Obama Takes On House Leader Who Glows & Senile Former Foes During Final Health Care Throes

Nothing makes for must-see teevee like seven straight hours of shouting, incoherent back-and-forths about wonky health care reform particulars, like how many poor, pathetic Americans the new bill in Congress could help not die, if the lovely men and women elected to represent them even remotely cared about silly statistics like preventable deaths.

But since they don’t, the next best thing is watching the U.S. President and his Democratic allies effectively manhandle Republicans, who favor much more modest changes, like Obama suddenly dropping dead or disappearing Jimmy Hoffa style deep in the Kenyan wilderness, during today’s bipartisan debate on the nation’s health care crisis.

Naturally, both sides came to this extraordinary, live “media event of the ages,” locked, loaded, and ready to rumble over the right prescription for the nation’s broken health care system.

For the Democrats, this of course means 2,400 pages of comprehensive reform representing their already-passed Senate bill, including such contentious GOP kryptonite as allowing parents to keep young adult children on their health plans into their 20s, cutting fraud and waste, and ensuring that sick people aren’t dropped by insurance companies quicker than John McCain drops his principles.

For the Republicans, coming prepared means presenting no new ideas, raising no new objections, and simply repeating the same stale talking points from the same lame playbook from a year ago–to oppose any and all of the demon President’s effort to reform health insurance in America, no matter what.

“While Democrats worked hard to include ideas we have consensus on, Republican rhetoric would seem to be stuck in park,” Rep. George Miller (D-CA), chairman of the House Education and Labor Committee, said. “They want to start over and delay these reforms further, doing nothing to help families’ health and financial security, small businesses’ competitiveness, and our nation’s fiscal future. Doing nothing is the last thing the American people want.”

Which is precisely why it is exactly what they’ll get!

Casting health care as “one of the biggest drags on our economy,” whose overhaul is imperative “for the nation’s future economic vitality,” President Obama blasted the partisan bickering that has left 30 million Americans uninsured, with their only choice being what color stain they’d like for the wooden coffin hosting their broke, decrepit bodies.

“Politics I think ended up trumping practical common sense,” he said, urging Republicans to cooperate enough for “an actual discussion, and not just us trading talking points.”

A point Sen. John McCain was more than happy to prove by confirming that he and the rest of the Grand Obstructionist Party members won’t be voting for any Democratic plan that doesn’t start with a blank sheet of paper, and/or denounce all Democrats as tree-hugging hippies who don’t use Kleenex but hundred dollar bills to blow their noses, and know-nothing of the struggles of average Americans who don’t own eight million-dollar homes spread beautifully from coast-to-coast across these lovely United States.

Attacking President Obama and Congressional Democrats for using “unsavory” backdoor processes “produced behind closed doors,” citing the “special deals” which are no longer actually in the bill, as proof that Obama should “start over,” saying voters “want us to sit down together and do what’s best for all Americans.”

“They want us to go back to the beginning,” McCain said, confident that his knowledge of an American public who resoundingly rejected him a year ago, is far better than anything some stupid actually-elected President could ever know.

To which Barack Obama responded by politely reminding Gramps that, “We’re not campaigning anymore. The election is over.”

“I’m reminded of that every day,” McCain retorted, mostly in the form of that nagging broad Cindy who just looooves to rub it in his face, the dumb b*tch.

“Both of us during the campaign promised change in Washington,” McCain said, adding that Obama vowed to put all of his health care negotiations in front of the camera.

“I’m glad that more than a year later they are here,” McCain said, because everyone how much his charming personality shines under bright camera lights.

Obama tried to cut McCain off before the old man really embarrassed himself with promises of change and wars and mavericks, but was met with a stern, “Can I finish please?” instead.

“The American people care about what we did and how we did it,” McCain proudly finished.

To which Obama quietly chuckled before torching the old man with a stunning combination of reason and sense.

“We can have a debate about process or about how to agree and pass health care reform. The latter debate is the one they care about more.”

Aww snap, where you at now, Grandpa? Huh?? I can’t hear you!

Oh sorry, didn’t realize it was nap time already.

Using the final moments of his health care summit to ask them to put up or shut up, Obama ended by saying, “I’d like the Republicans to do some soul searching on whether they will support the Democratic health care plan,” adding if they don’t want to cooperate, the two parties can battle it out at the polls this November.

“We cannot have another year-long debate about this.”

Absolutely not! It must be at least three more years, just enough time to get Sarah Palin prepped, groomed and in prime position for her big chance to take down NObama once and for all! Her hands must be sparkling clean and free from any and all particles, dirt, or other debris that could obstruct her uncanny ability to NOT READ from a teleprompter, like all the evil, elitist, literate, good for nothin’ politicians, but rather from the palm of her own hand like a real special needs President.