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Florida Republican Lt. Gov. Jennifer Carroll Couldn't Possibly Be A Lesbian Because She's Not Ugly, Single, Or Dressed In Cargo Pants & Flannel

It’s getting steamy in the Sunshine state—and it’s not just the rising mercury levels getting the good citizens all hot ‘n bothered.

No ma’am! (Or, in this case, more like wham bam thank you ma’am!).

Because the only thing sexier than a closeted Republican getting caught with his pants down is a closeted Republican getting […]

Texas GOP Bans 'Critical Thinking' In Schools Because Knowledge Is For Godless Commies & Queer Democrats (AKA All Non-Texas Residents)

Everything’s bigger in Texas, including the huge, swinging cojones of the Grand Old Party in Grand Old Texas.

Hell, just look at their latest, greatest platform outlining the GOP’s brilliant (by Texas standards, retarded to everyone else) policies for 2012. Wait, or was it 1220? I can never remember!

Middle Aged men, the Middle Ages, is there […]

Virginia Lawmakers Join North Carolina In Deciding Denial Is The Best Solution Because 'Rising Sea Levels' Are A 'Left-Wing Plot' To Not Murder Mother Earth

While crazed, bath salt-riddled zombies are eating people’s faces and the sanctity of heterosexual marriage continues its apocalyptic death spiral into the scary gay abyss, some people are worried about silly, trivial things like oh, I don’t know, the ocean crashing through their living room and turning their houses into floating pieces of wood and […]

Mitt Romney Must Have Confused 'Big Love' With 'Brotherly Love' Because He Somehow Ended Up In West Philadelphia

Innnnnn West Philadelphia, born and raised, on a playground is where I spent most of my days…

Hahaha, just playing, as the cool kids like to say these days. As if Willard “Mitt” Mittens Romney VIII would ever step a single freshly-shined shoe on one of those cement poor peoples’ slabs to bounce balls and play […]

Michele Bachmann Knows Her Campaign Was "Mistake-Free" In The Same Way Her Husband Is Gay-Free

Michele, my (liberty) belle. How nice it must be to live in an alternate dimension, one where sexy, straight-as-pray-the-gay-away homosexual conversion therapists make the perfect hubbies (not to mention personal stylists!) and loony, pill-popping, Migraine-suffering (and inducing!), unhinged gaffe-magnets come thisclose to winning the Republican nomination courtesy of their near-flawless campaign.

Ignorance Psychosis is bliss, […]

Minnesota GOP Is So Fiscally Conservative, They've Decided To Stop The Whole "Paying Rent" Thing & Join The Rest Of America By Getting Evicted Instead!

If there’s one thing the Republican Party is good at, it is talking about how good they are at all things money-related, more specifically, taking your hard-earned money and spending it on worthwhile things like strippers and smart bombs, not wasteful things like say,  poor people or a year’s worth of rent for their Party […]

Republicans Commemorate Holocaust Remembrance Day By Reminding Jews That Anti-Semitism Is Alive & Well In The Republican Party (Unlike Jews!)

While Virginia Republican and self-hating Heeb Eric Cantor was coyly suggesting there might, might be a slight anti-semitism problem among House GOP members (you don’t say!?), fellow Republican wingnut from Virginia’s parasitic hell twin to the West, John Raese, was busy proving it by comparing his need to fill his lungs with Marlboro […]

Chris Christie Fears Americans Are Turning Into Couch Potatoes, Which He Will Then Deep Fry & Stuff Down His Throat

When not gobbling down Jersey Mike’s subs or helicoptering his hefty load from his Grand Canyon-sized couch to the nearest corrupt, corporate-sponsored, rich person’s bitchfest, New Jersey Gov. of Mass Chris Christie took a moment to warn the good people of AmeriCANT what happens when Uncle Sam meets La-Z-Boy. Other than a bunch of […]

Justice Antonin Scalia Is Turning Elena Kagan Into A Hunter & Hopefully Into The Next Mounted Trophy On His Wall

NOOOOOOOOO! NO, Supreme Court Justice Elena Kagan! Do not, I repeat, DO NOT go hunting with Antonin Scalia.  Do not exchange the black robe for a camouflage vest. Do not lace up your hiking boots or sharpen your bowie knife.  Do not load your double-barreled shotgun. And whatever you do, DO NOT get in unmarked, […]

Turns Out Obama's Health Care Plan Does Include A Death Panel & It's Called The Supreme Court

While black teens in hoodies were being murdered for the terrible crime of WWBIGC (Walking While Black In Gated Communities), the nine Supremely irritating muumuus on the nation’s High Court were chomping at the bit for some reason, any reason, to do away with that no-good Obama and his awful, un-American desire to have a […]