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There's Nothing Fishy 'Bout This Barracuda's Big Oil, Barack Obama Bed-Sharing Bombshell!

It’s never easy to tell exactly what $arah Louise Palin is saying, what with her total narcissism, rudimentary understanding of the English language, and various side ventures trying to make even more moose piles of money for her favoritest person, $arah Louise Palin!

But apparently, America’s #1 unemployed defender of the freedom to spill, baby spill! luxurious British Petroleum up ‘n down America’s coasts, may have hinted at a possible presidential run in 2012 to anchor Chris Wallace on her favoritest Fox News over the weekend. Err, or at least as much as can be inferred from the self-centered, incoherent ramblings of a wandering Arctic drifter whose vast policy experiences include keeping a perfectly-mascarad eye on Mother Russia from her front porch, while teaching her 25 children about the joys of skinning and gutting a freshly-killed moose, elk, or absent baby-daddy’s pursuing porn careers.

“It really comes down to it’s not being about me, or what I want, or what I predict is gonna happen. … [I]f the voters of America are in the mood for a kind of unconventional, candid, honest public servant — it doesn’t necessarily have to be me — but if that’s what they’re in the mood for, they’re going to let that be known, and they’re going to help really propel and push that candidate forward, and then that candidate, of course, will make the decision whether to run or not. Don’t know if that’s going to me, Chris. … As I’ve always said, I’m not going to close any door that perhaps would be open.”

Ya know, sorta like the health care that’s needed to shore up the economy because it’s all about job creation right? Exactly the type of coy, evasive, semi-coherent, run-on response you’d expect from the one-time runner-up Miss Alaska turned former half-term governor turned full-time facebooker turned professional money-maker, with nary a spare moment to brush up on her English speaking skills, what with her crazy, sardine-packed schedule padding her bank account serving the American people.

But even a selfless patriot like $arah knows that if she is what the American people want, then she is exactly what they will get, because in Sarah’s mind(?), country always comes first. Or at least right after herself, her career, her bottom line, her perfect, off-limits family, her corporate sponsors, and even her totally justified avenging of any hapless schmuck dumb enough to cross the killer ‘Cuda, at any point before, after, or during her meteoric rise to fame and fortune, courtesy of her sweet, senile Granddaddy, Johnny Mac.

Locked ‘n loaded in her crosshairs is of course that terrible, arugula-eating community organizer from Kenya, Barack Hussein Obama, who smart $arah just knows is solely responsible for the delicious but devastating BP oil disaster, turning America’s Southern coastlines into a kid-friendly, oil-infused bubble bath complete with rubber duckies that float right to the top!

Much like how daughter Bristol’s drunk romp in the sack with Levi gave us a precious miracle of God named Tripp, Sarah is just positive that President NObama’s slutty bedding of Big Oil is behind this newest precious miracle of fact-based reality versus some idiotic Alaskan woman’s cute ‘n catchy campaign slogans.

Well, $arah wants to know why the elitist lamestream media is letting our illegal, oil-drenched, half-black, Muslim president get away with such monumental failures of leadership, and ridiculous, short-sighted policies as “drill, baby drill!” Those are her hard-earned, nonsensical ideas, God damn it!

“If there’s any connection there to President Obama taking so doggone long to get in there, to dive in there and grasp the complexity and the potential tragedy that we are seeing here in the Gulf of Mexico. Now if this was President Bush or if this were a Republican in office who hadn’t received as much support even as President Obama has from BP and other oil companies, you know the mainstream media would be all over his case.”

Oh hell yeah! Right on sister! Like when that swirling mass of God’s wrath over homosexuality and abortions called Hurricane Katrina hit New Orleans and President George W. Bush single-handedly saved the Big Easy from becoming the next Lost City of Atlantis by heading down South, and saving the whole drowning city using nothing more than a pair of fins, snorkel, jumbo-sized straw, and his unparalleled ability to suck. Or something like that.

White House spokesman Robert Gibbs fired back at Palin’s suggestions that Obama was somehow “in bed with big oil” because of 2008 campaign contributions, dismissing the notion as being almost as asinine as the person whose perfectly-lipsticked mouth it came out of.

Sarah Palin was involved in that election, but I don’t think, apparently, was paying a whole lot of attention,” Gibbs said. “I’m almost sure that the oil companies don’t consider the Obama administration a huge ally. We proposed a windfall profits tax when they jacked their oil prices up to charge for gasoline.”

“My suggestion to Sarah Palin would be to get slightly more informed as to what’s going on in and around oil drilling in this country.”

Eh, not sure that would jibe with her awesome, new plan to leave the precious ocean floor alone to avoid spillin’, baby spillin’, and instead start drillin’, baby drillin’ straight into the plentiful, massive, living, mobile oil storage units God blessed us with on his fifth day of Creation.

Why else would He fill the seas with all those dumb, blubber-filled whales?

For Moby-Dick?? Hahahahaha, more like so Moby-Ditz can keep her maverick lips lookin’ their glossy, shiny, wet ‘n wild, water-resistant, Beluga best, in any environment…man-made disasters, included!

You betcha!

2 comments to There’s Nothing Fishy ‘Bout This Barracuda’s Big Oil, Barack Obama Bed-Sharing Bombshell!

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