Heartless, union-whacking Monster of the Midwest, Wisconsin Gov. Scott Walker, is up to his neck in angry mobs of no-good, money sucking labor unions protestin’ his brave new plan to restore fiscal sanity to Wisconsin by rolling back collective bargaining rights and reducing already meager salaries of police, firefighters, teachers and other freeloadin’ public employees wastin’ taxpayer money trying to teach li’l Johnny Algebra.
How rude! Amiright?
I mean, the nerve of those greedy union goons thinking billionaires, multimillionaires and high-flying corporate executives should actually pay silly, poor people things like income taxes, while they live large with their $50k a year, basic health insurance, and soon-to-be-revoked ability to collectively negotiate their salaries so they don’t get screwed out of house ‘n home by their new governor/corporate overlord.
But don’t think for one minute this means Mr. Scott Walker, THE Gov. Scott Walker, is too busy dealing with disgruntled First Amendment-flexing citizens peacefully marching across Madison to talk to right-wing industrialist and secret Republican Czar David Koch for 20 minutes on the taxpayer-funded phone in his taxpayer-funded office.
Unfortunately for Walker, the “David Koch” he talked to for 20 minutes was actually just a liberal blogger named Ian Murphy putting on a funny rich-guy voice, and pretending to be an asshole with no morals who hates the middle class.
So is Scott Walker finally going to budge and let the workers of Wisconsin have their rights? No, no, don’t be an idiot. He’s going to brag about awesome ideas like pinning felonies on senators, or better yet, firing the darn rabble rousers who fled the state, sending “at risk” notices to state workers, and of course, taking a baseball bat to the heads of poor protesters, which is a wonderful way to, in fake David Koch’s words, “crush that union.”
Walker: Hi; this is Scott Walker.
Koch: Scott! David Koch. How are you?
Walker: Hey, David! I’m good. And yourself?
Koch: I’m very well. I’m a little disheartened by the situation there…Now you’re not talking to any of these Democrat bastards, are you?
Walker: Ah, I—there’s one guy that’s actually voted with me on a bunch of things I called on Saturday for about 45 minutes, mainly to tell him that while I appreciate his friendship and he’s worked with us on other things, to tell him I wasn’t going to budge.
Koch: Goddamn right!
Walker: …his name is Tim Cullen—
Koch: All right, I’ll have to give that man a call.
Walker: Well, actually, in his case I wouldn’t call him and I’ll tell you why: he’s pretty reasonable but he’s not one of us…
Koch: Now who can we get to budge on this collective bargaining?
Walker: …I’ve got layoff notices ready…
Koch: Beautiful; beautiful. Gotta crush that union.
Walker: [bragging about how he doesn’t budge]…
Koch: Bring a baseball bat. That’s what I’d do.
Walker: I have one in my office; you’d be happy with that. I have a slugger with my name on it.
Walker: [more union-bashing…]
Walker: So this is ground zero, there’s no doubt about it.
Koch: Goddamn right! We, uh, we sent, uh, Andrew Breitbart down there.
Walker: Good stuff.
Koch: He’s our man, you know.
Koch: Now what else could we do for you down there? We’ll back you any way we can. What we were thinking about the crowd was, uh, was planting some troublemakers.
Walker: You know, well, the only problem with that —because we thought about that. The problem—the, my only gut reaction to that is right now the lawmakers I’ve talked to have just completely had it with them, the public is not really fond of this…[explains that planting troublemakers may not work.] My only fear would be if there’s a ruckus caused is that maybe the governor has to settle to solve all these problems…[something about ’60s liberals.]…Let ‘em protest all they want…Sooner or later the media stops finding it interesting.
Koch: Well, not the liberal bastards on MSNBC.
Whoa, whoa, with all due respect, Mr. Koch, Scott happens to dig Morning Joe‘s Mika Brzezinski’s one good asset.
Walker: Oh yeah, but who watches that? I went on “Morning Joe” this morning. I like it because I just like being combative with those guys, but, uh. You know they’re off the deep end.
Koch: Joe—Joe’s a good guy. He’s one of us.
Walker: Yeah, he’s all right. He was fair to me…[bashes NY Senator Chuck Schumer, who was also on the program.]
Koch: Beautiful; beautiful. You gotta love that Mika Brzezinski; she’s a real piece of ass.
Walker: Oh yeah.
But that’s not all! Once Scott Walker’s done acting like the Kool-Aid Man’s hell version, if his gigantic pitcher were filled with hydrochloric acid instead of refreshing, frosty signature sugary red juice, he’s got plenty of fun activities planned far, far, away from the frozen wasteland of shrieking poor people wearing cheddar wheels on their heads.
Koch: [Laughs] Well, I tell you what, Scott: once you crush these bastards I’ll fly you out to Cali and really show you a good time.
Walker: All right, that would be outstanding.
So true! We hear there are some good faux S&M lesbian strippers over there. Ya know, the kind Republican officials like.
That way, they can first hit up the nudie clubs and enjoy a nice strip tease from Cinnamon and Fantasia, before stripping away all their rights, benefits, and privileges, including their precious single dollar bills.
How else is Scott supposed to tip the hardworking unionized men and women carrying his designer Louis Vuitton luggage from the limo to the airport, huh?
With his own hard-earned money?
Sure, when hell freezes over.
Which, come to think of it, sounds exactly like Wisconsin these days!