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The State Of The Union Is Strong Like...Smoked Salmon & Adult-Onset Diabetes!

Oooh, America, the excitement is in the air! Or maybe it’s just the toxic greenhouse gases slowly asphyxiating Mother Earth now that the Obama Administration up and fired (finally!) its only real environmentalist, fierce tree-hugging hippie, now former White House energy adviser, Carol M. Browner, because who the hell needs a planet anyway?

Certainly not America, the greatest, most perfectest, most star spanglediest, God-blessed nation to ever grace the face of the Earth in the history of mankind!

This is an absolute, indisputable fact. Barack Obama knows this, of course, because he is the President of this most blessed union, and as such, is uniquely equipped with the ability to judge these sorts of matters.

And, turns out, a whopping 92% of his fellow ‘mericans agree with him! They also approve of his special State of the Union speech about how America rocks the world even though we sometimes shoot our passionate, young elected officials in the head with high-capacity semi automatic weapons by accident in parched desert states where discrimination, bigotry and John McCain reign supreme.

It’s not our fault! It’s all the rhetoric’s fault. Just ask Sarah Palin’s crosshairs map or Sharron Angle’s 2nd Amendment remedies! They’ll tell you!

Anyhoo, where were we? Ah yes, America is the #1 bestest, most awesomest country in the whole wide world because of Sputnik (OMG, WAIT A MINUTE, THAT’S SOCIALISM, YOU COMMIE BASTARD!!!), and constantly re-inventing ourselves (ooooh like Madonna?) except through science and technology (he probably just means Facebook!), not cone-shaped bras and bad 80s pop music or whatever else makes esteemed Members of Congress sit or stand or applaud or fist pump or cringe or inappropriately shriek “You Lie!” from their respective locations in the back of the room.

Like all the really amazing-sounding SOTU stuff that makes Americans (who aren’t dressed like their favorite cup of Earl Grey) feel all warm ‘n caffeinated inside even if it doesn’t mean anything, at least not in terms of actual governance.

Things like, say, job creation (yay!), a competitive economy (oops, think a couple GOP veins just exploded!), gross gays getting the right to shave their heads and get shot in remote Muslim countries in the desert like the rest of the 100% straight-as-Andrew Shirvell soldiers in the U.S. Armed Forces (okay, that was awkward!), surging stock markets & rising corporate profits (good lord, Boehner’s already crying!), federal spending freezes (OH NO, Boehner’s booze tears are flooding the place!), something about how the schools in RED(!) China (gasp!) are soooo much better because they teach their students how to do MATH, not METH (nice try, though, Wasilla!), and teach them the necessary skills for success in the 21st century.

Like how to be a slutty (fake) Italian orange midget with low self-esteem and an IQ equivalent to one of the cheap plastic trinkets with a Made in China sign and an unsafe, unregulated amount of toxins we can’t stop buying with money we don’t have.

Ummm, quick let’s see what else before Boehner has a total nic fit right in front of everyone!

Oh yeah, America, is going to WIN THE MORNING! AND THE FUTURE! Because America was founded on innovation and ideas, like a negro slave is worth 3/5 of a human (hey, don’t blame me, blame the Constitution!), “clean coal technology” (because you can totally change the amount of carbon released by burning coal, amiright?), “renewable energy will create jobs” (at least 5-10 per person, scout’s honor!), how investing in a high-speed rail system (“faster than flying—without the pat-down!”) is more viable than the Republican plan of loading people into artillery and launching them cannonball style in the general direction of their desired location, and what to do about the Mexicans who live here (bomb them?). No, the president says! We need comprehensive immigration reform, even if a few bombs would be cheaper!

And most importantly Salmon jokes. Lots of ’em! Plucked fresh from the stream of Sarah Palin’s consciousness by a single, fell swoop of her Mama Grizzly claw!

“The Interior Department is in charge of salmon while they’re in fresh water, but the Commerce Department handles them when they’re in saltwater,” Obama said. “I hear it gets even more complicated once they’re smoked.”

Huh? Where’s the punchline?? Oh, hahahahaha! I get it! All the impending layoffs and salary freezes and out-of-work staffers at the Commerce and Interior departments because of evil bureaucracy, government regulation, ‘n deficits, ‘n stuff! HAHAHAHA, that’s hilarious!

Remember, America, we do BIG THINGS!

I mean, have you ever seen the Starbucks Trenta? Hell, have you ever measured some of the waistlines at a Glenn Beck rally??

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