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Rand Paul Doesn't Think Obama's Views On Marriage Could Get Any Gayer, Much Like His Skin Color Couldn't Get Any Blacker

If there’s one thing America simply cannot get enough of, it is the rich, racist, radical Kentucky-fried-son-of-a-wingnut whose not-so-evolved views on homosexuality and civil rights make even his ancient cryptkeeper father, Papa Ron, seem normal by comparison.

Almost.

Good thing Rand Paul will do whatever it takes, blurt whatever comes out of his big, white power mouth to avoid slipping ever closer to that scary, dangerous place (called the 21st century) where black people have rights, women are more than tits in a skirt, and homosexuals are more than just the sweaty, gyrating, chiseled physiques that haunt Rand Paul’s dreams whenever he closes his eyes.

Bein’ so straight, white and Christian must be hard!

Why not get a (non-gay) load off your chest and tell us about it, Rand?

“The president recently weighed in on marriage and you know he said his views were evolving on marriage.”

HAWHAWHAW, imagine that! A sentient being adapting in order to survive and thrive in a constantly-changing environment? Yeah, try telling that to the Dodo bird and the Republican Party!

“Call me cynical, but I wasn’t sure his views on marriage could get any gayer,” he said, drawing laughs from the crowd.

How about we just call you “asshole” instead?

“It did kind of bother me though that [Obama] used the justification for it in a biblical reference,” Paul continued, as did the laughter. “He said the biblical golden rule caused him to be for gay marriage. And I’m like, ‘what version of the Bible is he reading?’

OMG, probably the Queen James version??

“… I don’t know what version he’s getting it from.”

Me neither, but either way, he’s most certainly getting it from the rear.

He continued: “Now that doesn’t mean we need to be harsh and mean and hate people…”

Though by all means, feel free!

“But that doesn’t mean that we have to go ahead and give up our traditions. We’ve got 6,000 years of tradition.”

Hunting, gathering, slaying of the first born, bloodletting, witch hunts, crucifixtion, crusades, forced conversions, black plagues, beheadings, torture, stoning, slavery, rape, genocide, famine, near-constant war, chaos, disease, nuclear bombs,  and of course the nuclear family of one doomsday prepping man plus one doomsday prepping woman plus one and a half kids plus one pet, all crammed in an underground bunker like Jesus intended.

Saying it was time for traditionalists to stand together to “save the Republic” and that the traditional family unit needed to be defended, Paul declared, “The family is a really important thing. We shouldn’t just give up on it.”

We should spend every waking moment trying to destroy it, so abused and neglected foster children can be spared the horrors of living in a loving household with Adam and Steve and go back to the loveless orphanage where they belong.

“We’ve introduced the Life at Conception Act, the Pro-Life Act, the No Taxpayer Funding for Abortion Act, the Child Interstate Abortion Notification Act, I’m also co-sponsor of the Human Life Amendment,” Paul said. “I’ve also been trying to defund Planned Parenthood. Anybody here for that?”

Aww hells yeah! If you’ve got a dick, but don’t know dick about pushing a child through a vaginal canal, and care about life more than anything in the whole wide world (until it’s actually born), then the Rand Paul Devolution is for you!

Remember, Rand Paul will stand up for your rights by stomping on everyone else’s, including any dumb broad stupid enough to be a lesbian and protest outside a Rand Paul rally.

Because two wrongs don’t make a right. They make a Rand.

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