Kids these days! When not pouring liquor into their eyeballs or guzzling bottles of hand sanitizer while planking off a guard rail 50 stories in the air, they’re doing CRAZY things like, oh I don’t know, coming to terms with their own scary, confusing (anything-but-homo)sexuality.
Like 14-year-old West Virginian and Glenn Beck/Rush Limbaugh/Pope Pius XIV-wannabee Caiden Cowger (not to be confused with his alter ego “Gayden Cowgirl”), who took to the airwaves to shriek and moan about his
least favoritest subject, the scapegoat everyone loves to hate, the dreaded, hell-bound “SICKENING” LesBiGays!
And not just sickening in a “I ate too many Doritos® Locos Tacos” kind of way. SICKENING in an ALL-CAPS BUTTSEX-TO-HELL kind of way!
“Homosexuality is a belief,” Cowger said during a May 26th broadcast. “It is not mandatory in that person…it is sickening. That person is not born that way, no matter what Lady Gaga says.”
More like Lady Gag me with a
spoon ball and call me Alejandro.
“I’m going to tell you this, guys: President Obama, Vice President Biden is [sic] making kids gay! Obama — if you are encouraging it, you are making kids gay.”
Just look at Gayden Cowgirl over here. Dude’s 14, from West Virginia, and isn’t even married yet! He must be gay!
“You are saying that it is all right to follow this belief, it is completely natural, there’s nothing wrong with it, it’s not immoral.”
As completely natural, normal, and moral as an awkward, angry, pubescent teen who’s never been intimate with anything, except maybe his microphone, reminding his fellow peers that sometimes, it gets worse.
After all, he was once actually “friends” with some kids who have since…wait for it…come out as **gasp** gay!
“About 30 teenagers in this county that I’m at that are homosexuals,” a “fact” that he finds “sickening.” “They were not homosexuals [then]. They just decided all of a sudden, ‘you know, I think I’m going to be gay.'”
They made a choice. Just like Caiden. Can’t you see how hard he’s trying to “choose” to be heterosexual?
But judging by his last 14 years, he might just want to go for one of his first cousins.
Though in West Virginia, I think they’re just called mom and dad.