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Supreme Court To Decide If Gays Deserve To Be As Miserable & Undersexed As The Rest Of America

like we were gonna have better alt-text than "i robbed the rainbow to make you gay."

Hooray homosexuals, the magical time has come! The Supreme Court has finally decided to hear your queer cases about all the queer things you gays do, like gay serve in the military and get gay-married, in the hopes of maybe one day being treated like a normal, non-gay citizen of the United States without having to beg.

Ingrates!

As if dying for your country wasn’t enough! It’s like they say, give an inch, take a mile, or something like that.

WHAT ELSE DO YOU PEOPLE WANT FROM US?

(Other than equal rights of course!)

Via the AP:

The Supreme Court will take up California’s ban on same-sex marriage, a case that could give the justices the chance to rule on whether gay Americans have the same constitutional right to marry as heterosexuals.

Eeny, meeny, miny, moe…

The justices said Friday they will review a federal appeals court ruling that struck down the state’s gay marriage ban, though on narrow grounds. The San Francisco-based appeals court said the state could not take away the same-sex marriage right that had been granted by California’s Supreme Court.

The court also will decide whether Congress can deprive legally married gay couples of federal benefits otherwise available to married people.

Oooh, please say yes, please say yes!

A provision of the federal Defense of Marriage Act limits a range of health and pension benefits, as well as favorable tax treatment, to heterosexual couples.

Like Jesus intended.

The cases probably will be argued in March, with decisions expected by late June.

Oooh goody! Just in time to bust out your seasonal whites!

Gay marriage is legal, or will be soon, in nine states – Connecticut, Iowa, Maine, Maryland, Massachusetts, New Hampshire, New York, Vermont, Washington – and the District of Columbia. Federal courts in California have struck down the state’s constitutional ban on same-sex marriage, but that ruling has not taken effect while the issue is being appealed.

Voters in Maine, Maryland and Washington approved gay marriage earlier this month.

Soon to be followed by eternal hellfire and brimstone.

But 31 states have amended their constitutions to prohibit same-sex marriage. North Carolina was the most recent example in May. In Minnesota earlier this month, voters defeated a proposal to enshrine a ban on gay marriage in that state’s constitution.

Oh no! Now who is going to protect the sanctity of Marcus and Michele Bachmann’s holy union of one “straight” man and one straight-jacketed woman.

The biggest potential issue before the justices comes in the dispute over California’s Proposition 8, the state constitutional ban on gay marriage that voters adopted in 2008 after the state Supreme Court ruled that gay Californians could marry. The case could allow the justices to decide whether the U.S. Constitution’s guarantee of equal protection means that the right to marriage cannot be limited to heterosexuals.

Unlike, say, a guaranteed spot in the eternal kingdom of heaven.

A decision in favor of gay marriage could set a national rule and overturn every state constitutional provision and law banning same-sex marriages. A ruling that upheld California’s ban would be a setback for gay marriage proponents in the nation’s largest state, although it would leave open the state-by-state effort to allow gays and lesbians to marry.

In striking down Proposition 8, the 9th U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals crafted a narrow ruling that said because gay Californians already had been given the right to marry, the state could not later take it away. The ruling studiously avoided any sweeping pronouncements.

The larger constitutional issue almost certainly will be presented to the court, but the justices would not necessarily have to rule on it.

Phew! Action can be sooooo exhausting!

The other issue the high court will take on involves a provision of the Defense of Marriage Act, known by its acronym DOMA, which defines marriage as between a man and a woman for the purpose of deciding who can receive a range of federal benefits.

Also for the purpose of having a big strong man supervise a fragile, emotionally unstable woman.

Four federal district courts and two appeals courts struck down the provision.

The justices chose for their review the case of 83-year-old Edith Windsor, who sued to challenge a $363,000 federal estate tax bill after her partner of 44 years died in 2009.

Windsor, who goes by Edie, married Thea Spyer in 2007 after doctors told them that Spyer would not live much longer. She suffered from multiple sclerosis for many years. Spyer left everything she had to Windsor.

There is no dispute that if Windsor had been married to a man, her estate tax bill would have been $0.

The 2nd U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals in New York agreed with a district judge that the provision of DOMA deprived Windsor of the constitutional guarantee of equal protection.

Yes, but only if gay counts as human, whose definition oddly already extends to Antonin Scalia.

Who, along with the other three Supreme Court wingnuts, will do their very best to make sure that (in)justice is served.

God Bless the United Straights of America!

[images via Wonkette]

Like Any Top Predator, Rep. Virginia Foxx Will Aggressively Defend Her Turf, Including ‘Members Only’ Elevators From Invading Junior Staffers

All The Bitches In The Room Put Your Hand Up!

Old pasty white Representative of North Carolina Virginia Foxx (R-Cranky) may have the last name of an omnivorous mammal belonging to the Canidae family, but her personality is more like a starved, tortured dog belonging to the Vick family.

Ruff!

Just look what happened when some lowly, no-good House staffer had the (meat)balls big enough to step into an elevator reserved for House members only, and stand face-t0-face with the highly endangered, apex predator known as Virginia Foxx.

According to The Hill:

Foxx, a member of the House Committee on Rules who was just elected Secretary of the House Republican Conference, exploded after running into the staffer inside the Longworth House Office Building’s “members only” elevator.

According to the source, the regular elevator was being occupied by furniture movers, so the staffer decided to hitch a short ride in the restricted elevator, expecting the one-time occurrence to go unnoticed.

The elevator went up a single floor before the doors opened and Foxx walked in with an aide.

As soon as Foxx stepped into the elevator, she allegedly demanded to know for whom the staffer worked, before summarily ordering her to “get out.”

Foxx said to the staffer, “This is a ‘members-only’ elevator; can you read? Get out of here! What does this sign say? It says, ‘Members of Congress only.'”

The staffer attempted to point out that the sign next to it stated, “during votes,” which is when Foxx started yelling, “Members only!” as she pointed to signs.

“I’m just making sure we are hiring people who know how to read,” the not-at-all-ironically-misspelled lawmaker said.

Oooh, foxxy lady. Literate too!

But since when do Republicans know how to read anything, let alone the writing on the wall?

Foxx’s press secretary and fellow spelling rogue Ericka Perryman, noted it must be a slow news day, telling The Hill in an email, “This is silly. But it is interesting to see what great lengths of exaggeration some disrespectful junior staffers will go to just to read about themselves in the paper.”

I mean seriously what the FOXX??

Everyone knows a junior staffers real job isn’t to read the paper, it’s to fetch the paper.

Now that’s the kind of bitch even a Foxx could love!

[image via Gawker]

Mr. Smith Goes To Washington To Kill The Polar Bears & Fight The Threat Of Knowledge

Can I Get A Hand, Lamar?

Hey America, remember all those binders full of women the GOP had stashed away, waiting to free from their three-ringed cages and unleash a wave of estrogen-filled pragmatism upon the land?

Neither do Republicans. Instead they’ve decided that old white men are really the only diversity they need, particularly if that old white man doesn’t believe in liberal elitist gobbledygook like climate change.

In which case he automatically qualifies for the coveted House Committee on Science, Space, and Technology, where he can continue his brave quest denying the very existence of the subject his panel is supposed to be so diligently protecting.

Ladies and Gentleman (hahaha, just kidding, ladies don’t count), I present to you the latest, greatest wingnut to wield a disturbing amount of power to go with a disturbing lack of intelligence, Texas Representative Lamar Smith (R-Denial).

Hooray!

You may remember ol’ Lamar from his courageous speech on the House floor after some made-up “Climate Gate” scandal back in 2009. Via Think Progress:

“We now know that prominent scientists were so determined to advance the idea of human-made global warming that they worked together to hide contradictory temperature data. But for two weeks, none of the networks gave the scandal any coverage on their evening news programs. And when they finally did cover it, their reporting was largely slanted in favor of global warming alarmists. The networks have shown a steady pattern of bias on climate change. During a six-month period, four out of five network news reports failed to acknowledge any dissenting opinions about global warming, according to a Business and Media Institute study. The networks should tell Americans the truth, rather than hide the facts.”

Yes, damn it, the truth! Like Lamar Smith as a loving, intelligent man who cares about the planet as much as every other oil-and-gas-corporate shill profiting wildly off its destruction.

Because the fact is man-made climate change is a big fat myth and Lamar Smith is just the big fat idiot to ignore it.

[image via Wonkette]

Failed Family Values Republican Candidate Proves He's Still #1 At Beating His Wife

Stop me if you’ve heard this before: A wingnut Republican from some bumblef*ck place in the South is caught abortin’, fornicatin’, beatin’, lyin’ or pretty much doing the one terrible, non-Jesusy thing they are always shrieking about, other than that black feller in the White House.

Like the newest member of the fraternity of Grand Old Posers facing criminal charges, Republican nominee for Tennessee’s 5th Congressional District and Hypocrite of the Year, Brad Staats (no relation to ungodly statistics), who was arrested and charged with domestic assault for beating his wife on Sunday.

On Sunday, police were called to his home by his wife, Bethany. She told officers Staats had slapped her in the face and left a red mark on her cheek.

A police affidavit [PDF] confirmed her statement. “Mr. Staats when questioned stated that during a verbal argument he pushed his wife Ms. Staats down onto a bed then left the location,” read the affidavit.

Reached for comment by the Tennessean, Staats would not comment on the incident except to the situation was “not what it appears to be.”

Of course not! He simply confused God’s commandment to rest on Sunday with getting arrested on Sunday. An honest mistake!

Staats was booked into Davidson County Jail on a charge of misdemeanor domestic assault. He was released after posting a $5,000 bond.

Brad Staats, a “family-matters” conservative who championed “traditional marriage” and “social values,” but lost the election to Democratic incumbent Jim Cooper by 85,000 votes, made national headlines last month when he posted a photo of a handgun on his Facebook page along with the caption “welcome to Tennessee Mr. Obama.”

“Many people in Tennessee keep asking me about my opinion on Second Amendment rights. Apparently Tennesseans are part of that crazy crowd that Obama says ‘cling to (their) religion and guns,'” Staats wrote, referencing remarks made by then-candidate Obama at a California fundraiser in 2008. “Well, then I must be part of that crazy crowd. Here is something that I usually have with me. Welcome to Tennessee Mr. Obama.”

Say hello to my little friend! And I don’t mean the one between his legs.

The photo of a Colt 911 semi-automatic pistol raised concerns among some who thought Staats might be threatening the President.

But the candidate denied any menacing undertones in his message, telling The Tennessean, “I’m not one of those that would ever threaten the president.”

That, my friends, is reserved for his wife.

In a follow-up post published yesterday and since removed, Staats asked his followers, “Is our current administration filled with traitors? Is our president a traitor? Is Barak (sic) Hussein Obama qualified to be president?”

Hmm, I don’t know. Is a person who can’t even spell the President’s name correctly (or his own dumb last name for that matter) qualified to be elected pass Kindergarten??

The world may never know.

What we do know is that when it comes to failed ‘family values’ Republican hypocrites, beating your spouse of the opposite sex is about as traditional as marriage gets.

[images via Gawker]

Marco Rubio Is An Idiot, Not A Scientist, Automatically Qualifying Him As 2016 GOP Frontrunner

The Grand Old Party of Grandfatherly Old White Men hasn’t been doing so hot with the under 65, non-racist, non-legitimate rape-and-fetus-obsessed crowd, probably because they’re usually too busy condemning them to hell instead.

Good thing, there is one young, strapping, hip-hop lovin’ Cuban man ready to rise from the Mitt Romney-tinged ashes of the Republican Party to ignore scientific fact and deny basic human rights like Jesus intended.

Marco Rubio may not be a scientist, hell, he may not even believe in science, but he sure knows the only way to deal with Mitt Romney’s giant white-dude loss is by Livin’ La Vida Loca.

Via GQ:

GQ: How old do you think the Earth is?

Marco Rubio: I’m not a scientist, man. I can tell you what recorded history says, I can tell you what the Bible says, but I think that’s a dispute amongst theologians and I think it has nothing to do with the gross domestic product or economic growth of the United States. I think the age of the universe has zero to do with how our economy is going to grow. I’m not a scientist. I don’t think I’m qualified to answer a question like that. At the end of the day, I think there are multiple theories out there on how the universe was created and I think this is a country where people should have the opportunity to teach them all. I think parents should be able to teach their kids what their faith says, what science says. Whether the Earth was created in 7 days, or 7 actual eras, I’m not sure we’ll ever be able to answer that. It’s one of the great mysteries.

Kind of like Marco Rubio’s political career.

Up next, rain. Atmospheric moisture or God’s endorsement of trickle down economics?

It’s a mystery wrapped in a riddle inside an enigma. Or as Marco Rubio calls it, science. **Shudder**

But don’t feel bad. Understanding these things takes time. After all, 4.54 billion years flies by when you’re having fun being dumb.

[image via AP]

The Spy Who Shagged Me: General Petraeus Taken Out By Bizarre Love Triangle Not Bullets

Another day, another hot steamy CIA sexytime affair threatening to bring down more and more of the military’s brightest minds and busiest loins with each passing, sexually harassing, medal-and-misogynist-filled moment.

By now, I’m sure you all know about David Petraeus, the retired four-star general and (now former) director of the CIA, who made the terrible mistake of sexing up biographer (and gun model) Paula Broadwell without first realizing that she makes Glenn Close’s crazy character from Fatal Attraction look stable in comparison.

“Ten-Hut!” At ease soldier, there’s a lot to cover!

So Broadwell, whose novel, All In (Her Vajajay) gave her special VIP access to Petreaus’ private life and private parts suddenly gets all weird woman jealous on the General and sends a bunch of harassing emails to some bitch in Tampa telling her to back the f off her man, if she knows what’s good for her, ya dig?

“Who do you think you are? … You parade around the base … You need to take it down a notch.”

Well this has the mysterious Tampa Bay lady Jill Kelley all spooked that Paula is gonna go all Long Island Lolita or cross country diaper astronaut on her so she decides to forward the emails in question to her anonymous friend in the FBI to prevent herself from ending up on the back of a milk carton, or worse, featured in an after school special on Lifetime.

So Kelley’s as yet unnamed FBI agent friend then refers the emails to the agency’s cyber crimes unit, but this is where things start to get really weird. Like There’s Something About Mary type of weird.

The unnamed FBI agent apparently becomes so smitten with Tampa’s resident Femme Fatale Jill Kelley that he goes from anonymous-FBI scrub to creepy stalkerish dude sending unwanted shirtless sexytime pics to Kelley’s inbox, likely as a precursor to entering her other highly trafficked box.

Via the New York Times:

He had no training in cybercrime, was not part of the cyber squad handling the case and was never assigned to the investigation.

But the agent, who was not identified, continued to “nose around” about the case, and eventually his superiors “told him to stay the hell away from it, and he was not invited to briefings,” the official said…

Later, the agent became convinced — incorrectly, the official said — that the case had stalled. Because of his “worldview,” as the official put it, he suspected a politically motivated cover-up to protect President Obama. The agent alerted Eric Cantor, the House majority leader, who called the F.B.I. director, Robert S. Mueller III, on Oct. 31 to tell him of the agent’s concerns.

So basically the FBI is investigating harassment that’s connected to the director of the CIA having an affair, and one of its officers is stomping around Congress wearing nothing but his birthday suit, leaking the investigation to Newsmax, and telling Eric Cantor about the big bad conspiracy to keep the big bad black man  in office.

But the government professionalism does not stop there, don’t you worry!

From today’s Washington Post:

The FBI probe into the sex scandal that led to the resignation of CIA director David Petraeus has expanded to ensnare Gen. John R. Allen, the commander of U.S. and NATO troops in Afghanistan, the Pentagon announced early Tuesday.

Oh for the love of God, Petraeus was having sex with John Allen too?

According to a senior U.S. defense official, the FBI has uncovered between 20,000 and 30,000 pages of “potentially inappropriate” emails between Allen and Jill Kelley, a 37-year-old Tampa woman whose close friendship with Petraeus ultimately led to his downfall.

Oh okay, phew. Turns out it’s just that Petraeus’s biographer/bedmate sent scorned woman emails to Kelley, who was also sending THOUSANDS OF PAGES OF EMAIL back and forth with her own 4-star boy toy Gen. John Allen. All the while, Petraeus is still sending thousands of emails to Broadwell too, and pretty much everyone in the U.S. military is stuck in whatever terrible show is created when you cross Melrose Place with JAG.

Mitt Romney may have binders full of women, but thanks to the sluttiness of American’s most esteemed military minds, the FBI now has crates of emails — crates! — full of hot-blooded women.

And not just any women, but loosey-goosey ladies who will have have sex, or at the very least, have sex-mail with a guy who looks like this:

I know, right?

Hotttt! Besides, I thought repealing Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell was supposed to turn all our servicemen and women into one big rainbow-colored ball of gay? Where’s Adam and Steve when you need ’em?

Chuck Klosterman, New York Times advice columnist, who may or may not have received a letter from Broadwell’s cuckolded husband, recently summed up his take on the sexytime scandal engulfing America’s military elite.

But you know what I learned from this? Nothing. I learned nothing. It’s just something that happened (and it just so happens that it happened to me). Life is crazy. But I already knew that last Thursday, and so did you.

Yup.

You know what they say, crazy in the head, crazy in the bed.

[image via Amazon/Wonkette]

Let Sleeping Dogs Lie: President Obama Tries To Call John Boehner & Mitch McConnell, But They Were Too Busy Dreaming About Killing Poor People

Jealous over all the alone time President NObama’s been spending with his new boyfriend Chris Christie, Republicans John Boehner and Mitch McConnell channeled their pain just like you’d expect from two petulant, scheming, emotionally stunted career politicians who got steamrolled by the electorate dedicated public servants deeply concerned with doing whatever is best for the country.

By throwing temper tantrums and refusing to speak to the bastard President of the United States when he personally calls them at home to try to solve the country’s problems, like some terrible, meany dictator.

Via The New York Times:

After his speech, Mr. Obama tried to call both Mr. Boehner and the Senate Republican leader, Mitch McConnell, but was told they were asleep.

Wait, WTF!?

The newly re-elected leader of the free world calls the personal telephones of John Boehner and Mitch McConnell, and is told sorry, they’re catching up on their beauty rest and mustn’t be disturbed during their all-important slumber??

Apparently they don’t want to take any 3 a.m. calls either.

C’mon, it’s not as if Boehner and McConnell were blowing off President Obama in any way, shape, or form. Nothing like that!

Boehner being asleep at that time is totally believable, if by “asleep” you mean “passed the f**k out,” thanks to a potent combo of barbiturates and bourbon-soaked tears.

Same goes for McConnell.  I mean it was a black guy on the phone. Turtles often retreat into their shells when scared.

[image via Wonkette]

DEMOCRALYPSE 2012: DID OBAMA WIN THE ELECTION?? YES HE DID!

OMG, IT”S HERE!

The day we’ve all been waiting for, if only to never have to hear the words Mitt Romney or bayonets or “binders full of women” ever again. But mostly Mitt Romney.

ELECTION DAY!

So, alas, America, who will it be??

Will Mitt Romney win the hearts and minds of America by convincing them he not only has a heart and mind (err most of the time) but also the strength and courage to accept their measly 4-year contract and pauper wages, without firing the whole dirty lot of ’em first?

Or will President Barack Hussein Obama prevail in his liberal socialist agenda to give ladies control over their hoohas, equal rights to all citizens, health care to sick, suffering children, and a functioning economy & still-spinning planet to generations to come.

The world may never know. Just kidding, Barack Obama is totally smoked Mittens, if you believe in liberal elitist mumbo jumbo like math and statistics.

Good thing the Republicans don’t. Which is why, as a last resort, they’ve instead turned to the timeless, scientifically sound strategy of “Help us, Jesus!” by launching their very own ’round-the-clock Romney MegaPrayerpalooza.

But what’s really important is that the wonderful(ly white) Mitt Romney supporters around the nation have taken their presidential loss in stride by asking themselves what their non-monetary Lord & Savior Jesus Christ would do if he were in their situation.

WWJD? Duh! He’d pray that pussy NOBAMA who wants to feed the poor, heal the sick, and stop the rising of the oceans the fuck out of office faster than Mary Magdalene can “shut that whole thing down” and concoct that whole immaculate conception angle instead.

C’mon, cut the guy some slack. Jesus may be able to cure the blind and raise the dead, but not even the son of God can perform the kind of miracle it would to take to actually elect Mitt Romney president.

And let us say Amen!

Karl Rove sweats blood as well.

[images via TPM/Wonkette]

New Totally Non-Racist Ohio Ad Kindly Asks Black People To Vote For Mitt Romney Because Abraham Lincoln Freed The Slaves, Duh!

Wassup black people? This one stock photo black guy with a booming voice and weird Mormon-ish look about him has a MAJOR REVELATION for you, black Americans living in Ohio.

Now take off your Beats by Dre Headphones and listen because this is important (unlike say, you people, in non-election years).

It is a BIG lie that Democrats are for black Americans and Republicans are against black Americans. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves (you’re welcome!) and he was a white guy and a Republican.  Unlike DEMONcrats, Republicans also founded the NAACP and passed the Civil Rights Act, two landmark achievements they are still kicking themselves over oh so proud of to this very day.

And even though Republicans can’t think of a single example helping black people later than 1965, trust the one token black guy they plucked from Herman Cain’s fan club when he says blacks can gain wealth and prosperity by voting out the first black president in U.S. history, Barack Obama, and voting in the party of racist white men who DO NOT want to string you up in trees, so help them God.

Empower Citizens Network is the group of fat, stupid white people responsible for the content of this ad.

So, remember black people, when it comes to voting, keep your friends close and your enemies closer.

Because Mitt is all about the blacks! After all, some of his closest friends own black people.

Cindy McCain Would Feel Your Pain America, If She Wasn't Too Busy Feeling The Golden Warmth Of Sunny San Diego

Cindy McCain empathy win

Cindy of McCain fame, not to be confused with the equally destructive Sandy of Hurricane fame, took a break from her very important life rolling around in freshly minted $100 dollar bills to let the whole world know she is loving life right now…in sunny San Diego!

Hooray!

Not only is the sun shining and birds chirping, but she hasn’t seen (or spoken to) that grumpy old hubby of hers in weeks. It’s positively heavenly!

If only everyone could experience the celestial warmth and sparkling glow that is San Diego palatial retreats on the Pacific this time of year! Oh well!  Wonder what the rest of America’s been up to…

Oh dear. Looks like John’s made landfall on the East Coast again.

Either way, stay Classy, CinDiego!

You make the Romneys proud! If the storm hadn’t knocked out the power connecting to their heart first.

[images via Wonkette/TalkingPointsMemo]