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The Big Ticket: Is Being The Size Of An Elephant Too Big Even For Republican Voters?

For some reason, the current crop of crazy-eyed kooks with homo husbands, washed-up Mormon Hair Club For Men spokesmodels, rambling, incoherent, coyote (and criminal) killing governors of Texas moonlighting as the Marlboro Man, and assorted other GOP misfits, misanthropes, Santorums(?) and maniac pizza moguls with more chance of delivering your large cheeseburger-smothered pie straight to your doorstep than an actual inaugural speech, haven’t exactly won over the hate-filled hearts and narrow minds of Republican voters.

If only they booed more gay soldiers or had a Rick Perry-like plan for getting rid of the uninsured deadweight like gross poor people!?

Until then, where o where will Republicans find someone man enough and mean enough with the kind of King Kong physique to really bring the heavy to the race?

Why, none other than the everyone’s fave bully governor of sandwiches, screaming at people, saturated fat, Snooki, New Jersey, Chris Christie, the best thing since sliced bread, err, screw it, the whole freakin’ loaf.

You see, not only does Christie already have the fiscal sense to use taxpayer money to purchase a gigantic new helicopter to transport heavy loads (like say, himself) from his Grand Canyon-sized bed to his kid’s high school baseball game a few waddles away from his mansion, he also has a huge ready-made constituency in the two-thirds of fellow motor-scooting Americans also the size of a dinosaur or KFC Double Down.

Amiright?

Certainly not, according to the Los Angeles Times:

Straight-talking New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie is a portly guy — and has spoken publicly in the past about his struggles with the scale. Now that he might be a contender for Republican nominee for president, other people are speaking publicly about his weight, too, and what impact it might have on his electability next November.
Washington Post columnist Eugene Robinson wrote that the governor needed to lose weight for his (and the country’s) health. Others complained that an inability to lose weight was a sort of failure of character.

Failure?? Ummm, maybe if you’re one of the few who don’t consider eating more than what the average circus elephant consumes on a daily basis, a stunning success and proof of presidential prowess.

C’mon, think about it. There’s more for everyone to love!

Michael Kinsley, of Bloomberg News, doesn’t have time to sit here, chewing the fat, so he’ll skip the BS and get straight to the point:

Look, I’m sorry, but New Jersey Governor Chris Christie cannot be president: He is just too fat.

What, what, what? This is the Republican candidate we’re talking about, remember! There’s no such thing as too dumb, too crazy, too rich, too white, too straight, too armed, too racist, or too mentally imbalanced.

There’s also no such thing as Chris Christie being too f**king fat to be president because there’s no such thing as science either.

So, slather on some mayo, wrap it up in bacon, and stuff that shit down your throat!

Sure is a helluva lot easier to swallow than a Chris Christie presidency.

Although, on second thought, if Christie were president, instead of Iraq, we’d probably invade Denny’s.

[image via the Star-Ledger]

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