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Bye Bye Birdie: Fightin' Mitt Romney Brings His Knack For Firing People To Prime Time!

Well hellooooo America! In case you missed Wednesday night’s 90-minute tragicomedy, fear not my friend, because the Internets have got you covered!

And the winner is…you, America! For having the privilege of witnessing Jim Lehrer get emasculated by Mitt Romney, who will tell him when he’s done speaking, GOD DAMN IT!

“NO, I AM NOT DONE, JIM. […]

Mitt Romney Can't Even Lead A Chant Of His Own Name Without Giving The World Douche Chills

You know things are bad when not a single day goes by without you inadvertently making an ass of yourself, giving the American people yet another a reason to point their finger and laugh at your flailing, almost cartoonish incompetence.

And whether it is telling 47% of the public to go f**k themselves and their poor, […]

Mitt Romney Picks Fiscal Sociopath, Ayn Rand Fanatic Paul Ryan As His VP; America Shrugs

So there you have it, America.  The moment you’ve been waiting for, the day that Willard “Mitt” Romney finally picked his running mate, the next (non)vice-president of the United States, Rep. Paul Ryan of the great state of Wisconsin.

Hooray!

But just who is this nice young man from down the street who looks like a Boy […]

West Virginia Democratic Sen. Joe Manchin's Message To Fellow Dems Is The Same As The Rest Of The Nation's Message To West Virginia: Drop Dead

Whoa Easy Now Fellow, Not Too Close!

West Virginia Senator and closet Democrat Joe “Just Like The Plumber” Manchin would like nothing more than to let the good people of his Mountain ‘n Mesothelioma-wracked home state know that despite that dastardly (D) after his name and the fact that he caucuses with the Senate’s […]

Michele Bachmann Knows Her Campaign Was "Mistake-Free" In The Same Way Her Husband Is Gay-Free

Michele, my (liberty) belle. How nice it must be to live in an alternate dimension, one where sexy, straight-as-pray-the-gay-away homosexual conversion therapists make the perfect hubbies (not to mention personal stylists!) and loony, pill-popping, Migraine-suffering (and inducing!), unhinged gaffe-magnets come thisclose to winning the Republican nomination courtesy of their near-flawless campaign.

Ignorance Psychosis is bliss, […]

Billionaire Everyman Mitt Romney Strangely Morphs Into A Poor, Southern Gent When Speaking To Crowd In Mississippi

Poor Mittens Romney. It’s trying to act like a human being, but it just doesn’t know how. Hell, the more it tries to act like an actual carbon-based, oxygen breathing entity, not futuristic cyborg Terminator Mormonator sent to terrorize humanity, the more we are all convinced it is in fact just a newer, more advanced, […]

How Do I Love Thee America, Let Mitt Count The Ways...

You Know Who Else Mitt Loves? That Guy! (Oh Wait, That’s A Mirror!)

Willard “Mitt” Romney is a lover of many things. Many, many generic things. He loves air, for instance. The way it effortlessly swirls around from place to place, filling up empty space without ever being noticed. The delicate way it fills your chest, […]

Rick Santorum Has Intimate Knowledge Of Satan; Coincidentally, It's Also The Only Thing He's Intimate With

I’m sure by now you’ve probably heard some vague rumblings about the mysterious substance surging through the nation, oozing its frothy, God-fearing, Santorum-y essence across the vast, toxic, anal sex-ridden, pagan and homosexual wasteland that is OBAMA’S United States.

But just who is this frumpy Jesus freak in a sweater vest spreading the gooey missionary (style) […]

Mitt Romney Is "Not Concerned About The Very Poor," Nor Apparently Winning Anything But The Hatred Of 99% Of America

Ah Mittens. Fresh off a most undeserved and uninspired victory over a gelatinous blob of ethical lapses and abandoned wives in the Florida Republican primary, Willard “Mitt” Romney proceeded to promptly squander all momentum and break the Golden Rule of presidential politics: pretend not to be the cold, heartless, asshole you really are.

Whoopsies!

You see, to […]

People Of The Sunshine State: Sarah Palin Urges America To Rage Against The Machine (& All Rational Thought) And Make Newt The Man

Former reality teevee star and failed vice-president, governor, political pundit, mother, grifter, fame whore, EVERYTHING, Sarah Palin, took a break from the usual Facebook trolling and illiterate Tweeting to continue her bizarre quest endorsing Newt Gingrich because of some on-again, off-again, leftist hard rock band from the ’90s. Or something like that.

Here’s Mama Grizz herself […]