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Lindsay Lohan Proves That Undecided Voters Aren't Just Idiots, They're Spoiled Drug Addicts Too

LOLZ, so true! Decisions can be so, umm, what’s the word I’m looking for again, err, oh yeah, hard. Yes, decisions can be sooo hard!

Lindsay Lohan totes gets this! She simply does not know what to do about this whole “presidential race” thing, and it is like seriously stressing her out. Like WAY more than her annoyo parents!

Via NewYorkMag:

While the New York Times reports that most viewers found the third presidential debate boring — with the exception of President Obama’s meme-ready talk of bayonets and Battleship — one extremely important American was paying close attention. Earlier this month chronically underemployed former child star Lindsay Lohan said she was supporting Mitt Romney because “employment is really important right now,” but Politico reports that on Monday she retweeted a message from the Obama campaign: “RT if you’re #ProudOfObama as our commander in chief.” Then, securing her position as the nation’s most undecided voter, Lohan deleted the tweet and declared that no one is more stressed about this historic decision than she is. “Nice work to both @BarackObama and @mittromney…” wrote Lohan. “i’m so relieved that its over. Maybe more than both of you..severe anxiety-God Bless xo L.”

Oh nozies! Poor baby. You should really do something about all that stress and anxiety, Linds. Like maybe whatever is floating at the bottom of your purse, preferably in pill form, right next to the cocaine, dope, heroin, ketamine, PCP, ecstasy, mescaline, ‘shrooms, smack, salvia, bath salts, Patrón-soaked tampons, and parliament lights.

What?? It’s there BECAUSE she’s sober, you guys! Duh.

Why else would she defend Mitten’s antiquated policies against that meany Obama on Twitter if her mind weren’t as crystal clear as the methamphetamine she’s smoking??

“1920s, 1950s…. ITS ALL THE SAME, History repeats itself…. Only if you let it,” Lindsay wrote, presumably while scribbling furiously on a chalkboard, as part of her signature three-woman re-creation of “Mean Girls” with Ali and Dina in her basement.

Like, say, your first DUI followed by your next 10?

Luckily for LinLo, her asinine inability to decide which completely opposite candidate should receive her coveted celebrity druggie endorsement is as relevant as her acting career, because…WAIT FOR IT…she isn’t even registered to vote.

Which could only mean one thing for Barack Obama and Mitt Romney.

They got 99 problems, but a bitch ain’t one!

[images via Buzzfeed/Wonkette]

President Obama Diagnoses Mitt Romney With "Romnesia," The Mysterious Disease That Causes Him To Forget His Own Positions

Dr. Barack H. Obama, MD has seen the symptoms – the backtracking & sidestepping, the flipping & flopping, the waffling and wavering – and is ready to diagnose rival Mitt Romney with what’s been ailing him.

Looks like Mr. “Severely Conservative” has a severe case of Romnesia, a condition he’s been suffering from all election season long.

Speaking to students at George Mason University in Virginia, President Obama warned about the dangers of the debilitating disease known as Romnesia, not to be confused with Mitt’s similarly symptomatic ailment, assholitis:

Now, I’m not a medical doctor but I do want to go over some of the symptoms with you because I want to make sure nobody else catches it.

If you say you’re for equal pay for equal work, but you keep refusing to say whether or not you’d sign a bill that protects equal pay for equal work – you might have Romnesia.

If you say women should have access to contraceptive care, but you support legislation that would let your employer deny you contraceptive care – you might have a case of Romnesia.

If you say you’ll protect a woman’s right to choose, but you stand up at a primary debate and said that you’d be “delighted” to sign a law outlawing that right to choose in all cases – man, you’ve definitely got Romnesia.

Now, this extends to other issues. If you say earlier in the year I’m going to give a tax cut to the top 1 percent and then in a debate you say, I don’t know anything about giving tax cuts to rich folks – you need to get a thermometer, take your temperature, because you’ve probably got Romnesia.

If you say that you’re a champion of the coal industry when while you were Governor you stood in front of a coal plant and said, this plant will kill you – that’s some Romnesia.

Oh no! But how does someone know if they too are suffering from Romnesia or are just a terrible person/pathological liar?

So – I think you’re beginning to be able to identify these symptoms. And if you come down with a case of Romnesia, and you can’t seem to remember the policies that are still on your website, or the promises you’ve made over the six years you’ve been running for President, here’s the good news: Obamacare covers pre-existing conditions. We can fix you up. We’ve got a cure.

More cowbell??

We can make you well, Virginia. This is a curable disease.

Unlike, say, being from Virginia. Or that other devastating illness afflicting Mitt, foot-and-mouth disease.

Which in his case is more like foot-in-mouth disease.

[video via DailyKos]

The Lies That Bind: Mitt Romney Loves Women So Much He Has Binders Full Of Them

U Mad Bro?

Oh Mittens! Fresh off schooling President NOBAMA in the first debate through his devastating combo of shrieking, lying, and threatening to murder Big Bird, Mitt Romney was once again locked, loaded (I don’t mean $$$), and ready to Bain Capital the shit out of Barack Obama.

Are you ready to rumble, America?

Good because just like any presidential debate worth its weight in rude interruptions and awkward pauses, records will be smashed (officially the most black people Romney has ever talked to in a night!), positions will be clarified (in Mitt’s case, missionary style only!), moderators will be sacrificed, ladies will be put in their places (inside three-ring notebooks), and most importantly, internet memes will be created.

When the candidates weren’t too busy talking over each other, Mitt Romney was his usual stuttering mess, making weird, unsupported claims about how he totally supports chick workers having access to slut pills even if they work at holy places of God like chick-fil-A, and also blah blah, something about women and binders…

Wait, what??

“We took a concerted effort to go out and find women who had backgrounds that could be qualified to become members of our cabinet,” Romney said in response to President Obama’s touting of the Lilly Ledbetter Fair Pay Act. “I went to a number of women’s groups and said, ‘Can you help us find folks,’ and they brought us whole binders full of women.”

Sorry Beyoncé, but in that case, Ladies, better put three rings on it!

After all, Mitt Romney knows they don’t call them TrapHER KeepHERs for nothing.

[image via TalkingPointsMemo/Tumblr]

Duck, Duck, Gay? Homeschooled Teen Girl Wisely Teaches World That Evolution Turns Gay People Into Ducks

Donald & Daffy Not Donald & Ronald!

Are you a good, Jesus-loving Christian who fears the heathen public school system will turn your once-innocent child into a raging homosexual liberal who believes in crazy things like science and history?

Yes? Then do we have the education solution for you, my friend! It’s called homeschooling and it’s guaranteed to make sure your precious li’l miracle of God stays as narrow-minded and ignorant as you, but without the dangerous temptation of actually being around other similarly-aged human beings who are not blood relatives.

Hooray!

Just look at this wonderful letter to the editor from 14-year-old New Zealand homeschooled teen Jasmin H., who applies her special(needs) homespun knowledge of evolution — which she naturally doesn’t “believe” in — to explain why gays should not be allowed to marry because of ducks and also Romans doing homo stuff in each other’s butts.

behold the smartitude!

You too could have all the wisdom, logic, and insight of Jasmin, who thanks to Mother’s tireless teachings, can now explain very complicated matters such as how evolution proves that being gay makes you compete with ducks, if evolution were a thing, which, thank Jesus, it isn’t.

“I don’t want my children to have to compete with ducks,” Jasmin implores. “I want them to evolve further than I have.”

Oh don’t you worry about that, Jas!

“Ducks always nest in pairs and if we allow same-sex marriage, then the ducks will have evolved further than we have.”

What the duck!?!?

“They should be consistent,” she insists. “If you believe in evolution, you can’t be in favour of homosexuality, or the ducks will get you in the end.”

“In the end?” Hmm, sounds a little gay for my liking.

Either way, thank you Jasmin for teaching the whole world this very important lesson.

So remember kids, if it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck…KILL IT WITH FIRE! It’s probably gay.

[image via Shutterstock] 

Dreams Of My Fatherland: Wingnut Arkansas Rep. Jon Hubbard Pens Tribute To Slavery & Nazism Proving Little Rock Isn't Just A Capital, But What's Between Their Ears

Arkansas Representative Jon Hubbard (R-Whitelandia) isn’t afraid to speak his mind, probably because eating paint chips was part of a balanced breakfast growing up in Arkansas.

Because much like other disturbed Hubbards before him, L. Jon Hubbard (The L stands for lunatic) has an unconventional way of looking at things, specifically the merits of slavery (hard work at half the price!), Nazis (maniacs or misunderstood?), and of course the importance of edjukashin so that never again will the sanctity of America be destroyed by a scary black man occupying the (once pure) White House.

You can have all that and more thanks to Jon Hubbard’s “Letters to the Editor: Confessions of a Frustrated Conservative,” widely available on Amazon as a way to remind us all that evolution may actually be a myth, or at least when it comes to Republicans in the American South.

Via Arkansas Times:

Slavery was good for black people:

“… the institution of slavery that the black race has long believed to be an abomination upon its people may actually have been a blessing in disguise. The blacks who could endure those conditions and circumstances would someday be rewarded with citizenship in the greatest nation ever established upon the face of the Earth.” (Pages 183-89)

And maybe just maybe if they worked hard enough someday they too would be allowed to vote, own property, play sports, hold office, marry a white woman, and be as miserable and undersexed as the rest of us not deprived equal rights under the law.

Besides, on the bright side, they could have still been in Africa, which is like a billion times worse than slavery or something.

If you think slavery was bad, you should have seen Africa:

African Americans must “understand that even while in the throes of slavery, their lives as Americans are likely much better than they ever would have enjoyed living in sub-Saharan Africa.”“Knowing what we know today about life on the African continent, would an existence spent in slavery have been any crueler than a life spent in sub-Saharan Africa?” (Pages 93 and 189)

Certainly no crueler than a life spent in sub-Mason Dixon Arkansas. But you can’t expect blacks to understand this because they aren’t very good at book learnin’ unlike white Southern Dixiecrats like Hubbard, who excel at the arts of racism and rhetoric.

Black people are ignorant:

“Wouldn’t life for blacks in America today be more enjoyable and successful if they would only learn to appreciate the value of a good education?” (Page 184)

Yeah maybe if they tried a little harder, they could actually do something important like become president.

But noooooo. All they (the blacks) want to do is ruin school for everyone (the whites) by, wait for it, also attending them. The nerve!

Integration was bad for white people:

“… one of the stated purposes of school integration was to bring black students up to a level close to that of white students. But, to the great disappointment of everyone, the results of this theory worked exactly in reverse of its intended purpose, and instead of black students rising to the educational levels previously attained by white students, the white students dropped to the level of black students. To make matters worse the lack of discipline and ambition of black students soon became shared by their white classmates, and our educational system has been in a steady decline ever since.” (Page 27)

See, it’s not Hubbard’s fault he’s an idiot. It’s all integration’s!

It’s basically hopeless.

“… will it ever become possible for black people in the United States of America to firmly establish themselves as inclusive and contributing members of society within this country?” (Page 187)

No, when they are not too busy occupying the highest office in the land, they are forever doomed to dominating all professional sports in America. Watch out hockey, you’re next!

Speaking of powerful white men trying to slap a shiny black object as far away from them as possible…

Immigration is bad.

..the immigration issue, both legal and illegal… will lead to planned wars or extermination. Although now this seems to be barbaric and uncivilized, it will at some point become as necessary as eating and breathing.” (Page 9)

Like chick-fil-A and Medicare oxygen tanks now.

Don’t forget Nazi Germany.

“American Christians are assuming a similar stance as did the citizens of Germany during Hitler’s rise to power.” (Page 158)

A brainwashed, backwards mass of anti-science psychos huddled angrily around a massive bonfire burning books, Jews, and anything else with signs of intelligent life?

Jesus Christ, that’s accurate!

[image via Wonkette]

Bye Bye Birdie: Fightin' Mitt Romney Brings His Knack For Firing People To Prime Time!

Well hellooooo America! In case you missed Wednesday night’s 90-minute tragicomedy, fear not my friend, because the Internets have got you covered!

And the winner is…you, America! For having the privilege of witnessing Jim Lehrer get emasculated by Mitt Romney, who will tell him when he’s done speaking, GOD DAMN IT!

“NO, I AM NOT DONE, JIM. NOW SHUT UP BEFORE I DO TO YOU WHAT I AM GOING TO DO TO THAT BIG STUPID BIRD ALWAYS PRATTLING ON ABOUT LEARNING AND KINDNESS.”

How does ending up beer battered, deep fried, deeply hostile to gays, and tucked snuggly between two signature chick-fil-a buns sound? How’s that for getting yourself in a pickle?

Do you even know who Mitt’s father is?? Ugh, filthy commoners.

Good thing the Internets (and Chris Matthews!) can tell winners from losers, and clearly the big winner in this very important first-of-three-debates-nobody-watches is Mittens Romney, for bravely showing up the same stiff, insufferable robot as usual without insulting anyone to their faces, except  threatening to kill two birds, one big & yellow, the other small & yellow, with one stone cold budget slash. Yes Jim Lehrer, being a chicken does count as a bird.

You see, the Internets understands people like confidence, especially the cracked out maniacal kind who lies every time he opens his mouth because honesty is for suckers who pay taxes not presidential candidates who hide secret bank accounts in the Cayman Islands.

So hooray for Mittens Romney and the DEBATE PERFORMANCE OF THE CENTURY!

America has always had a soft spot for obscenely rich assholes who make them feel all worthless and dirty inside. Or at least 47% of them.

Even better are pathological liars whose most substantitve policy point of the night is keeping our children off the street children’s Muppets off Sesame Street and into the nearest Homeless shelter where they belong.

Redistribution, Romney style.

[image via Salon]

No Laughing Matter: Scott Brown's "Model" Justice Is All Of Them But Really Whoever People Like Best

Ah, the smell of manliness and money in the air can only mean one thing: debate time in Massachussets!

Get your abs chiseled, tomahawks chopping, racist Native American war-chants whooping, and get ready to watch Scott Brown show Elizabeth Warren a thing or two about why women are too stupid and weak to win anything except maybe a Pillsbury bake off, or if they’re really lucky, a chance for Scott Brown to pleasure them with his dick(ishness) on national teevee.

Hooray!

But before he is qualified to represent the elitist liberals and queers of Mitt Romney’s Taxachussets as their esteemed centerfold senator, Scott Brown must first answer a simple question.

Unfortunately, it turns out that much like Sarah Palin, easy answers to simple questions is Scott Brown’s kryptonite. How will he Superman dat ho now?

Asked by debate moderator and fellow strapping hunk of testosterone David Gregory, “Who is your model Supreme Court justice?” Brown fumbled around for about five awkward seconds (think Scott think, damn it!) before blurting out the worst possible answer to anyone who doesn’t enjoy bigoted old misogynist white men deciding what they can (make dinner?) and cannot (everything else) do.

“Antonin Scalia,” he said to disapproving boos from the crowd.

Uh oh, bad answer. Quick Scott, name someone else!

Justice Anthony Kennedy. Oops, I mean John Roberts. Did I say Roberts? I mean Sonia Sotomayor. Yeah the Mexican Soto lady for sure!

And the fact that they couldn’t be more different than say a lovely scholar and dedicated public servant named Elizabeth and a sleazy two bit cosmo model named Scott??

“That’s the beauty of being an independent, David. … I don’t need to pick one. We have plenty of justices up there, and I’m proud of the ones we have.”

It’s also the beauty of being an asshole! Besides, his real favorite model judge is the one who picked him for the Cosmo cover, obviously.

Such A Lady: Even Ever-Lovely Elizabeth Can’t Stop Laughing At Scott’s Stupidity

[image via Buzzfeed]

Mitt Romney Can't Even Lead A Chant Of His Own Name Without Giving The World Douche Chills

You know things are bad when not a single day goes by without you inadvertently making an ass of yourself, giving the American people yet another a reason to point their finger and laugh at your flailing, almost cartoonish incompetence.

And whether it is telling 47% of the public to go f**k themselves and their poor, starving children or suddenly developing the complexion of a migrant worker when speaking to prospective Latino voters, Mitt Romney is more than capable of blundering even the most mundane task.

Like, say, at a rally in Vandalia, Ohio where Mittens thanked running mate and faux running man Paul Ryan for his stump speech by attempting–and failing!–to explain to the crowd the proper way to chant at a Mitt Romney rally.

Hint: It doesn’t go “Ryan, Ryan!”

Unfortunately for Mitt, leadership isn’t exactly his strong suit. If only elections were judged on ability to fire people…

In his defense, Romney supporters really aren’t very bright. Though all that white sure can seem blinding!

[video via YouTube]

What Is White, Brown, & Smug All Over? Mitt Romney Courting Latino Voters

¡Ay, caramba!

Desperate times call for desperate measures. And if there were ever a presidential candidate well versed in the realm of desperation, it is undoubtedly Mitt Romney.

You see, Mittens has had a very tough week! After all, it’s not every day that a secret video leaks with the GOP nominee insulting 47% of the American public for having the audacity to think their lazy, no-good, freeloadin’ rear ends deserve such frivilous entitlements as food and shelter. Get a job son!

But it’s not like Mitt doesn’t understand your struggles. Just think how easy his life would be if he were born Latino instead of the white son of a millionaire. Why, he would waltz, err, make that salsa right into the White House, excuse me, Casa Blanca, faster than you can say Speedy Gonzales!

But since we can’t change history or choose our cultural heritage whenever it is politically convenient, Mitt did the next best thing to promote his flailing candidacy to yet another group of Americans that pretty much can’t stand him, Latinos.

Because what better way to convince the 60% of Latino voters who think he’s an out-of-touch weirdo who supports awful, racist immigration policies than by becoming one himself?

Señoras y señores, I present to you the new and improved, sunkissed, Univision ready, Mitteo Romneyguez!

Sure, Mittens looks suspiciously tanner, oranger and less the pasty white hue of Mormon privilege he’s usually sporting. But does that mean he confused winning “brownie points” with “browning points” and dipped his face in a vat of super dark just to woo Latin voters with the kind of glowing bronzed skin they can relate to?

Who knows!?

Perhaps he’s been spending too much time with John Boehner or maybe his deep love for Snooki (and her tiny new shape) has manifested itself in the form of his new foundation shade, Pander Bear Brown?

Whatever the case, one thing’s for sure: he is the Juan Percent!

[images via AP]

Money Talks: In Mitt Romney's Case It Also Offends

Oh Mittens! He’s just like you, America, except that he grew up the privileged son of a Governor and went to elitist east coast prep schools followed by elitist east coast Ivy League universities where he met all kinds of powerful people who could help him amass the kind of ungodly wealth that makes car elevators and secret offshore bank accounts in the Cayman Islands not luxuries, but necessities.

But that’s not all! It is also the kind of vast, unimagimable wealth that turns normal(?) human beings into stiff, uncaring robots devoid of emotion, and unable to relate to dumb schlubs like you or me who don’t have net worths between $190–250 million without actually working a single day in years.

This makes Mittens better than you in almost every way, except of course judging what normal people make. Normal people who don’t get filthy rich firing people for a living, that is.

Yeah, he’s not so great at that.

GEORGE STEPHANOPOULOS: Is $100,000 middle income?

MITT ROMNEY: No, middle income is $200,000 to $250,000 and less.

Umm, ok maybe on the magical Mormon planet Kolob $200,000 is considered “middle income.” But here on planet Earth, “middle” is typically NOT defined as the top 5% of earners, which according to the Tax Policy Center, is reserved for those poor saps bringing in more than $180,000. Must be hard!

So remember people, if you’re struggling to quadruple the size of your San Diego beach house, renovate your custom chef’s kitchen, upgrade your luxury SUV, or simply make ends meet on only a paltry $250,000 a year, Mitt Romney shares your pain.

After all, he knows better than anyone today’s cost of living.

A dozen (Fabergé) eggs just ain’t what it used to be!

[image via Wonkette]