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Salty New York Rep. Eric Massa Resigns Due To Either Real Cancer Or Gay Cancer

Uh-Oh, another one bites the dust.

Now, normally when you hear a congressman has decided to call it quits amid a sordid sex scandal, one naturally assumes that for a Republican this likely means a little same-sex monkey business, while for a Democrat, more likely than not it involves the good kind of infidelity, namely the non-gay kind.

Not so, my friends!

Thanks to Rep. Eric Massa (D-N.Y.), this blanket stereotype just won’t do anymore! Or will it??

Turns out, the freshman Representative will not seek re-election, after only one term in office in light of allegations that the congressman, who is married with two children, “sexually harassed a male staffer.”

Which is crazy because everyone knows Massa is one of the most liberal Congressman, which means it was already basically public record that this guy loooves gays and poors. The dude even wants a single-payer health care for Christ’s sake, which is the kind when white people are all rounded up by Obama’s death squads and sent to the gulag where they will be randomly experimented on before being disposed of in the least cost-effective way possible.

But apparently, not everyone is sold on the “whole harassed a male staffer” thing being reported by Politico, with another source, CQ Politics, saying that Massa is
“is leaving because of a recurrence of cancer.”

Well, which one is it, cancer or gay?

Massa denied that any allegations of misconduct have been brought against him, saying, “When someone makes a decision to leave Congress, everybody says everything. I have health issues. I’ll talk about it [later].”

Massa explained that he’d been hospitalized in December with a third “cancer scare,” admitting he’d withheld this information from his staff.

“I kept this private, and I told only members of my immediate family. I did not tell my staff,” Massa said.

With rumors of his gayness swirling, Massa blasted the press, calling the reports” unsubstantiated without fact or backing” and “a symptom of what’s wrong with this city.”

“Do I or have I ever used salty language especially when I’m angry, in the privacy of my inner office or at home? Yes I have and I’ve apologized where it’s appropriate,” Massa explained.

“I made my statement. The allegations are totally false. I’m a salty old sailor. That’s that,” Massa said.

Of course, aside from high sodium levels, the former U.S. Navy officer did suffer from non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma while serving as the Special Assistant to NATO Commander General Wesley Clark during the Bosnian conflict, but returned to the U.S. to undergo treatment, survived, and was thought to be completely cured.

Of cancer that is. The gay must have come back.

But either way Massa won’t be back for a second term, instead taking time to fight whatever disease is currently rampaging through his body.

Cancer, gay, I mean, is there really a difference? At a certain point, aren’t we just splitting hairs here?

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