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Poll: Fox News Viewers Less Informed Than Those Who Read No News; Which Is Weird Because Fox News Hosts Believe Pepper Spray Is A "Food Product, Essentially"

OMG, did you hear the crazy, Earth-shattering, mind-blowing news? No, no not that fat, crazed, out-of-control cops are pepper-spraying college students eyeballs out, macing old ladies, stomping on peaceful protesters, billy clubbing defenseless women and children, and bloodying the faces of law-abiding citizens in every major city around the country. The other headline-busting story about how Fox News is — gasp!—basically as informative and knowledge-providing as staring at an empty cardboard box for hours on end, or at least according to Fairleigh Dickinson University’s latest PublicMind poll.

Well, actually, that’s not really 100 percent accurate, since watching a cardboard box doesn’t usually suck knowledge from your brain like a new Dyson upright vacuum with ball technology, as is the case with Fox.

From the report:

The poll — which asked New Jerseyans where they find news and information about current events — found that Sunday morning news shows are the most informative, while Fox News actually leads people to be less informed than those who consume no news at all.

The poll focused partly on popular uprisings in Egypt and Syria. Asked whether the people of Egypt successfully topped Hosni Mubarak’s regime, 49 percent of Fox News viewers answered “yes” — the lowest on the scale — while 68 percent of NPR listeners answered in the affirmative, the highest on the scale.

Those who watch The Daily Show with Jon Stewart performed well on the questions. Sixty percent of Daily Show viewers correctly answered that opposition forces in Syria have not yet toppled the government, second only to NPR. Forty-five percent of Fox News viewers answered “no.”

As Dan Cassino, a political science professor at Fairleigh Dickinson and an analyst for the poll, explained, “The (poll’s) results show us that there is something about watching Fox News that leads people to do worse on these questions than those who don’t watch any news at all.”

Ummm, is that something named Gretchen Carlson??

Or maybe it’s that other sexy blonde genius with the really deep, profound observations. No, not not Steve Doocy, although he is sexy. Think more vapid hair product sidekick who has big boobs not acts like one.

That’s right, folks! It’s everyone’s favorite shrill voice of treason reason and idiotically spelled first names, Megyn Kelly who, along with fellow patriotic, non-pinhead patriarch Papa Bill O’Reilly sat down to discuss what really happened at UC Davis and teach all of America why it is perfectly acceptable for heavily militarized security guards to viciously attack a group of sitting students with pepper spray.

Oh, Fox yeah!

But wait a minute, O’Reilly said. “I don’t think we have the right to Monday morning quarterback the police.”

OMG, he’s so right! Peter King of Sports Illustrated is already in charge of that whole Monday Morning Quarterback thing.

“Especially at a place like UC Davis, which is a fairly liberal campus.”

Because liberals are not people. They are like buzzing hordes of locusts who deserve to be swatted, sprayed, or squashed in whatever manner deemed fit. Of course, if this were Liberty University, God forbid, and some psycho police lieutenant decided to generously and nonchalantly dust peacefully sitting protesters with pepper spray from point spray range, then maybe Papa Bear would have a problem with it.

“Pepper spray, that just burns your eyes, right?” O’Reilly asked Kelly.

OMG, totes! Just like getting Tased is exactly the same feeling as putting on socks and shuffling across carpet before touching your friend.

“Right,” Kelly said. “I mean, its like a derivative of actual pepper. It’s a food product, essentially.”

Exactly! Like jalapeno poppers, or salsa con queso. In fact, if you spray it on pizza, you have a federally recommended meal and an FDA-approved daily serving of vegetables, essentially.

Now, look, Megyn and Bill aren’t saying the cops did the right thing or anything! God, no! “I agree [the tape] looks bad,” Kelly said.

But looks can be deceiving! I mean Megyn looks like she just clocked out of the lunch shift at Hooters after an all-night coke and sex party at some 18-year old’s house whose parents are out of town, but really she is a respected teevee news journalist (and lawyer?) on a very respectable, fair and balanced news network!

It’s just that the protesters were sitting in a place where they weren’t allowed to sit, so it’s kind of their own fault!

Serves those pesky, rabble-rousing, hippie dippie college students right thinking they can just sit anywhere on campus, just because they paid tens of thousands of dollars in tuition for the very privilege to do so.

Besides, the police were just doing what the Chancellor told them, to try and clear the “Occupy” protesters’ encampment.

See, they were just following orders! It’s not like anything bad ever comes out of that, right?

Whatever. The point is what right do we, tax-paying citizens, have to judge a publicly-funded cop for spraying a delicious (and nutritious!) simple food product in the faces of a crowd of college kids? (Maybe he was just trying to feed them?).

And not just any college kids. Liberal college kids doing something criminal and dangerous.

Like speaking out against the real people hurt by all this, the poor, long-suffering Corporations.

Because everyone knows liberals don’t want to eat powerful pepper blasting from aerosol cans. They’d much prefer to eat the rich instead.

[image via TPM]

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