it and “move on” and if you don’t like it, he will be happy to give you the old Hanoi treatment and staple your god damn tongue to your stupid head.

Meanwhile, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad continued his tenure as the world’s most dapper bearded madman by saying he’s ready to back a two-state solution in the Middle East if the Palestinians approve a peace agreement with Israel.

“Whatever decision they take is fine with us…we will support that.” he said. “We are not going to determine anything.”

Which sounds normal enough–if it wasn’t for the one tiny little problem of Israel’s existence and his repeated calls for it to be “wiped off the map.” Other than that, denying the Holocaust, the occasional Zionist rant, and his country’s secret nuclear aspirations, all is good with Mahmoud. Trust me, his word is bond.

Next we have bestselling author and arugula-eating elitist (aka contributor to the New Yorker), Malcolm Gladwell explaining why America is headed to the toilet and why Asians (especially Koreans) are so much better than dumb behemoths like you and me. Hint: It has something to do with being obsessed with ourselves, not to mention selfish, slothful and lazy, while our Asian counterparts diligently work together as they quietly take over the world.

Which brings us to Lawrence Summers, Obama’s top economic adviser and notorious “serial dozer.” Sure, you’ve seen him yawning, you’ve seen him sleeping, and now you can see him talking. There, you will learn that it is not President Obama’s speeches that cause “Summy” to immediately lapse into REM sleep, but rather the mind-blowingly boring credit card companies and their stupid fine print. But don’t worry, Mr. Summers is monitoring the situation very carefully and is confident the Obama administration is on the right path.

“There’s work that needs to be done, but we’re in a good position to provide the support and set the framework in which the banking system can move along the process of recovery and…Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Oh, ooops. He’ll be ready right after a little 20 minute power nap.

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