It’s been 18 loooong months since insane lego-haired criminal ex-governor of Illinois, Hot Rod Blagojevich, was busted for being the actual insane lego-haired criminal governor and, boy is Blago ready to get back in the ol’ spotlight to finally show the good people of IL-na-na, no make that the world, how a sweet, innocent lamb like him could be so horrifyingly misconstrued and wrongly accused of doing all these sleazy, terrible things!
Rod’s soooo excited for his sweet federal corruption trial to finally begin that he’s been tweetin’ and talk showin’ about it since like, forever. Or at least since unleashing Roland Burris on the poor, unsuspecting masses in one final “f**k you” to The Man.
In fact, Blago (and his swooping mane) is so stoked about the chance to clear his freakin’ golden name that Roddy can hardly contain himself, practically jumping out of his seat waiting for his big moment to shine!
So much so that Judge James Zagel not only had to ban the moron from tweeting asinine 140 character proclamations of his innocence from the court room, but “admonished him to avoid making any facial or other expressions during proceedings, which he had been doing, much to the annoyance of jurors and prosecutors,” and anyone not sharing his belief that the Earth rotates not around the sun, but around a Serbian sleazebag who somehow duped Illinois voters into thinking an actual brain, not dense hot air, existed beneath that signature thick coif.
An honest mistake!
But the real question is why is Rod Blagojevich suddenly so obsessed with something other than himself? And not just any something, but a ridiculous social networking site that is basically glorified text messaging on the Internets for tweens, teenyboppers, a bright orange Jersey shore dwarf named Snooki, and of course, every esteemed member of the hip-hop Republican Party!
Perhaps Illinois’ disgraced crime boss governor knows something the rest of us losers do not, like how communicating with the public via 140-character one-liners is a sure-fire way to win over the hearts and minds of the American people, and expose its obviously very flawed system of justice?
Rod Blagojevich, due back in federal court today for his corruption trial, meanwhile, has posted 11 tweets since joining the site May 31, with a characteristic how-do-you-do: “Please follow on Twitter for the latest updates. I am innocent and look forward to clearing my name.”
Blagojevich’s Florida-based publicist, Glenn Selig, said that [wife] Patti is tweeting from her own phone while Selig is doing the actual posting for Rod. The former governor isn’t quite up to speed yet, but Selig says he’s getting “more and more into technology since he got into the show.”
What can I say? He’s a fly-by-the-seat-of-his-pants type of guy. I mean, the dude really didn’t know the first thing about running a state before becoming governor, and that wasn’t too hard to figure out, now was it? All you have to do is swear a lot, try to sell anything not tied down (freakin’ golden senate seats included), and loot your entire state’s funds en route to enjoying a nice, long vacation where they even give you your own nice pair of striped pajamas, free of charge!
Talk about first-class service!
Another really awesome idea is to refuse to act like an adult, for even one minute, during your corruption trial on racketeering, conspiracy, wire fraud, attempted extortion, perjury and countless other criminal charges, and instead make wacky, funny faces and blurt out whatever idiot nonsense pops into your thickly-covered (possibly rat-infested) head during testimony.
It also really helps if you spend every waking moment since your arrest charming the pants off America on every radio, teevee, and/or circus side show lucky enough to score a little prime Blago time. Ya know, someone as smart and talented as Rod Blagojevich to do Elvis impersonations and really endear themselves to the public, showing the good people of the U.S. of A., the kind of stand-up guy you really are.
Why, you’ll have ’em in stitches all the way to your next big gig downstate!
For like the next 20 or so years, at least!
Just enough time to plan his next Blago-riffic bestseller: Big Hair, Big Balls, Big Dreams: From The Big House To The White House, The Incredible True Life Story of America’s (Second) Favorite Puffy Haired, Disgraced Governor, Hot Rod Blagojevich.
With a special forward from the original, beautifully coiffed, half-term queen herself, $arah Barracuda Palin!
Oh, you freakin’ betcha!
[…] Justice has been served! […]