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Signs Of The Apocalypse? No, Just Dick Cheney’s 2012 Presidential Hopes

Am I having night terrors or is Dick Cheney gearing up for a presidential run in 2012?

I know it sounds crazy. I mean the guy’s not exactly Mr. Popular, let alone human, and yet there’s just something about this guy that people find irresistible. So irresistible in fact, that no matter how hard we try (and believe me we’ve tried), we just can’t seem to get rid of him.

Everywhere you look, it’s Dick, Dick, Dick! Dick on the radio, Dick on TV, Dick doing talk shows, Dick doing the news.

And it’s not just because of his beautiful mug. There are some other tell-tale signs that Dick Cheney might attempt to ride his charisma and charm right into White House contention.

1. The media blitz
At this point, someone should just give Dr. Doom his own show. Blah, blah, blah, pussy president Barack Obama is making us less safe, torture is good, and war is the only language the terrorists speak. Too bad Dick forgot one tiny little fact: More Americans were killed by terrorists on Cheney’s watch than on any other leader’s watch in U.S. history.

2. He hasn’t said he’s not running for president
OK, he also hasn’t said he’s the antichrist but we don’t doubt that now do we?

3. Republicans are too scared to tell him not to
“Cheney continues to be a force among many members of our base, and while he is entirely unhelpful, no one has the standing to show him the door,” writes the Washington Post. Would you want to be the messenger of that news to the Dark Lord of the Sith? Didn’t think so.

4. He’s younger than John McCain
That’s right. Despite having not one but four heart attacks under his belt (first one suffered at the prime age of 37) and a penchant for rocking a wheelchair from time to time, Dick Cheney is only 68 years old–a whole four years younger than that geezer John McCain. Which means in 2012, Dick would only be 72, the same age McCain was in 2008. But let me ask you this, how many heart attacks has Mr. Tough Guy Hanoi Prison survived?

5. He’s chosen himself before
In 2000, Dick Cheney was appointed to the head of George W. Bush’s vice-presidential search committee, only to decide the best candidate was well, himself. He did such a suberb job as VP, that eight years later, we can safely assume Dick’s opinion of himself has only improved. Looks like it’s time for a promotion! After all, his record speaks for itself.

6. It’d probably go better than last time
Sure when Dick Cheney almost ran for president in 1996, it was a long shot. He wasn’t exactly a household name, didn’t have a particularly large base of support, and certainly didn’t have the impeccable record of service he’s amassed since then.

But Republican Party analyst and Weekly Standard founder Bill Kristol knows there’s something even bigger preventing Dick Cheney from a successful presidential bid.

“You have to be a little bit crazy to run for president…and Dick Cheney is a very sane man.”

Must just be the rest of America that’s insane.

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