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The GOP's Spectacular Special Election Failure, Round One (Of Many)

Oh sweet Jesus, this feels good! After months of agonizing GOP shrieks and wild bonfire dancing over the Democrats all-but-certain election Obamageddon, thanks to all the alleged GOP momentum following Scott Brown’s birthday suit surprise victory in Massachusetts, the time has come to laugh, baby laugh your liberal elitist arugula-eating asses off at what happens when Republican meets Reality.

And, let’s just say if you’re a proud member of the Grand Old Party of living fossils, it’s about as pretty as John Boehner’s tan is natural. Or say, Mitch McConnell’s face after learning that his handpicked successor to replace that a**hole with a fastball Jim Bunning, Trey Grayson, just got his rear end beer-battered and Kentucky fried right out of contention, in favor of an adorable redneck in Bermuda shorts by the name of Rand Paul, whose daddy Ron Paul is also a famous hero who hates taxes, abortions, and letting gays do gross, gayish things to each other.

So now that Rand Paul won the Republican primary in Kentucky all by his grown-up self, without any help from his much kinder, gentler, old radical father, the Libertarian Jesus, Ron, or the established National Republican Party, he is sure to do very well in the general elections when he runs against a Democrat who does not believe in bombing countries for fun or letting states decide whether to let black people have equal rights. This is considered too crazy even by 21st century Kentucky standards. I mean this isn’t Alabama here, people!

Anyway thanks to the GOP’s embarrassing Bluegrass blowout, looks like there’s more than a slight chance Kentucky’s senate seat may actually flip Democrat(!) and Mitch McConnell will be forced to retreat back into his turtle shell, which is good news for the rest of us. Hey, we’ll take whatever we can get.

So let’s see how the rest of the gleeful, oil-drenched Grand Old Party of Lipton bags and senior citizens’ monstrous takeover of Congress is going, shall we?

In the only House race that mattered to both parties—the special election to replace the late Democratic Rep. John Murtha in Pennsylvania’s 12th District—the Republicans failed spectacularly, losing on a level playing field where, in this favorable environment, they should have easily sent the opposition scrambling like a Mexican in Arizona. Assuming they haven’t completed the danged fence, that is.

But instead, Democrat Mark Critz cruised past Republican Tim Burns in what can only be seen as a sign of things to come (the beginning of the end) for everyone’s favorite party of NO, HELL NO, and NOT IN YOUR GOD DAMN DREAMS!

As First Read notes, “if the GOP couldn’t win here–the only congressional seat that John Kerry won in ’04 but Obama lost in ’08–it’s not going to have an easy time netting the 40 House seats in November it needs to retake the House.”

You don’t say!

Meanwhile, in Pennsylvania’s Senate race, real, live Democrat Rep. Joe Sestak defeated desperate Republican-turned-sort-of-Democrat Sen. Arlen Specter for the Democratic nomination, with polls actually showing Sestak as the stronger candidate against Republican Pat Toomey in the general election (gasp!). Wow, these Republicans are sure on a roll…

Right off the nearby cliff, but a rolls a roll, no? Throw some thinly sliced beef smothered in cheese atop and hell, you got Philly’s finest right there in your hand.

Sure beats taking a bite out of Toomey.

“The Republican strategy of just trying to focus on personalities, whether President Obama or Speaker Pelosi, that’s not a winning strategy,” Democratic Congressional Campaign Committee Chairman Chris Van Hollen said.

Ummm, what do you expect them to do? Focus on Republican personalities? HAHAHAHAHAHA, yeah you try to hold a conversation with John McCain or John Boehner, see how well that works out for you.

Republicans made little attempt to sugar-coat (gay!) the results, with National Republican Congressional Committee Chairman Pete Sessions saying, “Tonight’s result was undoubtedly disappointing, but we will take the lessons learned from this campaign and move forward in preparation for November.”

Anyone know if Subway’s still hiring??

Good thing there are few things Republicans enjoy more than getting gagged, bound, beaten, and humiliated into submission. Usually they prefer lesbian strippers, but I guess they can make an exception this one time.

“This hard-fought race gave us an early preview of what Democrats will attempt to do in the fall in order to survive,” Sessions said. “They will steer clear of publicly campaigning with President Obama and Speaker Pelosi, distance themselves from the Democratic agenda, and attempt to co-opt Republican positions on the issues.”

Blindfolded and down on all fours while Michael Steele stuffs dollar bills down their lace n’ leather pants?

Eh, suddenly, regulating Wall Street and immigration reform doesn’t sound too bad after all!

Dare I even say, sexy?

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