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Sharron Angle Knows When Life Hands You Lemons, Make Lemonade & Thank Jesus For Giving You Anything, Even If It’s Spoiled Rinds Or Li’l Miracles Of Incestuous Rape

Ooooh, another adorable wingnut surprise from the parched West, dem parts where they don’t take too kindly to strangers, like dirty Mexicans in their backyards or Kenyans in their White House.

But, who is this new delicious desert-fried bite of unbridled crazy, and where in God’s scorched desert landscape did she come from?

Why, it’s Sharron Angle, straight from the bright, big city lights of America’s favoritest place to bet their life savings and booze away their sorrows, the sparkling state where it’s cool to hit the strip scouring for strippers to bang, Nevada baby!

But, other than a certifiable crazy person, just who is this awesome new darling of human bags o’ caffeinated herbs ‘n spice, who beat out that (equally insane) Chicken Lady to win the Nevada Republican primary and the one-of-a-kind opportunity to face none other than Dear Leader Harry “Mason” Reid for the chance to become the next, freedom-loving patriot to head to our nation’s capital to serve the evil, terrible government her entire campaign is based on destroying. Yay?

One may refer to the irony of an outspoken anti-government zealot attempting to become part of said terrible government by using the well-known phrase “turning lemons into lemonade.” This would almost be an appropriate use of the popular metaphor. But not if your Sharron Angle, who prefers to use this simple, ubiquitous cliche when waxing psychotic poetic about how young, teenage girls raped by their fathers shouldn’t be able to have abortions, but instead deal with the “horrific situation” by turning “lemons into lemonade.”

STOCK: What do you say then to a young girl, I am going to place it as he said it, when a young girl is raped by her father, let’s say, and she is pregnant. How do you explain this to her in terms of wanting her to go through the process of having the baby?

ANGLE: I think that two wrongs don’t make a right. And I have been in the situation of counseling young girls, not 13 but 15, who have had very at risk, difficult pregnancies. And my counsel was to look for some alternatives, which they did. And they found that they had made what was really a lemon situation into lemonade. Well one girl in particular moved in with the adoptive parents of her child, and they both were adopted. Both of them grew up, one graduated from high school, the other had parents that loved her and she also graduated from high school. And I’ll tell you the little girl who was born from that very poor situation came to me when she was 13 and said ‘I know what you did thank you for saving my life.’ So it is meaningful to me to err on the side of life.

Oh, Sharry! It’s one thing to be an insane crazy person who happens to equate abortion with the murder of an innocent life. From a purely ideological perspective, one should not feel compelled to say sugarcoated, not-so-politically-suicidal statements you don’t really mean just to make yourself sound electable instead of imbalanced. But at the same time, one should also not try to pretend these tragic incidents are some positive, life-changing affirmations when they’re really just hellishly bad nightmares.

It’s just not done. It’s called class, got it, Angle?

Of course, this isn’t the first time Sharry baby has found herself in scalding hot water for saying bizarre, crazy lady things, like oh, turning incestuous rape victims into delicious lemon meringue pie, or encouraging the assassination of her Democratic election foe, incumbent Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid while appearing on conservative talk radio “The Lars Larson Show:”

You know, our Founding Fathers, they put that Second Amendment in there for a good reason and that was for the people to protect themselves against a tyrannical government. And in fact Thomas Jefferson said it’s good for a country to have a revolution every 20 years.
I hope that’s not where we’re going, but, you know, if this Congress keeps going the way it is, people are really looking toward those Second Amendment remedies and saying my goodness what can we do to turn this country around? I’ll tell you the first thing we need to do is take Harry Reid out.

To a really fancy restaurant?? Why, that’s awfully nice of you to offer, Sharron, but he’s been super busy trying to actually run this terrible government you’re always ranting about, while trying to avoid being “taken out” by some heat-packin’ Sharron Angle supporter with Jesus on his side, and extra bullets in his swastika decorated fannypack.

“I meant take him out of office, and taking him out of office is a little different,” Sharron later clarified. “I changed my rhetoric.”

Of course! Oooooh, won’t it be great once she’s elected and decides to take out every ranking senator until there’s no one left but Senate Majority Leader Angle and a congressional floor full of bullet-riddled corpses. Then America will really be free!

But what else does Miss Angle believe other than assassinating elected Democratic officials from her native Nevada, and cooking lip-smacking lemon and incestuous rape-based cuisine?

Before she decided to stop gift-wrapping insane statements to the press and retreat into a safe, media-free zone where her ridiculous, frightening thoughts could remain private, Sharron Angle gave America a near-perfect stream of delightful, discretion-free lunacy ’round the clock.

Abortion: Divine interpreter Sharron Angle believes abortion should be illegal because of (who else?) God. When asked by radio host Bill Manders whether there is “any reason at all for an abortion,” Angle answers: “Not in my book.” For clarity, he says: “So, in other words, rape and incest would not be something?” And the always charming Angle replies with this reasoning: “You know, I’m a Christian, and I believe that God has a plan and a purpose for each one of our lives and that he can intercede in all kinds of situations and we need to have a little faith in many things.”

Hear that, ya ungrateful heathen? God planned your terrifying (divine?) rape and subsequent pregnancy! And if God’s plan is for you to get forcibly penetrated by your uncle and/or father, His plan is also that you keep your deformed, cognitively impaired baby, and take comfort knowing the Lord is watching over you. Just have a little faith here, people!

And while we’re at it, why bother throwing the man in prison for doing God’s work honorably raping women and children? After all, how could us mere mortals possibly understand the divine nature of planting a man’s seed in his 12 year old daughter through forced, gruesome penetration?? Exactly.

Unemployment: Sure, Nevada may currently lead the nation in unemployment but that doesn’t stop our Sharry from making mindblowingly insensitive, glib comments about poor, jobless Nevadans (laaaaaaazy!) enduring terrible hardships. You see, Sharron knows that those without employment are “spoiled” brats, and perfect Senators to-be like her (ooh, keep your fingers crossed!) are “not in the business of creating jobs.”

Of course, what she really meant to say was that was that welfare “has spoiled our citizenry” and that “the system of entitlement has caused us to have a spoilage with our ability to go out and get a job,” which apparently also extends to her ability to master obscure Old English phrases that went into extinction with the Dodo Bird, Polio, and John McCain’s integrity. So, bravo?

Scientology: Sharron Angle is NOT a Scientologist, I repeat Sharron Angle is NOT a Scientologist! They are weird and mostly elitist liberal celebrity types, which Miss Angle is most certainly not. She is a down-to-Earth gal from the Wild West who simply believes that Scientology founder L. Ron Hubbard had all the answers when it comes to curing addiction, and as a legislator, supported “a prison rehabilitation program promoted by the Church of Scientology and involving massage and saunas.” Which is totally not Scientology! Far from it. It is simply a very reasonable psychiatric alternative invented by the same man who belives America was founded somewhere around 75 million years ago when the dictator of the Galactic Confederacy Xenu brought billions of humans (“thetans”) to Earth, stacked them in volcanoes, and blew them up using hydrogen bombs, or maybe just had Sharron and her followers shoot them with their semiautamic machine guns ’til they all exploded. Point is, no one knows for sure!

The United Nations: That shriveled old thing? Is that ancient fossil still around? Ugh, Sharron Angle knows it’s time to leave that old whining hag in the nursing home, or six feet under with Grandma where it belongs. It’s high time America withdraws from that stupid world organization already, since it’s nothing more than a cesspool of liberal ideology and “the umpire on fraudulent science such as global warming.”

“I’m a clean-air proponent,” Angle said in an interview. “I don’t, however, buy into the whole…man-caused global warming, man-caused climate change mantra of the left. I believe that there’s not sound science to back that up.”

She only gets her science from reliable sources like L. Ron Hubbard, Tom Cruise and whatever the voices in her head tell her (kill Harry Reid?).

But alas, don’t get too attached to wonderful Sharry and her enlightened positions because last week Angle launched a new website that “softens” her stances, by “removing them entirely,” lest she come across as some unhinged nutjob or anything.

Oh and while we’re on the subject, you might not want to get too attached to ol’ Angle either because her and Harry are locked in a tight one in the polls, and our lovely unhinged heroine of Teabags and Freedom needs plenty more cash to catch Sir Moneybags Harry Reid’s campaign chest, which has raised ten times as much.

But don’t despair! Perhaps Sharron could put those Betty Crocker hands of hers to work with a delicious fundraising bake sale, and maybe whip up another delectable batch of everyone’s favorite, sinfully scrumptious lemon-flavored dessert treat.

Because nothing helps brings a smile to the face of an incestuous rape victim quite like Famous Angle’s Zesty Lemon Squares or Sunny Morning Lemon Muffins!

Not even justice.

6 comments to Sharron Angle Knows When Life Hands You Lemons, Make Lemonade & Thank Jesus For Giving You Anything, Even If It’s Spoiled Rinds Or Li’l Miracles Of Incestuous Rape

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