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The Spy Who Shagged Me: General Petraeus Taken Out By Bizarre Love Triangle Not Bullets

Another day, another hot steamy CIA sexytime affair threatening to bring down more and more of the military’s brightest minds and busiest loins with each passing, sexually harassing, medal-and-misogynist-filled moment.

By now, I’m sure you all know about David Petraeus, the retired four-star general and (now former) director of the CIA, who made the terrible mistake of sexing up biographer (and gun model) Paula Broadwell without first realizing that she makes Glenn Close’s crazy character from Fatal Attraction look stable in comparison.

“Ten-Hut!” At ease soldier, there’s a lot to cover!

So Broadwell, whose novel, All In (Her Vajajay) gave her special VIP access to Petreaus’ private life and private parts suddenly gets all weird woman jealous on the General and sends a bunch of harassing emails to some bitch in Tampa telling her to back the f off her man, if she knows what’s good for her, ya dig?

“Who do you think you are? … You parade around the base … You need to take it down a notch.”

Well this has the mysterious Tampa Bay lady Jill Kelley all spooked that Paula is gonna go all Long Island Lolita or cross country diaper astronaut on her so she decides to forward the emails in question to her anonymous friend in the FBI to prevent herself from ending up on the back of a milk carton, or worse, featured in an after school special on Lifetime.

So Kelley’s as yet unnamed FBI agent friend then refers the emails to the agency’s cyber crimes unit, but this is where things start to get really weird. Like There’s Something About Mary type of weird.

The unnamed FBI agent apparently becomes so smitten with Tampa’s resident Femme Fatale Jill Kelley that he goes from anonymous-FBI scrub to creepy stalkerish dude sending unwanted shirtless sexytime pics to Kelley’s inbox, likely as a precursor to entering her other highly trafficked box.

Via the New York Times:

He had no training in cybercrime, was not part of the cyber squad handling the case and was never assigned to the investigation.

But the agent, who was not identified, continued to “nose around” about the case, and eventually his superiors “told him to stay the hell away from it, and he was not invited to briefings,” the official said…

Later, the agent became convinced — incorrectly, the official said — that the case had stalled. Because of his “worldview,” as the official put it, he suspected a politically motivated cover-up to protect President Obama. The agent alerted Eric Cantor, the House majority leader, who called the F.B.I. director, Robert S. Mueller III, on Oct. 31 to tell him of the agent’s concerns.

So basically the FBI is investigating harassment that’s connected to the director of the CIA having an affair, and one of its officers is stomping around Congress wearing nothing but his birthday suit, leaking the investigation to Newsmax, and telling Eric Cantor about the big bad conspiracy to keep the big bad black man  in office.

But the government professionalism does not stop there, don’t you worry!

From today’s Washington Post:

The FBI probe into the sex scandal that led to the resignation of CIA director David Petraeus has expanded to ensnare Gen. John R. Allen, the commander of U.S. and NATO troops in Afghanistan, the Pentagon announced early Tuesday.

Oh for the love of God, Petraeus was having sex with John Allen too?

According to a senior U.S. defense official, the FBI has uncovered between 20,000 and 30,000 pages of “potentially inappropriate” emails between Allen and Jill Kelley, a 37-year-old Tampa woman whose close friendship with Petraeus ultimately led to his downfall.

Oh okay, phew. Turns out it’s just that Petraeus’s biographer/bedmate sent scorned woman emails to Kelley, who was also sending THOUSANDS OF PAGES OF EMAIL back and forth with her own 4-star boy toy Gen. John Allen. All the while, Petraeus is still sending thousands of emails to Broadwell too, and pretty much everyone in the U.S. military is stuck in whatever terrible show is created when you cross Melrose Place with JAG.

Mitt Romney may have binders full of women, but thanks to the sluttiness of American’s most esteemed military minds, the FBI now has crates of emails — crates! — full of hot-blooded women.

And not just any women, but loosey-goosey ladies who will have have sex, or at the very least, have sex-mail with a guy who looks like this:

I know, right?

Hotttt! Besides, I thought repealing Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell was supposed to turn all our servicemen and women into one big rainbow-colored ball of gay? Where’s Adam and Steve when you need ‘em?

Chuck Klosterman, New York Times advice columnist, who may or may not have received a letter from Broadwell’s cuckolded husband, recently summed up his take on the sexytime scandal engulfing America’s military elite.

But you know what I learned from this? Nothing. I learned nothing. It’s just something that happened (and it just so happens that it happened to me). Life is crazy. But I already knew that last Thursday, and so did you.

Yup.

You know what they say, crazy in the head, crazy in the bed.

[image via Amazon/Wonkette]

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