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ARGHHHH, Help Bristol, Some Weird Thing Is Touching Me!! Beloved Arctic heartthrobs Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston decided why the hell not give Us Weekly a little more of the gossipy good stuff, who in turn decided why the hell not place the BRISTOLing interview with the li’l lovebirds in their “Healthy Lifestyle” section of their [...] America’s favorite spurned, tell-all baby daddy and almost X-rated Alaskan answer to Scott Brown, hunky heartthrob Levi “Almost Showed My” Johnston wants you to know all those mean, terrible, private things he said about the Palins, specifically sweet matriarch Sarah Palin, were actually mere figments of his wild, teenage imagination and he’s deeply sorry for [...] Oh no-zees! All $arah Palin wanted to do was take a much-needed break from her hectic life giving slightly different versions of the same dumb campaign speech at various conventions, trade shows, and wingnut rallies for oodles of delicious, cold hard cash, and head back home to relax with the fam at her lakeside abode [...] National oil whore $arah Palin knows a thing or two about spillin’ baby spillin’ barrels of delicious petroleum up ‘n down America’s southern coast, because one time back in 1989, when Exxon Valdez was drillin’ baby drillin’ all over Prince William Sound, the exact same thing happened to her wonderful Alaska, for Pete’s [...] Awful arctic drifter $arah Palin is apparently getting bored making boatloads of money by quitting her day job(s) so she can put all her energies into doing what she does best: nothing! Except, of course, when using her vast political knowledge and expertise on all security matters to help bring to justice a terrible blight on [...] Hey America, it’s me, Bristol coming to you live (and most certainly edited) to give you, the public, a very important public service announcement about what happens when you, the bored daughter of Alaskan royalty, decide to get drunk and make maverick (aka no jimmy hat) sexytime with hotty boy toy Levi Johnston in the [...] When magical Alaskan wonderwoman Sarah Palin was first thrust upon us, the unsuspecting masses, by a senile old man in the final throes of his desperate campaign to stave off creeping dementia and (not-so) early retirement, our immediate thoughts were who is this breathtaking woman and where the hell has she been our whole lives? Truth [...] Oh Sweet Sarah, does your goodness know no bounds? Sacrificing her precious time and energy to go to that terrible liberal cesspool Hollywood just to dazzle the Tonight Show crowd with the hilarious jokes she didn’t write before heading over to the “Oscar gift suite” to scoop up piles of fancy clothes and cosmetics that somebody [...] If ya can’t beat em, join ‘em Sarah Palin, who decided to up and leave her cozy, bear skin seat in Alaska’s Governor’s Mansion in order to bash the evil media 24/7 on Facebook, has now opted to throw in the towel on the social networking scene to join the dark side (along with the rest [...] |
 Democralypse Now is an equal-opportunity satirist exposing stupidity in government and politics, one hilariously scathing post at a time. Like Stephen Colbert, only hotter.       
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