Republican congressional candidate Sean Bielat believes in two simple truths: the power of his own digitally crafted campaign ads of Barney Frank gay dancing across Massachusetts propelling him to certain election victory over that no-good, tax-lovin’ liberal queer with a lisp, and his uncanny ability to apply simple logic to solve complex problems facing the nation, like say, what to do with those pesky gays and lezzies fighting so hard for the right to die for America like normal, decent straight men and women, who aren’t just too damn attracted to the same sex to be able to honorably defend their nation’s freedom by killing Muslims in parched foreign deserts in faraway lands.
“There’s no absolute right to serve. Men under the height of 5 feet, 2 inches can’t serve – I don’t see anybody protesting. Where are the people standing in front of the White House, the short guys standing in front of the White House? You don’t see it,” Bielat said.
Ummm, that could be because they’re all just too darn vertically challenged for the naked eye to actually see at all. But, I’m sure being the mental giant that he is, Bielat has an even better explanation.
“We understand that there’s no absolute right to serve in all these other areas,” Bielat said, apparently unaware of the massive crowd of five, not vertically, but mentally challenged Birthers protesting whatever it is obese white people protest (black presidents in their White House?) on the National Mall with Hitler signs.
What we don’t see, however, is any petite li’l fellas handcuffing themselves to the White House in protest, because even they know well enough that they are too damn short and gross to participate in any warring activities like the rest of the convicted felons, high school dropouts, former drug addicts and honorable normal-sized American citizens openly serving their country as proud members of the U.S. Armed Forces.
So the moral of the story is: short people should be allowed to serve, just so long as they’re not *openly* short. Just like gay people should be allowed to serve, so long as they’re not *openly* gay.
You’ve heard of Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell? Well, this is more like Don’t Ask, Don’t Measure!
Hard to argue with airtight logic like that…
Errr, except for the tiny, insignificant fact that one group is physically limited in their ability to serve, while the other isn’t so much physically limited as physically enjoys banging people of the same sex in their free time. Unless gay also means you have no arms, no legs, marbles instead of eyes, and are going straight to hell for having deviant sex with all the wrong penis-vagina ratios.
Or as the Boston Herald put it:
Hmm. … On the other hand, vertically challenged people are not forced to pretend they’re tall, then drummed out once it’s discovered they’re short in spite of their service record.
Then again, coming out as a wee li’l teeny-tiny, itty-bitty shrimp man or woman never had the whole “whoa, whoa, whoa, OMG REALLY??” factor.
Not to mention, big, flamboyant hair styles, secret boot lifts, extra thick heels, and vertical stripes never were the recommended methods for hiding your total gayness.
A much more sure-fire, effective way to pretend you’re somebody you’re not is simply to join the Republican Party.
No questions asked. Or, for that matter, answers given.
Because why Ask and Tell when you can just Lie and Yell?
Campaign for Equal Rights? Ha ha, more like the Campaign for Equal Heights!