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Like most new 20-year-old single mothers, Bristol Palin spent her Thursday night riding a mechanical bull and screaming at some gay guy in a West Hollywood bar because that’s what underage, abstinence-crusading hillbillies do when shamelessly grifting, err, filming themselves being idiots for some dumb reality teevee show nobody’s going to watch anyway. So there’s Bristol, [...] It is no secret Sarah Louise Palin rules the Internets and all things related to it, including ghostwritten 140-character Tweets of indecipherable gibberish no one understands, except Twits, Twats, ‘n Tweens, like say, the original runner up vice-presidential loser/half-term governor and her brood of fellow fame grubbing, ridiculously-named grifters. So it should come as no surprise [...] The country’s, no make that the world’s best Mother, Sarah Palin of the Snowy North, took a break from her grueling schedule updating very important status messages on her favoritest Facebook to give an interview to some lamestream media outlet, Zap2it, or something, to let the whole world know how proud she is of her [...] ARGHHHH, Help Bristol, Some Weird Thing Is Touching Me!! Beloved Arctic heartthrobs Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston decided why the hell not give Us Weekly a little more of the gossipy good stuff, who in turn decided why the hell not place the BRISTOLing interview with the li’l lovebirds in their “Healthy Lifestyle” section of their [...] L is for Levi? Love? Lies? Legend of the Snowy North and fearless leader of mama Grizzlies the world over, Sarah Palin awoke one Alaskan morning to quite a surprise from one of her own precious little cubs, whose lovable mug was splashed all over the lamestream tabloid Us Weekly announcing the wonderful, earth shattering news [...] America’s favorite spurned, tell-all baby daddy and almost X-rated Alaskan answer to Scott Brown, hunky heartthrob Levi “Almost Showed My” Johnston wants you to know all those mean, terrible, private things he said about the Palins, specifically sweet matriarch Sarah Palin, were actually mere figments of his wild, teenage imagination and he’s deeply sorry for [...] Like OMG! Did you hear the amazing, Twitterific news about America’s favoritest knocked-up, unwed teenage hero and world-famous abstinence crusader, the voice of an entire generation (no, no not Kanye!), Bristol Palin?? Turns out, the famous daughter of Alaskan legend $arah Palin was soooooooo successful in her very important public service announcement warning horny, young teens [...] Fearless defender of a pure white America free from gross brown people, and a woman’s right to cede control of her own reproductive organs to the evil, federal government, $arah Palin is on a one-woman mission from God. A divinely-inspired mission which includes a variety of personal incentives for the ‘Cuda, like seven-figure paydays, several doctored [...] Category 5 Hurricane $arah Louise made landfall in wacky tobacky smokin’ Eugene, Oregon for a li’l one-on-one session with “everyday, hard-working Americans,” who make the great Beaver State the red hot, gun crackin’, gay bashing, immigrant hatin’, bastion of the hard Right we know and love today. Or at least in $arah Palin’s demented mind, [...] Hey America, it’s me, Bristol coming to you live (and most certainly edited) to give you, the public, a very important public service announcement about what happens when you, the bored daughter of Alaskan royalty, decide to get drunk and make maverick (aka no jimmy hat) sexytime with hotty boy toy Levi Johnston in the [...] |
 Democralypse Now is an equal-opportunity satirist exposing stupidity in government and politics, one hilariously scathing post at a time. Like Stephen Colbert, only hotter.       
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