Tuesday was the 11-year anniversary of Rudy Giuliani’s 9/11™ and America showed the world it WILL NEVER FORGET!
Except Dick Cheney, who already forgot he was Vice President when the 9/11 attacks happened, because in the 9/11 truth commission that is his mind, he knows George W. Bush kept America safe from terror always and forever, and Barack Obama didn’t because he is a secret Muslim Terrorist Socialist too busy playing basketball and pallin’ around with his BFF Osama Bin Laden to read his Presidential Daily Briefings, and stop the worst terror attack on American soil, while he was a state senator in Illinois.
Former Vice President Dick Cheney took a shot at President Barack Obama late Monday night after it was reported that the president has attended fewer than half of his daily intelligence briefings.
“If President Obama were participating in his intelligence briefings on a regular basis then perhaps he would understand why people are so offended at his efforts to take sole credit for the killing of Osama bin Laden,” Cheney told The Daily Caller in an email through a spokeswoman. “Those who deserve the credit are the men and women in our military and intelligence communities who worked for many years to track him down. They are the ones who deserve the thanks of a grateful nation.”
Certainly not terrible NOBAMA who only attends his Presidential Daily Briefings (PDBs) about half the time, unlike cowboy savior George W. Bush whose perfect PDB attendance record enabled him to pretty much say “aww fuck it” to the CIA warnings about Bin Laden being “determined” to strike inside the U.S., because you can’t stop what you can’t see, hehe.
Just ask Bush’s former speechwriter Marc Thiessen whose deep passion for torturing people extends to both the American public and Muslim extremists.
“During his first 1,225 days in office, Obama attended his PDB just 536 times — or 43.8 percent of the time. During 2011 and the first half of 2012, his attendance became even less frequent — falling to just over 38 percent. By contrast, Obama’s predecessor, George W. Bush, almost never missed his daily intelligence meeting.”
Never missed a meeting…but always missed the point.
Mission Accomplished!
So hooray for heroes George W. Bush and Dick Cheney who, unlike Barack Obama, kept us safe from 9/11 by ignoring all warnings before bravely hunting down and shooting Bin Laden in the face, if by Bin Laden you mean Dick’s old hunting buddy named Harry Whittington.
But what does the White House say about this damning charge?
“While Obama does not attend every presidential daily brief, he reads his PDB every day.”
Umm, what?? A President that reads words, on paper? Blasphemy!
Via the AP: A lady biker sits on Biden’s lap today at Cruisers Diner in Seaman, Ohio.
Which wouldn’t be the first time something weird happened involving Seaman.
Not to be outdone by Joe’s impressive bicycle biker mount, President Obama got a huge lift himself. Literally.
Here’s Big Apple Pizza owner (and bear hug enthusiast) Scott Van Duzer throwing his sizeable weight behind (and beneath!) President Obama.
The registered Republican and two-time Obama supporter was so swept off his feet by the President’s surprise appearance, he couldn’t help but return the favor.
See Mitt Romney? This is how you connect with people!
P.E.O.P.L.E. Or as Mitt likes to say, collateral damage.
It is no secret that Republicans loooove to carry on fake conversations with inanimate objects pretending to be their #1 enemy Barack Hussein Obama. For one thing, they never talk back or flash a charming smile or even so much as a single cogent thought from their non-existent heads. Just the way Republicans like it.
If you think the Republican party is stuck in some sort of bizarre anti-science, anti-progress, anti-intellectual quagmire, think again.
Because just like the Jeffersons (if they were white), the GOP is movin’ on up!
Republicans debuted a new ad Thursday in which an allegedly frustrated former Obama supporter expresses her disappointment with the president. The only problem: The woman in the video is actually longtime Republican and current RNC Director of Hispanic Outreach/Kim Kardashian doppelgänger, Bettina Inclan.
“Listen, this just isn’t working. It’s been four years. You’ve changed. Your spending is out of control. You’re constantly on the golf course. And your always out with Hollywood celebrities, You think I didn’t see you with Sarah Jessica Parker and George Clooney? Your jobs council says you haven’t even showed up in six months. You’re just not the person I thought you were. It’s not me, it’s you. I think we should just be friends.”
The ad asks people to share why they’re “breaking up” with Obama.
The RNC says its ad, which first appeared on television Thursday is **”not dishonest.”**
**By GOP standards.**
“It’s a lighthearted ad to show how millions of Americans feel about President Obama — he’s not the person we thought he was and it’s time to break up with him,” an RNC official told TPM. “But let’s be clear, it is an ad.”
Duh! Let’s be clear, Latinos aren’t allowed to be Republicans.
She’s probably just a piñata, except instead of candy, she spills medicare vouchers.
Oooooh yeah, that’s my girl. Look how sexy she looks in her hot rhubarb dress, talking ’bout how naturally awesome I am at this whole presidentin’ thing, letting all the ladies know why there’s only one man with the (basket)balls big enough to fill her the Oval Office, and give America what it really needs most.
Four more years of pure, uninterrupted O.
“Well, today, after so many struggles and triumphs and moments that have tested my husband in ways I never could have imagined, I have seen first hand that being president doesn’t change who you are — no, it reveals who you are.”
50 shades of grey(hair) waiting to happen?
“Success isn’t about how much money you make, it’s about the difference you make in people’s lives.”
Not to be confused with indifference, okay, Mitt?
Is it getting hot in here or is Michelle just warming up? Signature sculpted stiff arm smackdown of Mittens in 3,2,1…
“Barack knows the American dream because he’s lived it, and he wants everyone in this country, everyone to have that same opportunity, no matter who we are, or where we’re from, or what we look like, or who we love.”
Even chocolatey-skinned anti-colonial Socialists from the radical nation of Blackistan?
But even more important than capturing the hearts and minds of the people is capturing the most mentions on Twitter. #firstladyoftwitterswag
Michelle’s Twindex, a measure of favorability on Twitter, rose from 71 before her speech to 84 after. Romney’s wife Ann’s Twindex increased more dramatically after her own speech in Tampa, from 45 to 83.
The first lady didn’t just beat Romney; she beat her husband’s 2012 State of the Union address, which peaked at 14,131 TPM.
Eat it Ann! Michelle is President of the Tweets, and Romney will always be President of the Twats.
Speaking of…
Michelle offered appeal “not just as first lady and not just as a wife,” but as “mom-in-chief,” which is still “my most important title.”
“I know from experience that if I truly want to leave a better world for my daughters, and all of our sons and daughters; and if we want to give all our children a foundation for their dreams and opportunities worthy of their promise; if we want to give them that sense of limitless possibility – that belief that here in America, there is always something better out there if you’re willing to work for it, then we must work like never before,” she said, applause building in the hall as she spoke.
“And we must once again come together and stand together for the man we can trust to keep moving this great country forward my husband, our president, President Barack Obama,” the crowd breaking out into roaring cheers.
Comic book villain and talking hairpiece The Donald Trump took to the Twitternets to discuss the relative bangability of non-paying, celebrity sideboob blogmaster extraordinaire, Arianna Huffington.
And guess what, Arianna, you’re fired!
Except for beautiful wifeys #1 & #3, women with accents make him sicker than that Socialist negro NOBAMA in the White House.
Which is why no damn Hurricane, be it Isaac or Arianna, is going to keep The Donald from speaking his mind, in 140 gold-crusted characters, or the old-fashioned way, right out of his big, fat pie hole.
So in lieu of having any actual convention role, The Donald took his sexy combover to Sarasota, Florida to accept a not-at-all ironic award for “GOP Statesman of the Year.” There, he offered his best diplomatic advice about what to do with that birth certificateless bastard Barry Soetoro and the rest of those Democrat freakshows, losers, and queers in what can only be described as a motherf**king statesmanlike tone of voice.
Hint to the GOP: Stop being so God damn nice!
“I hope they are tough as hell and mean as hell and they fight fire with fire. And if they do — and if they’re smart because it’s all about being smart — we’re going to have a great president of the United States.”
God willing the kind that rhymes with Chump.
Trump went on to statesman the living sh*t out of the Obama campaign, calling them “bad people” because of “the kind of things they do and the kind of things they say,” adding, “These people are vicious.”
But to whom have they been so vicious and cruel you wonder? Honest, humble, hardworking job creators like Donald Trump, dignified statesmen who occassionally have to shriek, “You’re Fired!” in the terrified faces of worthless schlubs who can’t cut it in the real world of bad reality teevee.
And what kind of thanks do these national treasures get for trying to do for America what they’ve done for their business?
A sucker punch in the balls by ruthless political operatives who dig up all the miserable, jealous wretches whose lives he destroyed:
“They’ve been tough. They’ve been competitive. They work. They built their business. And honestly, they have left people in their wake, and they’ve made enemies…They can’t really go out there. They can’t put it together because all of those people that they beat consistently over a lifetime…all of those people come back to haunt him.”
The ghost of workers past.
He continued: “And I see it happening with Mitt. Mitt was a successful man, he did a great job.”
If only the American people could give him the pleasure of being/getting unceremoniously fired without the undue burden/nightmarish/unpalatable burden/choice of first being hired/first getting him hired/of first having to say you’re hired.
If only there was some way the American people could experience the pleasure of telling Mitt, “You’re Fired” without the undue burden of first saying having to say, “You’re Hired.”
Trump was scheduled to play a “surprise” role on the first day of the GOP convention in Tampa, Florida, but Monday’s calendar was scrapped due to weather conditions related to Tropical Storm Isaac, CNN reports. However, a convention official suggested Monday at a press conference that Trump may still “show up” at some point this week.
A few days ago the decision was made by RNC organizers to employ the Bush Doctrine and preemptively strike down all convention activites on Monday to avoid a potentially disastrous, massive washing-away of the similarly massive eat mor chikin, do les xrsize convention delegate crowd.
I know what you’re thinking. Why on God’s once-green Earth would the wrath of Jesus Christ in the form of Hurricane Isaac target Tampa now, at precisely the same time all the righteous people in America are gathered there?
Well, thank God Almighty we don’t have to. No, no, I mean literally thank God. This is Republicans we’re talking about!
Specifically, Reverend Jesten Peters of the Florida-based Keys of Authority Ministries, whose congregation prayed hard for this heavenly temper tantrum to reset its navigation course, and take its bitchy, cyclone ass far away from the Republican National Convention in good ol’ God-fearing Tampa.
“We have had lots and lots of people praying around the clock that it would move,” Rev. Peters told Christian Broadcasting Network correspondent Paul Strand. “And after you watch from the very beginning where they were saying it was coming and now where they say it is going, then it has really moved out of the way for us and we appreciate God doing that and moving it for us!”
The sodomites, abortionists, and fornicators of Louisiana are on notice again!
Unfortunately, eager young conservatives’ hopes of being forcibly blown in bushes and back alleys will no longer be fulfilled by Mother Nature, who probably got knocked up anyway. The whore!
Instead, they’ll just have to do it the traditional Republican way: via Craigslist. Like God intended.
If for some reason that no-good, chocolatey-skinned NOBAMER feller were to win reelection, God forbid, and hand over the sovereignty of America to the United Nations, there’d be such chaos in the streets that a 1.7% property tax increase may be the only thing standing between West Texas and Comrade Barry’s Godless U.N. tanks rolling through Lubbock.
Judge Head said he and the county must be prepared for many contingencies, one that he particularly fears, is if President Obama is reelected.
“He’s going to try to hand over the sovereignty of the United States to the UN, and what is going to happen when that happens?,” Head asked.
“I’m thinking the worst. Civil unrest, civil disobedience, civil war maybe. And we’re not just talking a few riots here and demonstrations, we’re talking Lexington, Concord, take up arms and get rid of the guy.”
“Now what’s going to happen if we do that, if the public decides to do that? He’s going to send in U.N. troops. I don’t want ‘em in Lubbock County. OK. So I’m going to stand in front of their armored personnel carrier and say ‘you’re not coming in here’.
“And the sheriff, I’ve already asked him, I said ‘you gonna back me’ he said, ‘yeah, I’ll back you’. Well, I don’t want a bunch of rookies back there. I want trained, equipped, seasoned veteran officers to back me.”
Because you can never be too prepared when UN troops, armored tanks racist wingnut conspiracies run wild.
So to honor this brave, revenue-boostin’, NOBAMA & UN-fightin’ Judge, I propose changing his name from Tom to Richard.
Missouri Congressman, GOP Senate candidate, and living proof of the theory of devolution, Todd Akin knows a few things about the female anatomy, particularly when it comes to the magical powers of women’s reproductive systems, which if you didn’t know, are able to transform into vaginal panic rooms in case of emergencies, like rape.
Because while you may not know the difference between “legitimate” and “illegitimate” rape, Todd Akin and your uterus do. In the case of “legitimate” rape (think white woman/black perp), your omniscient uterus will shut down, trapping the evil rape-sperm and preventing it from reaching your pristine eggs.
“First of all, from what I understand from doctors [pregnancy from rape] is really rare,” Akin told KTVI-TV in an interview Sunday. “If it’s a legitimate rape, the female body has ways to try to shut that whole thing down.”
By “that whole thing” he of course means “pregnancy” because a woman’s womb is much like a maximum security prison, one breach or unauthorized entry and BAM! sirens blare, exits seal, lights scour, dogs sic, rifles ready, and the whole apparatus goes on lockdown.
But if “legitimate” rape causes lady parts to snap like Venus Fly Traps, what about the approximately 32,000 women who become pregnant each year from rape?
Simple science! Clearly, they were the victims of “illegitimate” rape, meaning the dumb slut was practically begging for it, and has no one to blame but her own loosey-goosey self for her misjudgment, as well as the blessed miracle of forced penetration God will now bestow upon her.
Akin believes that even in the worst-case scenario — when the supposed natural protections against unwanted pregnancy fail — abortion should still not be a legal option for the rape victim.
“Let’s assume that maybe that didn’t work, or something,” Akin said. “I think there should be some punishment, but the punishment ought to be on the rapist and not attacking the child.”
That doesn’t happen until after the child’s born. C’mon, the man’s a Republican, not a monster, or something!
For some bizarre reason, Republicans are trying to distance themselves from Akin’s forcible, illegitimate assault upon logic, reality, and women everywhere, with some even calling on him to withdraw from the race altogether. Only problem is Republicans don’t know how to pull out. It’s against their religion!
Oh wait, I just remembered the magical powers of America’s collective lady parts. Next time Todd Akin is raping America’s sensibilities with whatever horrifyingly dumb, offensive words are coming out of his mouth, our vaginas will simply spring into sperm-rejecting action.
You know, “shut that whole thing down.” Welcome to Pussy Riot, American style!
When not condemning the poor and old to a life of never-ending misery, baggy-clothed fitness buff and fiscal sociopath Paul Ryan (R-P90x) is learning the hard way the perils of being an insufferable hypocrite, a walking contradiction, The Man.
Turns out not everyone appreciates Republican VP candidate Paul Ryan’s taste in music, namely Tom Morello, lead guitarist of Ryan’s self-proclaimed favorite band Rage Against The Machine, who says, “Paul Ryan’s love of Rage Against the Machine is amusing, because he is the embodiment of the machine that our music has been raging against for two decades.”
Ryan claims that he likes Rage’s sound, but not the lyrics. Well, I don’t care for Paul Ryan’s sound or his lyrics. He can like whatever bands he wants, but his guiding vision of shifting revenue more radically to the one percent is antithetical to the message of Rage.
Perhaps Morello should change the band’s name to Rage Against Paul Ryan?
In an op-ed piece he penned for Rolling Stone, Morello likens Ryan’s admiration of Rage to New Jersey governor Chris Christie’s love of Bruce Springsteen and cult leader Charles Manson’s love of the Beatles in that both claimed to be fans of the bands, “but didn’t understand them.”
I wonder what Ryan’s favorite Rage song is? Is it the one where we condemn the genocide of Native Americans? The one lambasting American imperialism? Our cover of “Fuck the Police”? Or is it the one where we call on the people to seize the means of production? So many excellent choices to jam out to at Young Republican meetings!
Don’t mistake me, I clearly see that Ryan has a whole lotta “rage” in him: A rage against women, a rage against immigrants, a rage against workers, a rage against gays, a rage against the poor, a rage against the environment. Basically the only thing he’s not raging against is the privileged elite he’s groveling in front of for campaign contributions.
Or as Tom likes to say, Bull(shit) on Parade.
To which Rep. Paul Ryan responded by saying he was under the mistaken impression that the “Machine” in the band’s name was a NordicTrack, which clearly violates the GOP’s “No Foreigners Allowed” policy.
OMG, people, did you hear the news? The terrible, no-good, Earth-shattering, game-changing news about Joe Biden saying the word “chains,” which is taboo because it is racist against Mitt Romney and also “divisive” “disgusting” and “not uplifitng,” three things Republicans know absolutely nothing about. Nothing!
Well, well Mittens isn’t going to take this insubordination sitting down. Heck no, it’ll just wrinkle his pants.
“After weeks of slanderous and baseless accusations leveled against Governor Romney, the Obama Campaign has reached a new low,” press secretary Andrea Saul said in a statement. “The comments made by the Vice President of the United States are not acceptable in our political discourse and demonstrate yet again that the Obama Campaign will say and do anything to win this election. President Obama should tell the American people whether he agrees with Joe Biden’s comments.”
And while you’re at it, Barry, kindly halt this whole “running for president” thing you’ve been doing because, really, it’s just not fair. Mittens Romney needs our full support!
I know what you’re thinking. But what does the Queen of Effective Campaigns (and Queen of America’s Heart), former half-term governor Sarah Palin think about mean ol’ Joe’s mean ol’ fightin’ words?
SARAH PALIN: There weren’t enough groans and boos when he said such a disgusting comment, really, especially to a demographic there that is — includes about 48 percent of the community being black Americans.
Greta, if that’s not the nail in the coffin, really, the strategists there in the Obama campaign have got to look at a diplomatic way of replacing Joe Biden on the ticket with Hillary. And I don’t want to throw out that suggestion and have them actually accept the suggestion because then an Obama-Hillary Clinton ticket would have a darn good chance of winning.
But really, Joe Biden really drags down that ticket.
And who knows more about dead weight than our Alaskan Snow Princess SarBear?
It is one thing for Mitt Romney, Paul Ryan, Rush Limbaugh, Donald Trump, and every Republican in existence to spend the last four years calling the Democratically-elected President of the United States a secret Muslim Socialist Terrorist anti-colonial Marxist from Kenya who doesn’t understand America because he is “not white” and is nothing but some dumb community organizer who bows to foreigners and probably didn’t even really kill Bin Laden. But heavens to betsy, Joe Biden says a common, accurate metaphor about how “unshackling Wall Street” will lead to the middle class being “back in chains”, with BLACK PEOPLE ARE IN THE ROOM!?!? And he said “y’all?” OMG! Someone get him a white robe and hood, quick!
In the meantime, Mittens will take his noble fight for the right to lie and deceive all while feigning insult, straight to the umm, what do you call them, again? Oh yeah, people. Hand sanitizer, please!
President Obama’s campaign and his surrogates have made wild and reckless accusations that disgrace the office of the Presidency. Another outrageous charge came yesterday in Virginia. And the White House sinks a little bit lower.
This is what an angry and desperate Presidency looks like.
President Obama knows better and promised better; and America deserves better.
Sign the petition if you agree President Obama should take his campaign of division and anger and hate back to Chicago.
Got it, NOBAMA? Major metropolitan areas are for losers. Besides, Mitt feels right at home surrounded by endless acres of sparsely populated rural America.
Don’t Worry Baby, Uncle Joe’s 100% Behind You!
